Disagreeing

Disagreeing

Postby ThunderHorse » Mon Jul 31, 2006 8:06 pm

A Nearby Library has the book, Secrets of Married Men.

I have looked it over twice, for 1/2 hour each time, but not checked it out.

One study cited states that marriages can be judged by how couples make up.

I have disciplined myself to avoid making needlessly critical remarks, and limiting my expressions of feelings to saying I feel you could be more accommodating by ...

When I have said overly hurtful remarks in arguments in the past with my wife, I have noticed that it often takes longer to make up.

So I would say that the fighting is important, for being easier able to make up.

There are no Forum sections for Marital Arguments. Perhaps i feel my role is that of a Wounded Buffalo.

There were some books that were more popular on Marital Disagreements, The Intimate Enemy, and More on the Intimate Enemy. Those books set up some ground rules to avoid causing excessive hurt in marital disagreements.

I naturally have a drive to make others appear wrong. In Adolescents, this is call Oppositional Defiant Disorder. I try to discipline myself to avoid the negatives. I also recognize the motivational value, and try to select constructive targets for my over-riding agenda. I try to pick on people other than my wife.
ThunderHorse
 
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Agree to disagree

Postby Scott Haltzman » Wed Aug 02, 2006 5:40 am

Hi Thunderhorse!

My most compelling question is: Why don't you check out the book and read the whole thing!

You've learned many good techniques, it seems, about managing inevitable disagreements. Somewhere along the line, and I don' think I was the first to coin the phrase, I've learned: "You can either be right, or be married!"

One of the things that men who are happy in marriage have taught me though, is that we use techniques of trying to understand others' points of view in our professional life (at our job), it's not a stretch to apply our Dale Carnagie techniques to our marriages also.

I'm interested in your wounded buffalo label. Do you think your wife notices when you are in pain?

S.H.
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Postby ThunderHorse » Wed Aug 02, 2006 6:34 am

Dear Dr. Haltzman,

Thanks for your reply, an interesting forum, and a helpful book on marriage from a husband's perspective.

My wounded buffalo approach is to state clearly what I find as unfair, and grab some back packs of bills to pay, and head out for the library, or shopping, for several hours.

My wife notices my concerns, and I avoid going on with arguing that might lead to my making more hurtful remarks to my wife.

My wife is more into making decisions on the spur of the moment, and taking other's ideas into account, rather than trying to please me, her husband. So I have yet to find a constructive negotiating strategy suitable for my wife's impulsive character.
ThunderHorse
 
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not disagreeing

Postby Scott Haltzman » Wed Aug 02, 2006 10:25 am

Thunderhorse,

Most people feel unsatisfied with the outcome of a discussion because they don't feel heard. Moreover, once a person feels heard, genuinely listened to and respected for their comments, he or she is much more open to feedback. (this is the crux of my chapter on listening).

You've solved one problem, how not to lose your cool. And I give you credit. You might be surprised that your wife may value your input--but only after you've acknowledged her.

You may also ask yourself whether some of the things you voice a dissenting opinion on are really worth commenting negatively on. Sometimes women are less likely to enjoy the intellectual banter of playing devil's advocate--they may look at your differing opinion as evidence that you don't respect her. In other words, find a way to disagree less (unless it's on issues like: "Let's spend our entire 401 K on this great investment opportunity I just E-mailed to me from the daughter of a deceased Prime Minister of the Ivory Coast").

Studies show that the ability to accept a wife's influence is a good predictor of preventing divorce.

S.H.


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Postby ThunderHorse » Thu Aug 03, 2006 9:40 pm

Dear Dr Haltzman.

I try to practice listening by doing anything that my wife may ask, that can be done simply and quickly.

Give me $10.00. No argument, Done.

But Impulsivity, and influence by others and an inability to say No, and saying Yes to others too often, and being unwilling to discuss character improvement creates a challenge for listening.
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patience

Postby Scott Haltzman » Fri Aug 04, 2006 5:18 am

How long have you been married, Thunderhorse?

S.H.
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Postby ThunderHorse » Sun Aug 13, 2006 2:29 pm

How long should I stay married?

How foolish should I feel for having stayed married for longer than reasonable?

At what age is it reasonable to leave a wife who enjoys giving her hsband a hard time? After how many years of trying? How many years after the youngest child turns 18?

Any techniques for negotiating better with someone who is impulsive with a short attention span? Who enjoys a make-wrong approach attitude?

You mentioned Diagnosis earlier in the thread. Some of my wife's characterstics could match up with some of the ADHD characteristics. Whether she should be diagnosed ADHD or not is really central to my current thinking. My wife resists offers of therapy.

Yesterday I figured out that my wife had done some sneaky things, like having her brother come over and change some curtain vanitys around. Not that that is a big deal, but her attitude was condescending and sneaky.

So I slept on the couch in the living room last night, and she asked me, harshly, what was wrong in the morning. I told her it seemed that she was more interested in arguing than in trying to be loving and respectful. I told her that she had known me for quite a few years, and I was sure taht if she thought about it, she would figure it out.

My wife mentioned a few things that were bothering me, but said that the issues whe was aware of should not bother me. I just told her I was in a bad mood, and maybe we cold talk about it in a day or two. So my wife knows what sneaky things she did, and that she could have spent tiem with me doing what she had her brother do. My wife spends too much time with her relatives and not enough time with me. My availablity is regular, but my wife gets caught up impulsively at the last minute, by her relatives, when she should be spending time with me.

I followed the principle from the Secrets Book of not exagerating criticism about my wife, to my wife.

My father often went to sleep on the couch, in the living room, and my mother would go to bed, before my father went up. Often my father would be asleep on the couch past midnight, for several hours after my mother had gone to bed.

I felt this was wrong, and that my father should have gone up to bed with my mother on time.

Now, I see there is a power structure of expressing dissatisfaction, but being home, and asserting some level of authority, by sleeping on the living room couch.

Spending time at home, arguing constructively, and avoiding put-downs are recommedation of the Haltzman Book of Secrets
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