He has Mommy Issues, and lied about BIG STUFF, what to do?

[amandaterasu]

I have two children from a previous marriage (my ex decided that he wanted to live with the woman he had an affair with and walked out).

When my ex and I started dating, he knew I had children, and he said that he was fine with that, because he wanted to have a family some day, and he was great with them when he met them both.

Before he ever got near my children, I paid to have a full background check done, and nothing unusual came up. I met his remaining family, (his mother died about 6 years ago) and they were very nice, and seemed to like me. So, we decided to get married, and the wedding was a little over a year ago.

Recently, we started talking about having another child. He was very excited about it, but then, he began to act very wierd.

He became a completely different person, very subservient, and doing whatever I said. While I enjoyed on the 'Aw, he's trying to make me happy' front, there was a very wierd vibe to it. Like if I told him to jump off of a cliff, he would have.

On the anniversary of his mother's death, he was very distraught, which I felt was understandable, but then he started asking me to "do things she did" like... wear some of her clothes, do my hair like she did... I refused, because I found it creepy. I told him I would happily comfort him, but not in morbid/creepy ways. That night I woke up because he had pulled down the front of my nightgown and was attempting to nurse on one of my breasts. At first I thought he was trying to be sexual, so I started to respond, and then he berated me because he 'just wanted comfort like breastfeeding babies do'.

I freaked out, and I started sleeping in the guest bedroom. We went to visit his family again, and they mentioned that when he was a teenager, he'd been convicted of molesting his younger sister. When I asked why it hadn't come up on the background check, his aunt mentioned that the record had been sealed when he became an adult. Apparently, his mother had 'stopped talking to him' after it went to court, and he has all these issues because of it.

After I learned that I told him I didn't think it was a good idea for us to be living together right now. My children and I moved in with my family, and I told him I wanted to go to counseling. He refuses, insisting that there is "nothing wrong" and the molestation thing when he was a kid is "no big deal". Even though I never asked him directly "Did you molest your sister when you were a kid?" I did ask him if there was "anything I should know about" before i did the background check, and he said no. I feel like i've been lied to, or at least experienced the world's biggest sin of omission. I have to keep my children safe, and I don't know if he is safe yet. When I asked if I could see all the documentation about the case, he refused, saying it "didn't matter".

On the one hand, I do care about him, but I don't know if I can stay married to him with this. It's not just that he lied to me. I have children to protect. But I don't want to hurt him. He refuses to go to any kind of therapy, or get marital counselling, or even give me full disclosure on what happened.

I called his aunt to ask for the information, and she said she didn't have it.

[ThunderHorse]

It may be helpful to attempt to define several issues, for which separate answers can be assessed, and then combined to give an over-all direction.

One issue is your second husband's mental stability, as of this time. Some of his child-like behaviors seem regressive, and he seems not able to shift back into an adult framework, without hesitation.

Another issue is his refusal to participate in counseling of any kind. Many would argue that admission of a need for help, is a necessary step to progress. Since your husband refuses to attend any counseling, for any reason, it is not possible to determine if general counseling could provide some relief.

Another issue is trust. Can you trust your husband to behave responsibly around you and your children?

Another issue could be the number of factual situations in which your husband is in denial. It seems there are unresolved issues with his deceased mother, and secrets regarding the improprieties with his sister.

Another issue would be the support available to you and your children, if you were to attempt to continue the marrriage with your husband. Sexual preferences are not something that respond to general therapy. Are you prepared for slip-ups and starting over again, some more numbers of times?

It is often difficult to get a family member to get help, whether it is alcohol, drugs, or some other social problem. What are the avenues available to attempt to motivate your husband to seek evaluation? What is left to be tried?

It seems you have given your husband a clear choice for him to find some sort of counseling, if he wishes to continue the marriage.

There is a Plan A and a Plan B in dealing with serious marital problems. Plan A is to talk about the issues in a pleasant manner. Plan B is to set certain conditions to be met, and once those conditions are clearly understood, to cut off, and minimize, contact with the offending spouse, until the conditions are met.

Even if your husband refuses therapy, he could take an MMPI test, or some other clinical assessment evaluation tests, to see if there are issues that might lead to unreliability. Without some professional evaluation, or at least pop psychology tests, it seems you need to trust your instincts.

The past incest, by itself, when your husband was under-age, does not seem, by itself, to be a sufficient reason to distrust your husband. Many young men have had youthful indiscretions, and grown up to be responsible husbands.

But your husband is refusing to discuss his sister and his mother, and you have no way to get more detailed information, together with your husband's child-like behavior, plus his denying that his behavior is outside the normal range, sets up some questions.

Personally, when someone privately tells me that my behaviour is strange, I try to understand their criticism,and become more main stream. Or I may have one or more reasons for my unorthodox approach. But I usually do not start criticizing the person who is pulling my coat.

It seems that obtaining more people for your support system, to augment your family, might be a first step for you, so that you have a framework from which to make choices about your next steps.

Sometimes you try to be careful, and things still go wrong. You should feel self-satisfied, that is, inteligently responsible, yourself, for having tried to find things out in advance, in an effort to avoid being where you now find yourself.




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[ThunderHorse]

I have two children from a previous marriage

Recently, we started talking about having another child. He was very excited about it, but then, he began to act very wierd.

He became a completely different person,

Possibly theconcept of eh resonsibility of children of his own, was a shift in gears for your husband.

There is a wide range of theraputic processes that are helpful for parents in parenting courses, books and DVD's. Has your husband refused to take parenting classes, or study books or DVd's with you, or with a counselor?

Discussing parenting strategies migth help your husband resolve whatever issues he might have with father-hood, and might give you more information from which to make evaluations for yourself.

If your husband refuses to participate in parenting strategy discussions, then that will give you more information from which you can make your decisions, as you move forward.

With your children, your husband may have been comfortable taking a back seat to your leadership. Contemplating a child of his own, with you, creates a new set of responsibilities.


Some Parenting Refernces



3 Parenting Refs Posted on Thread:

http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... .php?t=529


Web MD Article
http://www.webmd.com/parenting/guide/10 ... -teenagers



Gary Smalley
http://www.iquestions.com/video/view/218


Parenting with Dignity
http://www.parentingwithdignity.com/





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[ThunderHorse]

I have two children from a previous marriage ...


I called his aunt to ask for the information, and she said she didn't have it.

Another aspect of the situations is guilt. If your husband's acting strangely since thinking about having his own children, he may feel guilty about his past. There may be guilt that would be more healthy if it were more fully retributed.

Perhaps your sister in law would like to keep her privacy. But attonement for your huaband's actions can be in forms other than full disclosure.

[socialdistortion]

Dear Amandaterasu,

I think Thunderhorse makes several well thought out and valid points. Issues like these are beyond the scope of helpful suggestions. I support the view that counseling or a psychological evaluation might be the best avenue for you and your husband. There could be many underlying issues to his behavior and trust issues for you. Professionals are trained in issues like these and could provide you with useful tools to help you both.

Social Distortion