Future spouse makes more

Future spouse makes more

Postby shy_and_timid » Fri Apr 21, 2006 4:14 pm

In one of your columns, you mention women, like being provided for. I'm going to be married in May, and I can't really provide that. I'm a history teacher, and my wife is an attorney. She makes at least 100K a year. Do you have any advice on this situation?

This doesn't bother me, in and of itself, but I wonder about financial conflicts in the future.

Also, in your book, you talk briefly about supporting her ambitions. What, specifically, do you mean? Verbal encouragement, offering concessions (i.e. trying to get more flexibility, so you can stay home more, if this is a consideration), or what?
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Support and provide

Postby Scott Haltzman » Sun Apr 23, 2006 8:41 pm

Dear Shy,

I'm so glad you're reading this book before you get married. I've heard from so many people "If only I had read this book before..." Good luck on you upcoming wedding.

Good questions! Interestingly, studies show less and less that men feel the need to earn more than their wives. Hey, we're not fools! If she earns a lot of money, everybody benefits!

Also, please remember that when I write about what "woman want," it may not be all women. That being said, I have found that, in general, women DO want to feel like their man will "protect and serve." In my opinion, it really doesn't matter all that much whether you earn more than her, that's only a small part of providing for her. When she says, "I'm thirsty," do you say "What would you like me to get you to drink?" If she say's I'm cold, do you ask if you can get her a sweater. Most times she'll say, "No, I can take care of myself." But showing her the kind of chilvary you demonstrated when you were dating can be your way of saying, "I'm here to make sure your needs are taken care of."

Also, remember that by being a teacher one of the things you "provide" is standing in the community and impacting the future of children's lives. I hope your wife sees this as part of the value you bring to the marriage.

You're on the right track about supporting ambitions. Too often I see men's first reaction to a woman's career goals as "That's stupid," or "How exactly do you plan on pulling that off." Take the time to listen to your wife's dreams. Let her know that you value her opinions. And, yes, pitch in in a way that demonstrates that you take her seriously.

Thanks for joining our message board, don't be too shy/timid!

Please remember: THE SITE DOES NOT PROVIDE MEDICAL ADVICE. The information about relationship, emotional, psychiatric, psychological disorders and treatments diseases contained on this website or through e-mail correspondence is general in nature and is intended for use as an educational and reference. NOTHING CONTAINED IN THE SERVICE IS INTENDED TO BE FOR MEDICAL DIAGNOSIS OR TREATMENT.
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Postby shy_and_timid » Mon Apr 24, 2006 7:18 pm

:D thanks for replying.

I will certainly keep those things in mind. I suppose on financial conflicts, I should remember the following, she works hard for her salary, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't have any say in how it's spent.

Also, since the book is based largely on what men can do, you do note that women tend to have a lot of clout in a marriage. What should husbands expect (within reasonable bounds) from their wives?
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Deal with it now

Postby rogersje » Mon Jun 19, 2006 8:55 am

Since I have read that money is one of the biggest issues in a marriage, I would get that out in the open now. I always believed that it is "our money", "not your money our money". All our funds get put into one pot and once the bills are paid we then discuss the rest of the disburstment. No one have more of a say just because they make more.

There were times my wife only contributed a little since she was in grad school and so far, I have always made more than she has, but that did not reduce her input as to how we spent money, our financial planning, etc. In fact, she has taken on the role of bill payer since she is better at it and I try to do the bigger picture things (college plan, retirement, etc.).

If you do not take care of it now it will come back to bite you later. :shock:
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Male financial gains in marriage

Postby aceofspades » Sat Jun 24, 2006 1:15 pm

I think somewhere or another SH mentioned that some men do think/feel they're staying married primarily for financial reasons and to stay with kids. But, although we've all heard horrible stories about high child support payments, on average a man's standard of living actually improves 10% through divorce. Perhaps, men who are afraid of child support and financial ruin, would actually be better off divorced.

I wonder how much financial advantage s&t will gain in the long run, if they stay married.
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Re: Deal with it now

Postby arbo » Wed Jun 28, 2006 7:23 pm

rogersje wrote:Since I have read that money is one of the biggest issues in a marriage, I would get that out in the open now. I always believed that it is "our money", "not your money our money". All our funds get put into one pot and once the bills are paid we then discuss the rest of the disburstment. No one have more of a say just because they make more.

There were times my wife only contributed a little since she was in grad school and so far, I have always made more than she has, but that did not reduce her input as to how we spent money, our financial planning, etc. In fact, she has taken on the role of bill payer since she is better at it and I try to do the bigger picture things (college plan, retirement, etc.).


I fully agree here with rogersje.

We have always treated wages and money as "our money", regardless of who was earning more at the time. My wife did earn more than me for a while, but not anymore, being a SAHM, but when she did, it was never a problem. We used to joke about me becoming a "man kept in the manner I want to become acustomed too" :lol:

My wife looks after our finances, even though I am the sole wage earner at the moment, because she does that well and has more time available to do so.

Supporting your wife can mean all of those things that you mentioned and more. Basically you should be supporting all the decisions that you both make. You can be a sounding board for her and her ideas and a place for her to come home to, to relax or vent, just as you might want to do after a hard day at work.

Good luck.
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not such a big problem

Postby shy_and_timid » Thu Jul 06, 2006 7:14 pm

thanks for all the responses. We are for the most part incorporating the 'our money' idea, although She's probably saving more than we would have decided on collectively, but that's not upsetting.
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