Need To Be Cherished & Adored

[Framk]

Obviously the title says it all. My wife and I have been married 15 years. We have had our share of ups and downs. However, the last 4 years have been fantastic. I love her more today than when we first married. As each year goes by she becomes more and more attractive. Our frequency of sex, as I understand it, is way above national averages. I shower her with affection. I tell her how beautiful she is. I remind her of how lucky I am to have her in my life and the wonderful family we have created.

My wife is neither cold, bitchy nor distant. But she is no longer demonstrative. Whereas I like to cuddle, she can’t wait to jump out of bed in the morning. Whereas I love to caress her and be caressed, she hates it. Whereas I would like to kiss more frequently she does not seem to have a need for this.

Years ago I brought up the subject of her showing me a bit more attention. She agreed that with all that we have going on she forgets and assured me that she will be more responsive to me.

After a few months we were right back to square one. I re introduced the subject and was met with the same reply. After a few months we were right back to square one. Now if I bring it up she immediately gets defensive and asks ‘why am I always the bad one’ etc. etc. etc.

If she adores me I have no way of knowing it. If she cherishes me, likewise I have no idea.

Final clue to the puzzle: she grew up in a home where there was no kissing, no holding and no touching. However, when we met and into our first years of marriage, she initiated all of the items just mentioned.

[ThunderHorse]

Admiration is considered a need in marriage by some.

Perhaps there is a way to evaluate wives by the amount of appreciation they express. Ther is probably an appreciation scale. The scale rating of a wife may vary from year to year.

Children are a potential block to your wife feeling comfortable giving or receiving affectionate caresses.

There are different types of appreciation that a man can feel gives an Ego Boost.

The most important thing is that you give yourself recognition for your efforts. Not all attempts give a pay, off, but you can never get any results, without some attempts.

I make little stars in my pocket calendar, an x with two extra cross lines, for an Asterick. Then I put down things that I accomplised or attempted. I also have a buddy, who has the patience to listen to me go over my attempts and accomplishments, because my wife is usually not sufficiently patient.

I keep a separate page, in my pocket calendar, for things I want to go over with my wife. I will ask her for appreciation for some things I do, that are clearly to her benefit. Sometimes when I ask for appreciation, my wife finds a way to start an argument about some related issue. So I am careful what I ask my wife for appreciation about.

Something like, "Give me a kiss on the cheek, because I took out the trash."


I try to keep my requests short and simple, when asking for recognition of effort from my wife.


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[jrgamez]

So your missing affection from your wife, correct ? At the beginning of the relationship your wife cherished you and adored you just how you wanted to be. Now you feel like it has fadded away and your missing it; and wanting it back. You have told her directly how you feel more than once and she agrees with you, but then she goes back to "square one." I been in a similar situation that your in. After telling your my significant other how I feel more then once they get defensive and start feeling bad about themselves or even start getting mad. Witch sucks because I was not trying to make my significant other feel bad about themselves or make her feel like shes not trying at all. But overall notice the little things she does for you and just appreciate them.(from my experience)
Dr. Haltzman says " To understand the way to your wife's heart, you must first learn what makes it tick." Maybe she doesn't like to cuddle as much as you do no more. She might want to do other things thngs to show her affection. Another thing Dr.Haltzman says is "If something works for you, must work for my wife, right? WRONG!" MAYBE she rather want to show you, her love and affection in a different way then kissing you a lot or cuddling with you in the mornings. In my psychology class I learned that having a lot of sex with your significant if really healthy for the relationship.
When Dr. Haltzman say, "you have to learn what makes you wife's heart tick", it means you must know what makes your wife feel cherished and adored. Try something else then just cuddling. Maybe buying her a bouquet of flowers may not mean much for you ,but for her it could mean a whole lot. Also when Dr. Haltzman says, " if something works for you, must work for my wife, right? WRONG! She might now like to cuddle as much as you. So find another way to show your affection to her that will work for both of yous. Dont be selfish and only satisfy your needs.
My advice to you is to find another way to show your affection towards her. Maybe buy her some flowers or wake up before her and cook breakfast for both of you and have breakfast in bed. Do different things to make her notice; then she might notice and want to be more consistent on her half. You might get a positive reaction from her if you do something new and different things to show your affection and maybe, just maybe she might start showing you that affection you been wanting back. Another things is be patient!! This will take time. Last thing is give yourself credit for every effort you do. Dont put yourself down.