New to this

New to this

Postby Confused » Tue Feb 14, 2006 10:20 pm

I want to be a better husband and I am trying really hard at it. But I feel the harder I try the farther back I fall.My wife has this thing about lying(we all do and we don't like getting lied to), not telling is lying is her big thing. I however am the complete opposite of her, as long as it does not intail infidelity. This past time I did not tell her about something it was a) to avoid a fight b)because I was with friends and a female friend was there and I knew it would be a problem. Was I wrong, yes I was. I should have open and up front about it from the start. I am really am making an effort to tell her everything but sometimes I don't want to tell everything and just be left alone. I have always been by myself and done things my way until I met her, now it is if I ever lie to her again she is leaving me and any females friends I make through work it is an issue. My job has me on the road and I see partly where the female issue comes into play but everyone I meet I make a point of letting them know how happy and in love I am with my wife. I look at it as a friend stand point and she looks at it as the married man talking to single lady point. I get it both views but she does not get mine. There is so much going on and I am a wreck over this. Yes I messed up but why is she always the one getting bent over my mistakes and when I get the chance to get bent over hers I don't. She is open and honest with everything but when she messes up I get this it won't happen again, but I give no ultimatum like does with me. Then when it does happen again I am not mad at her but she is furious to the point of leaving me. I feel like crap, like I can do nothing right. . . . Thanks

Postby whome112 » Wed Feb 15, 2006 5:28 am

jon, I say again, this sounds to me like an emotionally/verbally abusive marriage: Her fault. Read and learn. Don't take her bad behaviour.

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Postby Confused » Wed Feb 15, 2006 9:06 am

there really is nothing verbally abusive until "my screw ups" which are always noticed and I forgive and forget her screw ups. I admit I was wrong for withholding something from her this time, and I admitted I withheld it because previous said reasons and she tells me that was the worst thing I could have said. Which totally confused me because she wanted the trueth and I gave it to her. I dunno if she wants us to go on now. She is talking likwe it is already over and she will mot/cannot trust me. There is no infidelty on my part but she is claiming there is. I willing to do what it takes even if thst means taking a 10K loss in pay to be home always, I have told her that from the start. Now she does not even know if she wants me to come home this weekend or ever. :cry:

Postby tlescak » Tue May 09, 2006 10:42 am

My ex-wife put me through what you are being put through and it ended in divorce. After our divorce I found out that she had been unfaithful to me. I realize now that she was so insecure because she knew that she was guilty of what she was accusing me of.

Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins for a reason. It will poison a marriage. Jealousy is mistrust plain and simple. Without TRUST there is no marriage.

If your wife doesn't trust you then you will never be happy with her.

I would also think carefully about her own fidelity. She may be insecure about YOUR fidelity because she is insecure about her own.
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Postby elizacol » Sun Jul 23, 2006 10:42 am

You said: "If your wife doesn't trust you, you will never be happy with her".

That may hold water, but what responsibility does that place on the spouse who caused the mistrust to begin with???? You make it sound as if it is totally on the wife to deal and get over the mistrust.

I totally trusted my husband (married 19 years) and was never the jealous type. 11 months ago, he had an emotional affair and lied throughout, even though I had proof. Even after he did admit to it,
he continued lying about other things (how often he called her, whether he called her, etc.).

What responsibility does HE have to rebuild that trust that HE broke? Yes, I need to do whatever I can to get over my feelings of mistrust, but imo, he has a bigger responsibility in it. What are your thoughts?

I apologize if I sound harsh, but this is a topic near and dear to my heart.
I also realize that your response was in response to a totally different situation, but would like to hear your thoughts on a situation where the mistrust is warranted.
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Real Issue

Postby Trap_me_forever » Sun Dec 17, 2006 11:07 pm

Jon what the real issue is, is that women trust their man, but DON'T trust the women around them to not try to make a play on him. We feel our guys are so great, so why wouldn't another woman hit on him and use her wiles to get him, especially if they (our guy & her) have been friends and she does know he is great. If women weren't such backstabbers to each other and respected relationships, guys wouldn't have half as many fights w/their gfs and wives.
I don't know if men backstab each other like that, but maybe that is why they don't know how rotten women can be to each other.
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Postby Mr. Ed » Sat Jun 28, 2008 11:03 am


I infer that you are recently wed. Your wife has not yet realized that her relationship with you is NOT going to be like her relationships with all her female friends & relatives. You can be a good man, and a good husband, without 10,000 words per day worth of opening up your soul to her.

It is not wrong at all for you to not want to be another of her girlfriends. It is also not wrong for her to want to feel secure about your fidelity.

Others have said that there are trust issues, and on the surface it sounds that way. If you have given her good reason to mistrust you in the past, via word or deed, or if you are newlyweds, then you'll need to form a plan to work through these trust issues.

Otherwise, I recommend that you draw two lines in the sand:

1) You must learn to calm yourself in the heat of the moment, so you never say something you'll regret or don't really mean. And you must be firm with her that sharing every last little detail and nuance of every conversation you have with "unauthorized" females is something that you are simply done with. Tell her that you don't have a problem with lusting after other women (if this is, indeed, true) and that you are ready to help her work through HER problem.

2) Subjective communication and chaperones
If you are not ready to reconcile yourself to a life where you do not allow yourself to become "close" to female friends and coworkers, your problems have only just begun.
I recommend that you keep casual banter with female coworkers to a minimum. Send NO casual emails to females. (poetry?) Discuss business, by all means, but do not comment on the appearance or emotions of other women. Be Joe Friday. Nothing but the facts, ma'am.

NEVER ride in a car or go to lunch with another woman alone. Don't spend more than 5 minutes in a remote conference room alone with another woman. If it is an emergency, keep your visibility and time accountability as high as possible, so that coworkers could vouch for you if necessary. Imagine the wreckage that could be caused by a false accusation made by a vindictive female. If you have no witnesses, you're sunk.

There are two components here: De-sensitizing her jealousy trigger, and removing reasonable cause for her to be jealous.
Mr. Ed
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Re: New to this

Postby DLom » Tue Dec 06, 2011 3:00 pm

Dear confused
Having trust and love are key factors in marriage. To defuse the problem i would personally try to have your wife come along with you when you go out with your friends, when there is another girl who is just a friend going. The way you act out with every one will show your wife that there is nothing for her to fear. As a guy I understand not telling her to advoid a fight seems like the right thing to do because no one likes to fight with a loved one. I go to college at ccri and take a psychology class with Dr. Ski, we have resently gone over notes about something similar to this. We often look at alot of Dr. Scott Haltzman's notes here is some info for you to look at/try.
"The Fourth Way: Expect Conflict and Learn to Deal with It , Most people assume that if there is conflict in a marriage, there must be something wrong. The reality is, conflict is part of marriage. If we always agreed with our spouses on everything, imagine how boring life would be. Disagreements happen even in the best of marriages. There are good ways to fight and bad ways to fight. Those who maintain relationships learn to go into the argument slowly; they avoid accusations such as: “How dare you say that?” and instead share their own experience: “I was really upset when you made that comment.” Don’t panic when you clash. It’s OK to disagree. But avoid contempt, criticism, defensiveness and emotional withdrawal. If you fight fair, you will find that conflict can help you learn about your wife and make you a better husband. When the heat builds up, don’t take off in a huff. Loving humor and kind words can help heal the rift."-Dr.Scott

i hope this helps :D
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Re: New to this

Postby thelovedoctor » Tue Dec 06, 2011 9:43 pm

"confuse" i see that what is getting you mad is that your wife gets mad when you speak to females or you do anything she doesnt like and she gets bent out of shape and your saying when she does things your not ok with it but you compromise with it.

In my psychology class we went over Dr.Scott Haltzman and his books and advice. In his book "The Secret of Happily Married Men" he stats The Second: Know your wife, if you know lying to her or keeping things away from her gets her mad try to avoid it so there wont be so much problems but then again theres The Forth Way: Expect Conflict and Learn to Deal with It in every married couple theres always going to be conflict its part of marriage. Some people think if theres conflict in the relationship there's something wrong. You just need to learn to cope with it and just listen to her like The Fifth Way: Learn To Listen its a big part in marriage.

I think you should sit down with her and tell her how you feel on how she react to things and how is not fair she utilizes that she is going to leave you line. You guys can do what me and my boyfriend do we get a notebook and write about the good and bad things we dislike/like about each other and then we exchange them and we cant get mad on what we say. The key is to see what is bothering him and we sit down and talk how we can fix these things.
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Re: New to this

Postby JanaeRaymond » Tue Dec 04, 2012 10:32 am

Roles: Post "New to this"
So I see your trying to be a better husband to your wife, but the conflict of lying and not telling the truth is causing a problem in your marriage, is that right? Your wife wants you to tell the truth about everything but you feel as long as it does not involve intail in infidelity its okay to not tell her everything? I noticed you feel you shouldnt have to tell your wife that there was a female friend present when you went out with a few friends the other night. But what if it was vice versa? How you would feel if your wife went out with a few girlfriends and perphaps they randomly invited a male to join? Would you want her to be honest and tell you the whole situation, once she got home? or would you rather deal with not knowing until randomly one day at work, one of your coworkers confronts you about seening your wife out with a male friend? Hmm just think about it. From my experience though I noticed people perfer to know up front about a situation, rather then to hear from another person in the future because that can cause lots of confusion and a problem before the truth is even told. So sometimes just see the situation from a different point of view. Also I noticed you said you always been by your self and done things your way until you met her? But when you become married you have to learn how to compromise and negotiate in order to make things fair in the relationship. Lastly you said your wife does not get your view and where your coming from? In order for her to understand your ideas and opinoins you have to explain it to her.
Dr. Scott Haltzman says "the way to know your wife... If something works for me it must work for my wife, right? Wrong. It's likely that your wife and you see practically everything differently." Just because you feel a certain way does not mean your will feel that same way. Even if you feel absolutely positive that your ideas or thoughts are right, does not mean your wife will agree.Women and Men have two totally different perspectives in life. For example Dr. Haltzman says a husband may believe that by him working at night means that he loves his wife and will do anything for her but on the other hand the wife may see it as her husband not caring about their relationship. This is all due to men and women having different views in life.
In your situation you have to always keep in mind that your wife's opinoin matters. So if that means that you have to be the bigger person and change your ways, then maybe you take that into consideration. You have to be willing to make the step in order to improve. Sometimes you have to put your self in your wifes point of view. For example if you wouldnt like if your wife lied to you about the same situation then why should you expect her to accept it. Or if your doing something that you just know you wouldnt want your wife to find out about then you must be doing something wrong.
You have done a wonderful job trying to fix your mistakes in your marriage. I like the fact that you was brave enough to post your personal problem on dr. haltzman's online bulletin. It shows that your open to all advice and your trying your best to find a solution on how to be a better husband. I always notice that you admit to your mistakes, which most people dont often do because they are afriad of the truth. My advice is possibly soon you should sit her down and explain to her that you really want the relationship to work and if she could understand your point of view in a troubled situation in the future and let her know that you will do the same.
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