Well.....she got her equality. Now what?

Well.....she got her equality. Now what?

Postby afterthought » Mon Jan 24, 2011 6:55 pm

My wife is a feminist, though she will deny it. Never misses a chance to take pot shots at men and how 'abusive, ego-centric, irresponsible, immoral, etc.' all men are. I have spent my life making sure that my wife never had to face 'the glass ceiling' even at the expense of my own career.......and even helping her find work in the career field she wanted to be in. Unfortunately, I'm in the same field. Now, all we do is compete and that competition has turned into disrespect.

I was not the 'competitive' type, growing up. It's not my style. She, on the other hand, has always had problems in the workplace and working in the corporate world because she is so competitive with.......men! Truly, she has no problems with women, though she will never let another woman dominate her. She will allow men, whom most feminists claim are 'mysogynous' or 'players', to dominate, however. She thinks it's 'sexy'. It's fine if they cheat on ther wives.......THEY are producers.......THEY are achievers! Huh?

We started our lives all over again and re-located three times, so far, to other parts of the country. She, always having her clients in tow, and me, starting over again each time (usually because she's scalped mine or convinced me to 'turn them over to her' because she is 'better' at what she does). I realized that 'motherhood' was not her strength early on, and willingly adapted to that role. In fact, I loved it. Yet, as every year went by, as our child grew healthy, intelligent, happy and independent, I lost more and more work.......and more and more self-respect. I've become that 'woman' that everyone hears about.......you know, the one who 'got married, raised the kids, kept the home running and........NOW what do I do?".

My wife first said 'it's OK if I make more money......you just have an ego problem with me making more......that's all'. But every time it comes to a financial discussion, and even though I shoulder 95% of the child rearing and doemstic burden, she still fights with me about money. I have to beg her for money to go shopping for groceries because she's already commandered all the bank accounts. What's weirder is that every financial INVESTMENT that I've made, has profited, big time, but she doesn't count that income as 'real money'.......I still need to find a 'real job' (I make over 6 figures a year, by the way in my current line of work......it's just that it's in HER field).

I had no problem capitulating every time for the sake of her career-it's just that the public put downs became less subtle with the years, and now she has no qualms about discussing personal finances (or my lack thereof) in public.......and not just her friends, but mine AND in front of my clients!

It's not just the public put downs either. It's the constant complaining, the need to make her self look better to everyone or to be right, every time, the interruptions when I, at last, attempt to get a word in edge-wise, or her need to make me look 'stupid' all the time-no matter where and when. Yep......she's a bully.

Now, she's taken to drinking. And she's becoming abusive to our pre-teen son. Worse, she puts him down, interrupts him, corrects him, and does not pay attention to him when he's speaking, and, of course, NEVER spends time with him. BUT, you see, this is all MY fault.......I'm the one who is 'poisoning the well' and putting thoughts into his head. My son feels neglected by his mom, to the extent that, when she is out of town for weeks at a time on a business trip (I have to stop whatever work I have, of course, in order for her to do so), he refuses to call her. Now, they are beginning to have real issues, and I am being blamed for them.

Lately, she has hired more assistants, as her business grows. We both work out of the house. The assistants are there, in the house, for at least 12 hours a day. They all have daily 'work meetings' at night-all over cocktails, and I have to cook for all of them. One of the male assistants has a crush on her, but she denies it. However, whenever they go out of town together on a 'business trip', they eat all their meals together, go to events together, and stay in the same condo together (one of the partners provides the condos). I know she isn't cheating, but it drives me crazy. The final straw came when my wife loaned this young man her brand-new, expensive, sports car for a couple of weeks, while she was out of town (he stayed behind that time).

I'm fed up, but I don't want to hurt our son (dare I say, in this case, MY son?). I know divorce would be devastating, and because she so far exceeds my earning capabilities, because of all the re-locations, because of my age and other factors, it would be a 'scorched earth' (in her mind) if ever we went to court. She already makes such comments about our friends who have divorced and IF the man is awarded support by the courts, it's always 'well, he was only in it for the money'! What? She didn't make as much as I did when we got married and it's BECAUSE of me that she does now!

The thing that most offends me about all the financial stuff is that I am paying all my bills.....with nothing left over. Nothing for a movie, a vacation, or even dinner out. In the meantime, she adds to her vast collection of watches, rings, jewelry, cars, horses, purses, clothing, etc., etc....And when I come up short, she berates me.......(mind you, I'M the one with the ego problem, you see.....).

It seems pointless to try to please her. She feels that she pays for everything. I can't even buy her Christmas presents because she says "don't spend anything on me because you never get it right, as for what I want or like........and I wind up paying for it anyway, so just don't bother". Can't go there. My heart has been broken too many times......it really, truly kills me.......no, better yet, it decimates me. I can not please her. Not in any way. What's the point?

We are in therapy, and she is happier, but it hasn't changed her ways. She is happier because "you are finally getting help for YOUR problem". My problem! What a laugh! The 'laugh' is that, as soon as I booked the session (she couldn't be bothered), that I 'instantly' got better! Weird! So, it was a simple matter of ME giving in and admitting my problem in her mind.....Funny......even before we even met the first time with the therapist, she was already saying that I was 'better' to her. Huh?

We once had a dynamic and wonderful life. Sex? Went bye-bye after the birth of our son. Mutual interests? I'd like that, but she only wants to spend time doing what SHE loves and finds me, and what I like, 'boring'. I'm too 'technical', too 'boring', too 'professorial', too 'eccentric'! What? Because we've reversed traditional roles and I'm successful at it? Strange.......

I'm done, but I can't walk away. I'm a Christian and I feel like I will be sinning if there is a divorce without infidelity. I am content to not make waves and just keep my mouth shut, but even then I am wrong and criticized for not reacting in a 'predictable' way.

Help. I am beginning to loath the fact that I ever even tried to understand the feminist viewpoint. Men and women simply are NOT equal, nor the same. A woman's ego, in my estimation, is much bigger than a man's. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" is such an anti-fiminist viewpoint-yet I've found it to be true in every case! It just doesn't work......and I'm living proof!
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Postby gratheroni » Sat Jan 29, 2011 11:43 am

I find it interesting that the title of your post calls this situation "equality."

I consider myself somewhat of a "watered-down" feminist (feminist because I am supportive of the whole idea of women's "equality" and challenging gender roles, but watered-down because I find extreme feminism annoying, and I am pro-life).

Honestly, after reading your post, it doesn't seem to me that this issue has to do with your wife's feminism and supposed "equality" in your marriage, nor does it seem to be about the role differences (you being the primary parent, working less outside of the home, etc.). The issue to me appears more about the lack of respect you receive in the relationship. While it's theoretically great for feminism that your wife has been as "successful" as she is (whatever that means), and that you have taken on the primary parent role, and love it, none of that should include disrespect and abuse toward you or your son (or men in general, even). It's not YOUR fault that women have struggled for professional equality. Actually, it seems as though you have been supportive of her successes, and sadly, that support has been abused.
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I agree!

Postby Scott Haltzman » Sun Jan 30, 2011 8:24 am

Good insights, Gatheroni.
So many times we look to our partner to build us up, and it feels doubly bad when they do the opposite.
-Scott
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Postby socialdistortion » Mon Jan 31, 2011 2:44 pm

Dear Afterthought,

I think you are getting the words ‘feminist’ and ‘narcissist’ mixed up. They sound similar, but mean totally different things.

Social Distortion
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Re: Well.....she got her equality. Now what?

Postby ThunderHorse » Fri Feb 04, 2011 3:41 am

afterthought wrote:My wife is a feminist, though she will deny it. Never misses a chance to take pot shots at men and how 'abusive, ego-centric, irresponsible, immoral, etc.' all men are. I have spent my life making sure that my wife never had to face 'the glass ceiling' even at the expense of my own career.......and even helping her find work in the career field she wanted to be in. Unfortunately, I'm in the same field. Now, all we do is compete and that competition has turned into disrespect.

It's not just the public put downs either. It's the constant complaining, the need to make her self look better to everyone or to be right, every time, the interruptions when I, at last, attempt to get a word in edge-wise, or her need to make me look 'stupid' all the time-no matter where and when. Yep......she's a bully.

Now, she's taken to drinking. And she's becoming abusive to our pre-teen son. Worse, she puts him down, interrupts him, corrects him, and does not pay attention to him when he's speaking, and, of course, NEVER spends time with him. BUT, you see, this is all MY fault.......I'm the one who is 'poisoning the well' and putting thoughts into his head. My son feels neglected by his mom, to the extent that, when she is out of town for weeks at a time on a business trip !




You do not mention your listening skills. You seem to be arguing with your wife, instead of giving her good listening. There are two chapters on listening in the Men's Sectrets books. Going to counseling gives me a signal you are not encouraging your wife to vent 15 Min per day. You should be using that info to do little things for her.


Compliments for husbands to give wives during listening sessions:
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... .php?t=477

8th Post Down 15 Min Listening
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ght=listen

2nd Post Down 15 Min Listening
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ght=listen

3rd Post Down, Gives some phrases for a husband to be encouraging wife to talk.
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ght=listen

Husband has wife who says she hates him, Listening discussed:
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ght=listen

Post 2, 7 and 12 discuss the Love diet of offering to listen several times a day, even when your wife is usually not interested in talking,
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... light=diet


Thread on Unconditional listening phrases,
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... .php?t=451

Giving compliments to the Wife as a way to encourage venting.
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... .php?t=477







You do not mention your re-appraoch techniques after a rejection for sex. Apparently your wife is still sleeping in your house when she is in town. I get rejected for sex in my marriage, but I work on my re-approach skills. I try to approachmy wife for sex, in the firstg place, in a stimulating manner, so when I withdraw after a rejection, the glow of desire has been initiated, and may take a few more steps to get kindled.



One aspect not mentioned is verbal abuse response skills. If you wife is being verbally inconsiderate, you should improve your own verbal abuse respnse skills, and help your son to better manage his realtion ship with his mother.


There are a number of threads dsicussing verbal abuse. Suzette Elgin has written several books. Basically use blithering babble, compliments, the "Boring Baroque response".



Post No 2 provides suggestions for a wife to deal with verbal abuse from a husband. Post No 12 discusses incorporating Compliments into blithering pleasantries in response to spousal abuse.
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ight=abuse

List of Secrets threads on verbal abuse before April 18, 2010
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ight=abuse

Second post on this thread lists other threads and references on Verbal Abuse:
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ight=abuse

Recent thread on Verbal abuse, with references, Second Post to Husband who was abusive, but whose wife has turned abusive.
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ight=abuse


Compliments for husbands to give wives during blithering Boring Baroque responses to Verbal abuse:
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... .php?t=477







//
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Re: Well.....she got her equality. Now what?

Postby ivycool » Tue May 29, 2012 7:18 pm

I think you are getting the words ‘feminist’ and ‘narcissist’ mixed up. They sound similar, but mean totally different things.
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Re: Well.....she got her equality. Now what?

Postby cfina » Sat Jul 14, 2012 4:09 am

I think you need to fire all the assistants, she might like that because she respects other men being in control. Do it , see what happens.
And then tell her you did it because YOU love her and they are getting in the way of your relationship with her. Remember that's why this all bothers you
because you LOVE HER- secretly in your heart of hearts you know it's true. Let her take care of you- she wants to and would love to be rewarded for it.
She is desperately and meanly telling you - you are important.
Tell her you love her and that your relationship with her is really important to you. You have stayed home and taken( what you think is a back seat )
because YOU LOVE HER.
This doesn't have anything to do with her being a feminist. This is all about you being RIGHT. It's got to be confusing for both of you.
But no one can abuse us without our permission. Is being a martyr what you want with your life?
Is being a victim important to you? It sounds like it is. You are not in competition with her , you are in this together. If you divorce in this day and
age she has to give you your share.
And you are poisoning the well. You can't help it. You are dissing her to your child and trying to make their relationship
difficult for revenge. It's not something that is healthy for him, it's something YOU are choosing to do to him.
If you told him how much you love her, he would love you more because he knows you love her. HE LOVES her too- even though out of some messed up loyalty you would like him ALL to YOURSELF. You are isolating him and her and it's abusive- stop it.
Reguardless of how you say it's not your fault he doesn't like her. You aren't being as subtle as you think. She KNOWS you HATE her.
She still LOVES you that is why she is being a bitch.
That is why she does what she does.
You are really very passive agressive, and your son is taking cues from you. You aren't even allowing her to have a relationship with someone who came
from her WOMB? What does that say about YOU as a man?
That you have to have EVERYTHING. You are doing as much damage to him as she is.
When you hate the woman that made him so much, how can you love him completely? It's a knife that cuts both ways. When you try to LASH out at her
which you do, no one is a saint. You are hurting yourself and him. It's good you are in therapy, do it for yourself. Forgive her, it's like stabbing yourself and
thinking it's going to hurt her. Stop thinking she hates you and try to LOVE her, you don't love yourself if you don't try to love her too.
Do it for that beautiful boy! I bet if you love her ,he will not feel guilty about loving her too. You have/had a mom, how would you secretly feel about
the man who tried to make you hate her? You would feel conflicted about loving him too. NO matter what, we all love our mothers no matter how bad they are to us.
I know she seems impossible but you are sending really bad mixed signals. And it's like you're pissing on her for territory- it's not pretty. She must love you because she is hurt too but, you cannot see the speck in her eye before you get the PLANK out of your own. YOUR title post was so much about the hatred of all women who stand up for themselves, how could you love any woman honestly if this is the first sentence of your post? Think about how you are hurting both of you to be right and feel in control. You are a partner in this marriage , not someone who in inequal . YOU ARE EQUAL. Remember that , no one can makes us
feel small without us having a part in it. It takes two to be in a relationship. And I would send that man packing ASAP , that's what she wanted you to
do to prove you still care about her. She is not emasculating you- YOU are doing it to yourself. YOU are half of this marriage- it doesn't matter what money she makes - you own half of everything no matter where you are. So make her pay her share if you resent it. Stand up for yourself. You are as important as you let yourself be. And you are ruining your son's chance of being happy in any relationship he has by taking pot shots at her.
cfina
 
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