Wife loves me but need space

Wife loves me but need space

Postby paztitleist1 » Sat Mar 28, 2009 9:48 am

My wife needs time to herself and does not want me to around her, she says she needs space. She says she loves me, and that I am a great husband , and a wonderful father. I am insecure, so immediately I think the worst, like their is someone else, she told me their is no onelse.
Need advise.
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Postby Reedy » Mon Apr 06, 2009 1:40 pm

Hello paztitleist1,

I too am in a very similar situation. I have issues with insecurities as well (getting help for that) and my wife and I are having some troubles. She also said the same thing to me. She wanted her space to figure things out. This was very hard for me to do and after about 2 days with out any contact with her what so ever she started to miss me and got in touch with me. We have been working on our issues since.

I suspect because of your insecurity issues you may have some of the same tendancies I have had. Such as being overbearing/smoothering. If so, some space may do your realationship wonders.

I hope everything works out.
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Postby moc » Tue Apr 14, 2009 12:33 pm

I hope you dont mind me asking a few questions as they may relate to what I went/going through

1. How old is your wife?
2. How long have you been married?
3. How many kids do you have and what ages?
4. Has she said the infamous: I love you but I am not in love with you?

Sorry to be blunt but these may be insights.
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Postby Hremom » Wed Jun 10, 2009 12:28 am

What type of space does she need? Are we talking about taking a couple of hours alone reading a book, watching a movie you wouldn't enjoy or joining a book club by herself? Or are we talking seperate bedrooms, or worse, seperating for a while.

The first senerio is normal. People need a few hours to themselves now and then. Especially if she is a stay at home wife and mother of small kids, a few hours of no one calling "Mommy" or "honey" followed by I want/need can feel like a gift from above!

If it's one of the second two you have a problem.
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Postby hefinjeffa » Thu Nov 17, 2011 10:27 pm

You are saying your wife needs space. Do you feel that she just needs time away for a few hours or longer extended "space"? And you say she says she loves you. Does she tell you this on her own or does she just reply when you tell her you love her? I can some what relate to how you feel. My husband was going to the bar on Sundays with his "guys". I sometimes felt it is to just get away from us, but he says it is just "a guy thing". It just seems a bit weird because this didn't start until several years after we got married. I finally told him I was not happy about what he was doing and he did eventually stop going, but it wasn't imediate, it took a while before he realized I wasn't happy. Now he is usually home with me all the time and always asks me if I want to go with him whenever he is leaving.

The book "Secret of Happily Married Men" Dr Scott says, Aim to please! Try to determine what she needs and figure out if this is something you can provide for her. If she needs a few hours a weekend to go shopping to clear her head, support her with that. The more you show her you are willing to do whatever it takes to make you marriage work, she will see it. It might take a while, but she will.

Remember, it is all the small things that us women love. Like a simple wink from accross the room, or a "I love you" note hidden in the cabinet. Constantly show her you love her she might just change her mind and want to spend more time with you!
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Re: Wife loves me but need space

Postby loveyourspouse » Tue Dec 06, 2011 3:20 pm

If your wife needs space you need to honor what she says and go from there.When she says "needs space" is she talking about taking a couple hours off to have to herself or physically leaving for a day or so? She still loves you and that your a great husband but does she ever come out and say she loves your first or are you the one say "i love you" first? I can kind of relate to how you feel. My girlfriend and I had a great relationship we did everything together but I always had the sense she was trying to stray away from me more and more where is finally escalated to her wanted to take a break just because she was bored with what we were doing. But I gave her the space she needed and she ended up coming back to me and we've been stronger than ever now.

In my psychology class we learned things from the book "Secret of Happily Married Men" written by Dr Scott where he says, Aim to please! You need to try to figure out what she needs and see if this is something you can provide for her. Dr. Scott is write you need to please your wife in any way until she comes out of this funk of not wanted to be with you all the time. In the long run taking Dr. Scott's advice will help your marriage to make it become stronger and healthier.

You need to give your wife time to figure out what is really bothering her. If you obey her wishes you will only be stronger because she will realize what she is really missing out on while you give her space. Give her a few hours a weekend to go shopping to clear her head, support her through anything she does. The more you show her you are willing to do whatever it takes to make you marriage work, she will see it. It's the little things women love, they are always testing us men. It's your job to pass the test! Continue to show her that you love her and that you will stand by any decision she makes. Hang in there, everything will go back to normal in time.
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Re: Wife loves me but need space

Postby Jhenna » Wed Mar 07, 2012 1:48 pm

That's a very hard situation loosing some you love, and you dont even know what's the real reason behind. If she's telling the truth or not. that's so tough! :(
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Re: Wife loves me but need space

Postby sherilyn » Tue Nov 27, 2012 8:59 am

So your wife says she needs space and time to herself and it is making you insecure if I understand the situation correctly. She loves and compliments you, but continues to want time alone from what I am reading. May I ask how long you have married for and how long she has been doing this for?

Dr. Scott Haltzman, author of “Secrets of Happily Married Men,” suggests that you should expect conflict in your marriage. “Most people assume that if there is conflict in a marriage, there must be something wrong. The reality is, conflict is part of marriage,” he says. According to him, it is normal to have conflicts in marriage, so your problem is not a rare one.

In your case, for example, your wife seems to be distant. This may be viewed as a problem, but this is natural in marriages. If she says there is no one else, she is more than likely being honest. Maybe she is having a hard time at work is stressed out and doesn’t want to take it out on you. It is not always for the worst, she could be doing this to help you too. This conflict should be discussed with your wife so you can find a solution.

If you truly wish for her to stop being distant, explain to her that when she acts this way it is hurting you and leading to bad thoughts. She would be able to reassure you and tell you what is really going on. Hope this helps.
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Re: Wife loves me but need space

Postby johndoe3 » Mon Dec 03, 2012 4:06 pm

hello, so if i am understanding correctly, your starting to become insecure from your wife wanting her space and not wanting to be around you much at the moment. That's a problem i don't think any one would want to go through, but the fact that she still loves and compliments you, is obviously a good thing. How long have you been married and what is your guys' ages?
As said in the previous reply above, i agree very much with the quotes from the article "secrets of a happily married man" written by Dr. Scott Haltzman. There are not many if any relationships out there that have no conflict. Conflict happens with any type of friendship/relationship. But maybe also you need to shift something in how you treat her. In that same article, a man named victor quotes how he mastered his relationship with his wife without the support of anyone. "Women want you to listen and understand, not solve the problem. I'm a married man of 14 years and a survivor of many verbal battles with the opposite sex. I never shared my survival techniques with anyone."
This quote says a lot on gaining a relationship back. it seems like you think you are doing everything right and normal but your not. which is not totally unnormal. women expect different things then guys expect and it can usually mess with a persons relationship.
if i was in your shoes, what i would do is start off with a sit down dinner and have a serious talk with her. Ask her what the problem is, why she is so distant and what you can do to change, and make your relationship strong again. If she does come out with a way she needs you to change for her and for your relationship, do it so you guys can get on a roll and become happy together again.
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Re: Wife loves me but need space

Postby psychvalemolina » Tue Dec 03, 2013 10:54 am

So what I'm understanding is that your wife does not want you around her and she needs time to herself, correct? Because of this, it's made you feel insecure and also has made you think the worst, but when she tells you she loves you and you are a great husband how does that make you feel? I Personally went through this in past relationships and wanted my own space because I had spent too much time with my significant other at the time. How often do you and your wife spend time together?

Dr. Scott Haltzman, author of "Secrets of a Happily Married Man" says “Most people assume that if there is conflict in a marriage, there must be something wrong. The reality is, conflict is part of marriage,”. I Agree with this quote, as said in the previous reply above. With having that said in your case, because your wife is being distant it does not necessarily mean there is someone else nevertheless she has told you there is no one else, so do not have doubt.

In Dr. Scott Haltzman's book "Secrets of a Happily Married Man", as he says "Aim to please." Dr. Scott mentions that it is important to know your wife and know what makes her happy. With that being said, perhaps she is being distant because she is stressed from work, the children (if yous have any) or whatever the case may be, then know what makes her happy and show proof that you care about her needs. Show interest that you want to know what is bothering her and let her open up to you. Women like to be listen to and understood, do not try solving the problem, support is what she needs.

In the mean time, give your wife time and show her support. Sooner than later she will tell you why she has been distant. It is normal for you to feel something is wrong, every relationship goes through this. Do not over analyze the situation and over think it, because then there will be a problem created that was not there to begin with, instead celebrate your marriage with her! Your next anniversary? Or a "just because" date. It is healthy to keep a relationship feeling "alive". Have time for yourselves, it will keep the relationship strong. Hope this helps.
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Re: Wife loves me but need space

Postby PsychStudent401 » Tue Dec 03, 2013 11:28 am

If I am understanding your problem correctly, you are having issues with your wife needing space, correct? Your wife has told you several times that you are a good husband and father, and she praises you for doing a good job. However, your wife needing space may make you worried or insecure about the possibility of someone else. When did your wife start feeling this way and communicating this to you? How many years have you been married to her? It is natural to be insecure about your wife needing space, however the fact that she “needs space” may just be that she is having a conflict with herself.
As a psychology student, I learn a lot from my Professor on love, relationships, and healthy marriages. My psychology professor says there is a thing called quality of attachment. People tend to be more securely attached in relationships and marriages if they had parents that were “warm, responsive, and sensitive to the infant’s needs.” Perhaps, your wife was not securely attached as a child and still represents some of those characteristics by needing space. This would not be because of another man, or that she does not love you, just from the way she was conditioned as a child. According to Dr.Haltzman, author of Secrets of Happily Married Men “conflict is a part of marriage.” Conflict is natural and healthy in a marriage. Your wife may need space because she is having a problem with a conflict in your marriage. Dr.Haltzman also says that men need to “learn to listen.” Sometimes women just need to talk and be heard.
In your case, your wife most likely has poor attachment issues due to the attachment theory. As previously said, this is not your fault. Being different is part of what makes us human, and although you may not understand why your wife needs space, it’s important to understand she was conditioned as a child differently than you were. Also, realizing that there is a conflict in your case is a big deal. The conflict may be that your wife needs space, or the conflict may be bigger than that and the conflict is causing your wife to want space. Listening is a big, huge part of a marriage. Listening may be able to resolve the conflict your wife is having with needing her space.
If you wish to solve the space conflict with your wife, the best thing to do is communicate with her. Sit your wife down, and ask her why she feels that she needs space. Offer to listen to her without ever butting into her conversation. Your wife will value your attempt to understand her, and this may solve the conflict with her wanting space. After listening to her, explain conflict is a natural phenomenon in a marriage and as long as you communicate and work things out, you will stay happily married.
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Re: Wife loves me but need space

Postby carbral74 » Wed Dec 04, 2013 8:39 pm

So what you are saying is your wife does not want you to be around her and wants time to herself? When she tells you this you feel insecure and your insecurity makes you think for the worst in the situation? Your wife tells you that she loves you and says you’re a great husband and father. When she says this how does it make you feel? Personally I think you have done nothing wrong, but maybe your wife feels like she needs space because she has spent a lot of time with you. Do you guys spend a lot of time together?
Dr. Scott Haltzman author of “Secrets of Happily Married Men” says “Why not start thinking about your marriage the same way you think of your job. It’s easier than you think.” I agree with what he says. Many married men take their jobs very serious and feel like they are the ones who need to provide for the family. They work all day and then come home, eat dinner, watch some TV, then go to bed. Do you notice anything missing here? The wife. Like many women, your wife needs someone to talk to after a long day of work. She could be happy, worried, sad, depressed or angry. By not talking to her she will feel neglected and think you don’t care about her or her feelings. You need to make time to talk to her because marriage is all about communication. If you guys don’t talk, how is the marriage going to work?
Dr. Scott Haltzman’s book “Secrets of Happily Married Men” says “Most people assume that if there is conflict in a marriage, there must be something wrong. The reality is, conflict is part of marriage.” No marriage can be perfect. Even in the best of marriages the couple is going to have some sort of argument/disagreement. It’s like having an argument with a family member. The argument is probably over something stupid and ends after you have spoken your mind. In my family they mostly end in a fist fight. But when it’s over you realize you love that person and you just had to let off some steam. Your wife told you that she wants space and that she is not seeing someone else, so you don’t have to doubt her.
You have to trust your wife’s decision for wanting to have a little space because if you don’t let her get that space she might fell boxed in and leave for a while. I have known people whose parent took time off from their marriage because they felt like their life was being controlled by their spouse. It is normal for relationships/marriage to be difficult because no relationship is easy. You cannot over think problems in your marriage because they could lead to a problem that was worse than the one you were facing. If you can take your marriage as serious as you take your job, give your wife some space occasionally and realize there are conflicts in marriage, you can make your marriage run smoothly. I hope this helps! Good luck
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