Verbally Abusive Wife

Verbally Abusive Wife

Postby kylewitherspoon » Wed Oct 24, 2012 4:00 am

I've been with my wife 15 years and we have 2 toddlers. When we met I had a low self esteem. She's a feisty red-head and that attracted me. She was always short with me and demanding, but because of my esteem issues, I guess I let them slide (Plus, I was madly in love with her)
I got MS about 7 years ago, and I'm on permanent disability. She is also on disability for other issue that are unrelated, but I married her knowing this.
It sounds sad, right? Well, I'm a pretty good investor, and I had a 6 figure job for quite a few years, so financially, we are fine. So that isn't the issue.
She NEVER liked sex. She just did it because I wanted it. And she was never too thrilled anyway, (although she let me know that she USED to like it with an ex-bf of hers) We've been to Europe together, and we have many of the same interests.But she has this happen of belittling me and bossing me whenever she feels like it. It's been a lot more lately. When we had children, my life changed. I LOVE my son and daughter. I spend all day with them and I home school them.
I wash and fold the laundry every day, I vacuum, I do the dishes, I clean up after the kids. Yet she calls me lazy and I'm good for nothing.

I ask her for sex usually once a week. I get eye rolls, complaining, and even all out cursing me out while I'm "doing" it. She'll look at her watch, then she'l push me off when we're finished and say things like "Get off me, you disgust me"...or "now clean the table..I don't want to ask you again"
I'm 6 ' 0", 190 lbs and I'm 42. I'm not Fabio but I've never considered myself unattractive.
About a year ago, it seemed like we were drifting apart more.

I'm a normally happy, positive person. I'm an extrovert, I make friends easily, and when i go somewhere, people usually dig my humor, and I always leave vacation with friends. We have friends all over the world because of that. (She's an extrovert too, so we're partners n the friend making department)

My morning ritual has been since we met, was to kiss her, hug her and make her coffee and ask about her dreams. Lately (past 3 years or so)She's USUALLY cold to me. She won't even draw near me when I kiss her, and when I hug her it's like hugging a rag doll. She will sometimes have a puss on her face. If I ask what's wrong, she'll lash out, blame me for something) like I forgot to put out the second recycle can. That's how the day starts.

Now, I was used to it when Aunt Flow came to visit, but it's more common. If I aks her for sex, she'll say "Clean the garage, and 'I'll think about it". If I clean the garage, she'll say "Sure, you only did it because you want sex"..then she'll wait 5 or 6 hours till SHE'S ready, then she'll complain, or hurry me from where I'm at, tell me I'm lucky I'm getting it at all. Then she'll tell me to hurry up! She'll push me of, then she'll start complaining about how I didn't wipe the sink last Thursday when I finished shaving. I'll ask "Why didn'y you tell me"?" She'l go, "I'm not your friggin mother....After you get your fat ass off of me, clean the counter, you left something on it and take your daughter out for 2 hours tomorrow before you drive her to dance school..I need time alone"

That was an actual conversation! Actually, that conversation happens quite often...I feel myself thanking her for having sex with me, and she'll say nothing.
About 8 months ago, she was criticizing me about EVERYTHING..and I couldn't take it I yelled....louder than she did!
She said "Oh, you messed up"
She gave me the cold shoulder for about a week, then she'd be nice to me.for a whole week...we have a great week..well, she belittles me less. So I forget the incident. Then I wake up, and she shuts off my alarm so I don't get up and takes the kids shopping. She'll come home and say "What have you done all day!"

More reason to justify her anger. She'll criticize me through out the day, and then I'll blow after the 7th or 8th time, so she took off for 2 weeks with the kids to MY cousin's house. She left me with NO car! When my cousin picked me up 2 weeks later (he lives 100 miles away), she already go to him. No matter what i said, she was right and I was wrong. We went to counseling, but she already saw him 3 times before I got there, he was definitely on her side.

He said the explosive anger was wrong. He was right.It was wrong! But I don't just yell for no he said I should go to anger management.

I disagreed. We cam eback and things wer efine..for about 2 weeks..we made a list ..HIS needs, HER needs...I had 4 things..she had 11. Mine were 1 more sex, 2 sex without complaining, 3 stop criticizing, and 4 stop belittling me.
Here were 1. clean more 2 do more chores, 3 spend more time with kids, 4 stop complaining, 5 fix sleep schedule 6 don't procrastinate 7 no drama 8 keep your word plus a coupl eof others

By keeping my word, she meant that if she told me to clean the basement, and I agreed, and I didn't, that was cause for her not to have sex with me or something like that.

Well, I upheld my part of the treaty, she didn't really uphold hers, sure we went back to sex once a week, for 3 weeks, and when sh complained she said my timing was wrong and she needs 2 days notice! I can't ask her that day and expect it that day. She need to mentally prepare. I told her if I ask her on Tuesday I might not be n the mood on Thursday, she says "Yeah you will"..discussion over.

Then about a week later after a day of berating me allmoet 3 hours straight (she didn't like anything I did, I was breathing her air, etc) I was so depressed, I wanted to cry..that I went to sleep for 10 1 PM! Around 9 PM that night, the kids were jumping on the bed..I asked her if she would make them stop..she ignored me....they kept jumping..I was so sad and upset, I yelled "Both of you get off me!"

Well, my daughter understandably cried and my wife called the cops! They came to our house, she made a statement and now she's told everyone in my family, that I was yelling like I usually do that she had to call the cops to settle me down. My family is against me, her narcisssistic mother is definitely MORE against me. She'' told her girlfriends (who's husbands are MY friends....she's also been going to Alanon twice a week to learn how to change how she reacts.I told her I didn't want her to go.(we share the same phone often) so i read her texts, she's talking about me!! I asked her for sex after waiting a month about 2 days ago, and because she was so upset about how I raised my voice, she didn't trust me, and she got angry, and mocked me...of course I yelled, again. The next morning after she shut off the alarm again, I checked her email which I've never done. She was bitching about me to our mutual male friend! She was saying stuff like "I can't wait until he's out of the house..I need peace for once"..I confronted her....bad move. Now she told all her friends what I did ("snooping on her email") , and she said because I did that I won't get sex until next June 2013..and she means it to. She said we'l just be roomates until I visit my friend in 3 weeks. I told her that she went behind my back, and gossiped, so she slammed the bedroom door in my face, and had the cell phone ready to call the police for harassing her. If I didn't stop asking her to come out, she would call the neighbor to physically remove me!

I am worried about our children. They've been witnessing this stuff everyday. They're watching a hen-pecked dad being manipulated by his wife. She will belittle me under her breath and then I yell.....not a good picture.
I have no idea what to do.
She has so many people in her corner. She does meals on wheels, she is a charmer. Then she comes home to me, and the whole house gets a horrible vibe. I almost wanted to puke when she came in the house. She walks in and says "Get the groceries out of the car, because I just when shopping for YOUR children.

I feel like a woos and a loser. I have been depressed and sad, that I don't want to do anything. I'm an avid reader (NON-FICTION) I can read a book in 2 days (even with toddlers!) but I haven't read a book in a month.) I can't focus. I have trouble sleeping. I asked her if we could watch a movie together and she aid no,she looks forward to her alone time. I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave my kids. We don't have really close friends here (and the ones we did think I'm a raving wife beater), so I have nowhere to go. We only have one car for now, so if I leave, she's carless. I won't do to her what she did to me, plus she'll have the kids. I can't go to my mom's..she won't understand.

I can't sleep. I sleep only 5 hours, and if I sleep to late, she'll call me lazy and going against the treaty (she holds that over my head like a rigid ruler)
I'm afraid to sleep 1 minute over our agreed time because there will be hell to pay (there will be hell even if I wake up 30 minutes early..just a different kind of hell)

This morning I woke up after 4 hours (I had nightmares and I couldn't sleep) and she wanted me to watch our son for 4 hours while she went to an Alanon meeting (this was because we argues again about something..I have no idea about what..they all blend together...her reminding me about how I messed up something last month, and my own family knows I'm a f*** defending myself, her slamming the bedroom door shut, me banging on the door, our kids crying, and her threatening to call the cops again.
She always wins. Whether or not I did something deserving her anger, the same game.
I have to stop defending myself. That's the problem. I shouldn't respond...but it's so hard. It's always either first thing in the morning after 4 hours of interrupted sleep before my coffee or in the evening. after she's had it "up to here with me" I'm her child.

Oh, it's during the day too. And If I try to go somewhere else, to get away, she'll say I'm neglecting my duties and just playing on the computer. (I've been doing mindless browsing recently)

I don't know what to can I fix this with the least affect on my kids.

Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Oct 24, 2012 2:31 am

Re: Verbally Abusive Wife

Postby ThunderHorse » Sat Nov 10, 2012 3:17 pm

Suzette Elgin, YOU CAN'T SAY THAT TO ME.

Here is a link to a thread on listening to your partner, to which i just today added some of my prior posts on communication.

Posts: 636
Joined: Mon Jul 31, 2006 6:10 pm

Re: Verbally Abusive Wife

Postby ThunderHorse » Sat Nov 10, 2012 3:33 pm

Here is another Thread in Communication in which handling criticism from a spouse is discussed

Posts: 636
Joined: Mon Jul 31, 2006 6:10 pm

Return to Making Your Spouse Happy

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 12 guests