Postby ThunderHorse » Wed Aug 20, 2008 2:11 am

I will give you some idea, but please process them to see if they fit you.

There are several levels of approaches to personal relations. One is following directions, because of not thinking for yourself. Another level is rebelling, or showing people you don't have to follow directons, and doing the opposite of what people suggest.

The more mature level is to think out the best course for yourself, following the course, and giving heavy considertaion to the suggestions of others.

Sorry about your accident.

Your wife seems like she is reacting to prove you wrong. Her responses are as immature as yours. Someone has to start being more mature, so it may have to be you, while your wife caries on trying to make you wrong for a while, till she realizes she is part of the probblem.

Driving is a temptation to prove people wrong. Blocking people you feel are giong too fast, or communicatingf your feelings to cars you feel are traveling too slowly. I have personally tried to change my make-wrong habits, by driving in a more cooperative manner. I generally stay in the right hand lane, and let people pass, or slow down to let people cut in and out of traffic. I leave ahead of time, so I am not rushed.

You seem to be sayhing that the accident you had was partly your wife's fault, or her relatives, for not stipping to rest, or her not stahying awake to keep you awake. You might try to avoid suggesgting your wife is wrong about anything, unless you arfe in a problem solving situation.

Driving long distances, there are some stay-awake accupressure points, that you maynot have heard of. Each of your ear lobes. By pressing your ear lobe between your thumb and forefinger, for a few seconsds, then releasing, releases some staw awake energy. Squeezing the tip of your tonght between your front teeth for a few seconds also release stay awake energy. I twist my tounge upside down.

If traveling with others, you might have it pre-arranged that you can call the lead car on a cell phone, and request to pull over at the next rest stop, or McDonalds, or Gas Station.

Marriage has a different set of expectations, than living together. The woman youknew, may not have had the ideals of the perfect husband. Now that you are married, your wife has to adjust to the idea of a pretty good husband, instead of Mr. Perfect. But you have to remind her of your good qualities. Take this thread as an opportunity to improve your presentation of your good points.

Apparently you hold down a job. Apparently the job is good enough to afford an automobile and insurance. Apparently you can give your wife consideration to express her disappointment with reality, by sleeping alone in the bedroom. What other qualities do you have?

You may lack impulse control. so you might think of processes that might help you with that skill. I found the Silva Method helpful to me. Search Silva Method. The course is a weekend or a few evenings, and can be repeated, as needed. It is self visualizing, and breathing techniques and relaxation techniques, which can be learned elsewhere.
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Re: Making the same mistakes

Postby OptimismIsKey » Mon Dec 05, 2011 7:25 pm

Hi Mati,
I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. It's evident that not only do you have an issue; your wife does as well. It seems as though you are impulsive and you don't like others telling you what to do. I realize that you have made mistakes in the past, but that does not mean you cannot change and learn from them. It is great that you and your wife had been together ten years prior to getting married. My psychology teacher always says; get to know your partner first. She also advises that a couple lives together before getting married, that way to can truly get to know them, figure out all their quirks, little pet peeves of theirs and vice versa. Dr. Ski also says a person’s true colors shine through after dating for two years, good news for you two, you are past that stage and you made it. I am a firm believer of the quote, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger". You may have made mistakes in the past, but in some ways it brings you two closer together. It makes you realize how much you two care and that you are willing to work things out and do what it takes because the relationship means just that much. I wonder how severe the mistakes were though. I also wonder, do you personally think you and your wife communicate well with one another? Do you think you’ve grown from the mistakes you've made and has it shaped you to be who you are today?
Communication is essential in a relationship! In my psychology class we have learned that sarcasm in a relationship can ruin it. You need to be clear when communicating with one another. I have learned in class that after being with someone for a while you begin to be able to read their body language which is also known as kinesics. I'm sure if your wife gives you a certain look just with her eyes you know exactly what it means without her even saying a word. It also seems that she becomes frustrated with you, frustration occurs in any situation in which the pursuit of some goal is thwarted. For example, when she blatantly told you to follow her parents but instead you were irked with the car that was between you and your in-laws and your angry actions resulted in a three car accident.
Now, while you may be in the wrong your wife is as well. Her actions are just as immature as yours. Instead of her maturely talking things out with you when she is angry, she decided to remove all of your wedding pictures and lock herself in your bedroom. This behavior is something that would be expected of a junior high female who was arguing with a boyfriend. In a marriage running from your problems only causes more issues in the end. The first thing you two need to establish is clear communication. When she is upset she needs to tell you, with her words. She needs to be clear when telling you why she is upset and exactly what you did and or said to upset her. And vice versa, you are not always at fault. If this fails, you two could seek help from a therapist, someone who is a professional and can help you. You also need to remember that females are very different than males. We think differently, act differently and perceive things differently than males do. Females also dwell. You could call your wife beautiful in the morning and she will forget it a few days later. However, if you tell her a shirt makes her look heavy or insult her she will never forget it and it will stay in the back of her mind. Just like the mistakes you've made, to you it's in the past but in your wife’s eyes it is something she may say she is over and can look past but that does not mean she will never forget. You personally need to listen to her, fully listen to her and her instructions. It means the world to us females when males take the time to actually listen to us. It shows that you care and it's sweet. In return she should do the same. As for you not being able to say no to others. It goes to show you have a huge heart or like to please everyone. This may upset your wife but it is who you are. If you find yourself never saying no to others and it is disrupting plans you and your wife have then you have a problem. Try saying no; it is okay to say no. Everyone has priorities and prior engagements; you can jump for others on command. There is an old saying "Happy wife, happy life". Live by this, keep your wife happy and everything else will fall into place! Show her you care, you know her best. Do little things to surprise her and show her you care whether it be bringing home flowers or chocolate, whatever it is that makes her smile. And this could also have something to do with your past. Maybe your father was rebellious and it's in your blood. Maybe he never fully listened to your mother’s instructions and you witnessed it and now you're living it years later with your wife. There are many things you could evaluate. Are you stressed at work? Is there a lot on your plate, and maybe this is your way of dealing with it? A psychologist could best help you with answering these questions. I wish you the best of luck, I hope you make changes for the better and hope it results in a happy and healthier marriage with your wife. Best wishes!
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