wife wants separation

wife wants separation

Postby dr.mcg » Wed Nov 01, 2006 1:05 pm

Hi,
I am new to this but need help. My wife and I have been married for about 11 years, we have three children (9, 6, and 3). A few years ago my wife wanted me to go with her for counseling. I did not think anything was wrong so I said no. Ten months ago she asked again and i said no, thinking nothing was wrong. About a year ago, she sought help for depression and I refused to see that there was a problem since this was my beautiful wife.
She has had some major stresses in her life recently and would like a separation. I am not sure how long these last and what the general outcomes are...I have told her that I am totally committed to our relationship and am now aware that we should seek counsel but she says that "it might be too little, too late."
I really want to share the rest of my life with this woman...any suggestions?
dr.mcg
 
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Postby elizacol » Thu Nov 02, 2006 12:53 am

See, it's not only women that can be slow learners. :wink:
(I am referring to a different thread)

Continue to show your commitment and be consistent.

I know I say this in every thread, but the website and book Divorce Busters is AWESOME.

You need to let her talk with you openly about what you did over the past few years that led her to this point. Then, stop doing them. Not easy, but stop! Do the total opposite of what you did in the past (180's).

If you weren't listening (obviously, since she appealed to you and you did little to meet her appeals), then listen. Listen without judgement, without malice, without lashing back. Just listen and acknowledge her feelings.

What you will hear will hurt, but in the end it will help you because you will know exactly what NOT to do from this point on.

Give it a try.
elizacol
 
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Time to know your wife

Postby Scott Haltzman » Thu Nov 02, 2006 3:57 pm

Hi Doc,

Thanks for reaching out through this forum. One of the biggest patterns that I see in relationships for men, is that they are eager to jump in and try to solve problems (which is a laudable goal) before gathering enough information to know how to solve it (which is a really, really bad way to go about getting that problem solved). When a wife says, "We need therapy," I'll usually tell men that there's nothing to argue about. Go! :)

But beyond that (because, in your case, that's water over the bridge), when a wife says, "let's go to therapy," it's sign that she wants to talk, to process, to explore the relationship, and, yes, to have you change some aspect of your behavior that she feels is not contributing to her happiness.

That's where the information gathering (as I say in the book: Know Your Wife) begins. She's been telling you that you're not listening.

She said she'll leave. NOW you're listening!

I agree with Elizacol when she said that you have to keep your ears open. Frequently, men in this situation will feel compelled to jump in with explanations or defensiveness. Not a good idea. Listen, really make sure you understand.

There's too much at stake for you to not get this right. When you show that you're ready to listen, and ready to show a willingness to see her perspective (according to studies, 85% if the marriages will succeed if the husband is open to the wife's influence) that will go a long way.

Most wives want to know that you are making them their #1 priority. Have you? Are you?

If she's not having an affair, (and if you're substance free and faithful) then there's still time to get it right. I don't know if you can stop her from moving out. In my experience, even such middling moves are extremely difficult for children.

S.H.

Please remember: THE SITE DOES NOT PROVIDE MEDICAL ADVICE. The information about relationship, emotional, psychiatric, psychological disorders and treatments diseases contained on this website or through e-mail correspondence is general in nature and is intended for use as an educational and reference. NOTHING CONTAINED IN THE SERVICE IS INTENDED TO BE FOR MEDICAL DIAGNOSIS OR TREATMENT
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thanks Scott

Postby dr.mcg » Thu Nov 02, 2006 4:12 pm

we are both faithful and still enjoy intimacy with each other, she calls it a basic human need and I say we are sharing our greatest gifts (our bodies). She asked how could I not know from the hostility she showed when she was upset with somehting I had done...I chalked it up to stress, lack of rest, diet, etc...each time she was mad at me.

She is having an emotional affair and says that she has to get her emotional support from somewhere. I am guessing it is a matter of time that it turns physical though if we separate, until divorce, I am requesting that we remain faithful. I believe she will honor this request.

I am trying to listen as best I can and be supportive without malice and discontent but it is hard. Last night she said that she is struggling to know if she still loves me or not. I remind her of the kids and everything we have worked for...we have worked hard on everything but our relationship and now I know it is time for that...I have taken the steps to show her I want it to work by seeking counsel individually and giving her articles like Waites...every day when I get home, I do not have any idea of what to expect. She does not seem to be in any great hurry to get out the door and she told the person that she will rent from that it will not be this weekend as originally planned. we share the same bed, had great intimacy last night, though affectionless and we give each other hugs and kisses in the am...
dr.mcg
 
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NP

Postby Scott Haltzman » Fri Nov 03, 2006 9:24 am

dr.mcg wrote:
I am trying to listen as best I can and be supportive without malice and discontent but it is hard. Last night she said that she is struggling to know if she still loves me or not. I remind her of the kids and everything we have worked for...


Remember Doc,
When she says she is struggling, your job is to listen. When you shift into reminding her of... (as if she didn't know) she may feel like you're trying to pressure her, or shift away from listening to her.

Maybe you shouldn't wait for the library to get my book back for you to take it out...you might have to get a copy, pronto!

Keep on fighting!

Please remember: THE SITE DOES NOT PROVIDE MEDICAL ADVICE. The information about relationship, emotional, psychiatric, psychological disorders and treatments diseases contained on this website or through e-mail correspondence is general in nature and is intended for use as an educational and reference. NOTHING CONTAINED IN THE SERVICE IS INTENDED TO BE FOR MEDICAL DIAGNOSIS OR TREATMENT
Scott Haltzman
 
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Location: Barrington, RI

As the name implies

Postby marriedwithroomate » Wed Sep 05, 2007 9:23 pm

Yes, I am sitting here in a two bedroom apartment with someone who isn't my wife. I have been living with my roomie (male) for about a month now after I moved out. (she wanted the seperation, not me) This has been a very difficult journey for me but now it is getting easier because I know this is a journey for her and us as well. I try not to think about things so much and try to keep a positive outlook on things. At first she refused to talk and I did all of the wrong things in trying to salvage our relationship. If I would have handled it better I wouldn't be typing this message in a small bedroom crowded with a small portion of my belongings.

I have had a lot of time to sit and think if I even wanted the marriage to work. It was my decision to leave because things had gotten so bad at the house. I wanted to be there but she was shutting me out and generally not being a very nice person to me. I was at least trying.

Recently on a family outting (we have a 4 yr old and schedule time to spend w/ the family) (my wife and I haven't talked about the relationship for at least a month) we started talking and actully had a good talk and I am hopeful that our marriage can still be salvaged. She said that she wanted this marriage to work and it seems as if she is coming around. She said at first that she didn't want to try because it was work and if it wasn't going to be easy she wanted nothing to do with it. I am hopeful that she is turning a corner. We have scheduled anothr time to talk, something she wasn't willing to do a month ago. If fact she told me she was done w/ the marriage a month ago and now she is at least willing to hear me out and listen to what I have to say. I know not what to do when talking to her but what do I do besides listen to her feelings with out blame or lash out her if she says something that I don't want to hear. I plan on setting it up so it is a nice dinner that she would definately know I went out of my way to make it special for her, a couple of flowers to the restaurant, reservations even though it is going to be difficult and I am going to have to brive the manager but whatever it takes.

I want her back and right now I know I need to be patient and listen to her when she speaks but is there anything else that I can do that could possibly win her over or get the pendulum to swing back in my direction. I truly miss her and I think she is missing me too but I wouldn't tell her that. Any comments or suggestions from anyone would be appreciated? Still very confused in Ohio.
marriedwithroomate
 
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Postby elizacol » Wed Oct 17, 2007 1:47 pm

I read your post about a month ago, but didn't have time to reply.

Just wanted you to know that I hope things have improved.

You asked what else you could do?

Time, and consistency in your actions.

Not sure what led you to this point, but you need to evaluate what did and take steps to change. That is where the consistency comes in.
elizacol
 
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Did we miss something here?

Postby rogersje » Wed Oct 24, 2007 5:31 am

The doc mentioned depresssion. In my experience, if a spouse, or medical practioner, suspects depression, it is important to really deal with this aspect. You cannot come to the table doing your best to and with each other until you fix yourself first. The doc may have had his issues, but his original email suggested that his wife had some things to work on too.

Scott, if you are still follow this one, could you add your thoughts about each spouse doing self work in order to be the best person they can before or while they are working on their marriage?
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