i should love how my husband acts but I don't

i should love how my husband acts but I don't

Postby karenann » Sun Jul 27, 2008 7:31 am

I am having trouble trying to figure out the wants and needs of my husband. This is very dissapointing since we have been married for 14 years. We have been having a lot of trouble lately and have had numerous arguments and disscussions. I love being a wife. I try to make sure the house is in order, food is on the table, clothes are washed and ready, and all the other things that go into making my husbands life a little easier, but I don't feel appreciated. I'm starting to realize that he doesn't really care if I do any of these things. He thinks they're nice and helpful, but if I didn't do them I really don't think he would care. Especially if it allowed me to do things I want to do. The problem is that we have totally different interests and activities and don't do alot together. I'm not sure what need I fill in my husbands life, but it must be something since we are still together. How do I go about loosening my grip on this feeling of being wanted and learn to connect with me husband on another level? Does that make sense?
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Postby ThunderHorse » Wed Aug 06, 2008 9:00 pm

Search Love and Respect.


Conquest, His job, hobbies, sports

Hieracrchy, the order in which he respects verious principles or people or positions

Authority, What you give him control over, in the house, the relationship.

Insight. valueing your husband's beliefs in Religion, Politics, Education, Current events. Women generally criticize each other's belief, and have no idea the effect a raised eybrow can have on her husband, if she seems to devalue his judgements.

Relationship. Just being with him, and saying nothing, doing nothing, but give him attention. He wants that as much as you want to be kissed.

Sexuality. Accepting his idividual, unique preferences, quirqy, recognizing the male need for images of nakedness. My wife almost always wears some top and pants to bed. I refuse to tune up the Air Conditoning, because she won't take off her clothes now, and it is worse when the Air Conditioning is working properly.

Women want something entirely different from what men want, and they speak a different language.
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Postby ThunderHorse » Thu Aug 07, 2008 6:34 pm

It is more about avoiding disrepspect.

You are an intelligent woman, with opinions of your own. You knowhow to think fo ryourself.

What I don't hear from you, is the recognition of the fragility of your husband's ego.

You are not posting about your husband's job, hie religious andpolitical beliefs, and how you feel about his job and his opinions.

If you want more love, give more respect.

Crestfallen, is something to look for. If you contradict some of your husband's beliefs, you are having a failure to avoid disrespect.

What topics require you to contradict your husband? Give him disdain?

What phrases have been less that totally avoiding contradiction? How could you do better?

What knowing glances have you given yolur husband, knowing you are cutting through the heart like a knife?

You know your husband's favorit sports teams, and professional clubs. Hve you taken time to be sure your conflicting comments are as considerate as possible? Can you give one example of a mistake you have made?

How do you ask your husband about how you could be more supportive to his ideas and beliefs?

When was the last time you spent time with your husband just giving silent companionship?

Post where I have missed the boat.

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Postby karenann » Fri Aug 08, 2008 9:17 am

We are experts at silent companionship! If silent companionship is what he wants then why be married? I just can't stand living my life not able to talk and enjoy each others company. Not that every moment has to be a deep conversation, but I still want us to have the desire to be together. He just can't stand to be at home. He is a very active person and I thought I was very supportive of his activities and of his job. He works a stressful job with many long hours and I never ONCE complained that he is working. I try to make life easier for him at home so he can concentrate on work and not have to worry about what he has to do when he gets home. He can do what every he wants, but I do want him to be happy to see me and that he is finally home. I don't see any of that. I just see distance.
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Postby ThunderHorse » Fri Aug 08, 2008 7:05 pm

Admiration comes to mind.

Can you make a list of what you admire in your Husband?

Can you find phrases to convery that admiration, in various attitudes of enthusiasm, upbeat, and matter of fact?

Can you share good news with him. Is he a Dallas Fan? Does he Hate Dallas Cowboys football? News: Terrell Owens didn't get in any trouble today!

There must be some differences, and things you want him to change.

How are you handling your own attitude of desire for him to change?

You do not reveal any of his interests. There must be at least one interest that is not too private to share, and we can build some conversation starting phrases.

Feeding back what your hsband says, and asking for clarification could be one focus of building conversation.

I have been occasionally attempting to entertain my wife, by exercising where she can see me, when she is watching TV.

My wife would rather watch soap operas than talk to me. She likes to keep her thoughts secret.

My wife occasionally comments on my exercizes. Is that marriage enhancement?

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somwhat disagree with other posts.

Postby findoutguy » Thu Dec 17, 2009 2:20 pm

men like to be thought of talked of etc in the same fashion similar to when you both first met. he does appreciate the things you do but now that its so common.... it is expected that you do what you do. I'm sure you don't flatter and flirt with your man like you once did. as I believe....men are easy. feed them good...make them feel like a man by reinforcing their manhood their job...like their friends, at least to their faces, be a good lover, and all will be good. try things that are new,....have you ever put on something sexy....or little to nothing for him for when he gets gome from work. more things out of the ordinary to spice things up and he'll think you're better than when you first met.
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Re: i should love how my husband acts but I don't

Postby afterthought » Mon Jan 24, 2011 7:03 pm

karenann wrote: I'm starting to realize that he doesn't really care if I do any of these things. He thinks they're nice and helpful, but if I didn't do them I really don't think he would care. Especially if it allowed me to do things I want to do.

I think you've touched on something here, which may be the key. The fact that if you did not do those things, that he wouldn't care.......especially if it allowed you to do things you want to do......is quite significant.

What if he were trying to be more sensitive in his approach to your doing the household chores? What if he wants you to do more things that you like and to have some more fun?

That you don't feel 'needed' is communicated very clearly. The question is, can you tell him that you don't feel needed-that you want to be 'wanted'?

Take heart, for perhaps you are reading too deeply 'between the lines'. If this is a major communication problem, I think you might be able to fix that. I hope you can. I sympathize with you.
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Re: i should love how my husband acts but I don't

Postby Ask NaNa » Wed Nov 30, 2011 3:48 pm

I’m sorry to hear that your husband is not acknowledging you as a wife and appreciating your duties that you are fulfilling. You and your husband have been married for a long time and it is good to know that you guys are still together with the fact that you are being patient with him.

In my psychology class with Professor M I learned that, “be optimistic about the future of the relationship”. Just because your husband is not acknowledging you does not mean that he does not love you. Your husband is probably going through a phase right now and you need to “reconnect” the marriage. Dr. Haltzman says, “your man has certain qualities that are distinct from your own”. He also says, “there are many ways that you can be in tune with your guy, and make it a positive experience for you too”.
The advice I shall give you is try talking to your husband and see what is going on with him. Make him try to express his feelings and tell you everything that you want to know. You are doing everything that you need to do in the house but you are not trying hard enough to get your husband attention and tell him how you feel about him not acknowledging you. Try talking to him over dinner or start up a conversation with him that will allow you guys to talk for a long period of time. Avoid arguing with one another and try to hear him out. Men usually do not like to express their feelings as much as women do.

You guys have both change throughout the years. You guys do not have the same interest anymore. You should find out what your husband interest is and try to do an activity together. Spending some quality time with your husband interest will allow him to show you his other interests. He will also see that you love him and care about him. Also, try to show him some love and affection. Do something romantic like breakfast in bed, dinner, or something you know your husband would enjoy.

You also mentioned in your post that you do everything in the house. Try asking your husband if he does not mind doing some chores two or three days out of the week. Make your husband feel wanted and needed around the house. A man feels helplessness when his wife does everything. I hope you guys work things out and I wish you guys the best of luck!
Ask NaNa
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