My Wife Hates my Parents!

[PalePoetWarlord]

First post,

I'll try to keep this relatively short, but give adequate backstory. My wife and I have been married and struggling for about 2 years. She has screamed at me so often that I love my parents more than her. That I have put them in front of her in my decision making process over and over again and thus she cannot forgive my past transgressions. She hates my parents and has been quick to tell me exactly how much she hates them repeatedly. This puts me on the defense, because they're people that I love and that raised me. I'm currently living with a friend of mine after having another blow out fight. I want to save my marriage, but all the times I've put my parents in front of my wife, I didn't realize that I was doing it. Now she's deteriorated physically, mentally, and emotionally. She is struggling with depression. Her hair falls out. She flies off the handle at the smallest mistake that I make. Her jaw hurts, and she blames me for everything. We've had the same conversation over and over again where she begs, screams, or cries and tells me to fix it. I tell her I don't know how, that I've been trying, or that I'm looking for answers. I am. It kills me to watch her fall apart like this. I'm in the military and stationed far away from her home. She feels isolated. She misses her folks, and she has few friends here.

Has anyone ever been into a similar situation? I'm hoping I can get some insight here. I know I can't be alone. Thanks guys, and Happy New Year.

-Nathan

[ThunderHorse]

You deserve commendation for your service in the Military.

It seems to me that you might be less defensive if your improved your skills of encouraging your wife to vent, without taking her accusations personally. See the LISTENING STRATEGIES FOR MEN thread under communications.

Sometimes my wife criticizes me, and I get the feeling that she is looking for compliments for herself. There is a thread under Communications, COMPLIMENTS FOR WIVES.

You mention criticism from your wife, there is a thread under Communications, MY WIFE IS HYPER CRITICAL, PLEASE HELP. The Boring Baroque Response of Suzette Elgin is discussed.

Lately I have been using Tonglen, which is a meditation of Breathing in the Problem, and envisioning good solutions, as breathing out. How can you describe your problem? How can you envision your redemption?




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[ThunderHorse]

For Tonglen, we could define the problem as Your wife tells you she hates your parents, and you find this conversation unpleasant. One solution is to ask your wife to stop talking about your parents. I suggest this is not a good solution, because your wife has some feelings, at least symbolically, related to your parents. So it is an important function for your wife, the you listen to her feelings, whichever seem important at the moment.

An alternative solution, would be for you, as the husband, to develop the skills of listening to your wife's discussing her feelings about your parents, and whoever, so that you are not assuaged with guilt. This is limited by obvious changes or actions you can easily make, to give consideration to your wife's feelings. This can be an objective for your personal therapy sessions.




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