Child with Special Needs

[jdabbott51]

Total shot in the dark here. Three years ago our son was born. While he's the sweetest most happiest kid in the world, the incessant labor involved in such an endeavor, and all of the insurance, medical surgeries and uncertainty as well as the organizational bureaucracy we have to wade through is maddening. We're exhausted, our patience is on it's last leg and neither of us are happy. There's a couple of questions I have:

a.) While there's always talk that happily married men live longer than single men, is there any study that shows that unhappily married men live less than single men?

b.) Who finances these studies??? The 700 club???? It always seems like there's some underlying religious ulterior motive that's bent on getting us all to the altar. Is there any study that does an overall look at just any marriage in general for better or worse?

b.) Is it ever possible to have a happy marriage when you have a child with special needs? I once read that the divorce rate is 80%! Can any relationship truly endure such a thing? I want this to work out for my son, but our sanity is truly at risk.

At wit's end ,

J New Mexico

[Scott Haltzman]

Hi J.

Yeah. Life comes at you fast. And lots of time, the stuff that comes at you isn't easy, pretty or cheap. I'm glad you joined the boards, and are looking for answers.

One thing to remember is that all families who have their first child (and subsequent ones) are stressed, and happiness levels often decline after a child is born (despite what pundits say about children making your marriage grow closer). Admittedly, having a special needs child does tend to stress things more.

Happy men live longer, but studies show that in when couples aren't happy some--but not all--of the protective factors are gone. For instance, compared to single or divorced men, husbands drink and smoke less, get in less accidents, and eat healthier. And it's not religious organizations who sponsor these studies (in most cases), often liberals and feminists are behind the research.

What's important to remember is that couples who find themselves frustrated in marriage can have marriages that are a lot more satisfying for both of them. And many couples are willing to bail out before they find a way to solve things. That's why I write books; you can't be expected to figure out the intricacies of marriage without help anymore than you can figure out how to get red wine out of a white shirt. The answers are there, but you just need some direction.

By the way, you use club soda or seltzer to get out red wine. It's amazing how it works!

Hang in there; I'm sure you've got a lot of love to give.

Scott

[ThunderHorse]

Part of the challenge of special needs child, is handling the tencency for parents to blame each other for this or that. Any room to do less blaming?

What is it you are unhappy about?

How are you able to give your wife comfort, support and Admiration?

Life can be viewed as what we give. How are you managing your giving? Are you spending too much effort in giving? how can you make your efforts more effective? What additional resources might be available to help you with handling insurnace and government programs?

Are there options for taking a break from constant care for your child?

Does your wife appreciate the extra effort you are making to support her and her/your child?

"Can I have some extra displays of affection in recognition of the extra efforts I make in helping with our child?"



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