my wife hates me

[spleeknuckle]

There is no way to tell this story without sounding like a complete pig. It's long and convoluted, but please try to follow. I'm at my wits end and there needs to be a change.

I'm married and I love my wife with all my heart. I met her and fell in love with her while married to another woman. I left my now ex-wife to be with her. About two weeks after I moved out. I went back to my ex-wife and slept with her. I was second guessing myself and went to my girlfriend to end it. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I had just slept with my ex so I told her the next easiest thing which was true, but not relevant. I used the guilt I felt over leaving my year and a half old son as an excuse to end things with her. She asked me to come back and I did. I loved her. I made a decision then that I would never be with anyone else. However, in spite of the fact that I now had the woman of my dreams (she really is). I couldn't hurt her and tell her the truth. I hid the fact that I was unfaithful for a long time. I lied about it when directly confronted with it. Eventually, my ex-wife forwarded her some emails between us that outed the whole thing. They were truly vial and disgusting emails. Still, She knew I was remorseful and she loved me. We decided to try to work it out.

After a lot of ups and downs, I felt we were over the past and I proposed to her. We had been through it and it had been 3 years. She accepted and things were great. I lived with her at the time, but also owned a home from my previous marriage. For a long time she was dead set against moving into that house, but eventually decided that that is exactly what she wanted to do. We decided that after the wedding we would renovate the house and move in. That's when it all went down hill.

My wife is never happy. She doesn't trust a thing I say. She questions everything I do. She lives in a constant reminder of a past life. She told me yesterday that she hates me and the only reason she isn't leaving is so her son can keep his health insurance and she doesn't have to take away the only father figure he has. She can't look me in the eye. She despises everything about me. She thinks I never defend her. She told me that I think she's worthless and if I respected her at all then I would have never done those terrible things to her. She often tells me that she hates me. I've been trying so hard to prove that I'll never hurt her again, but I'm tainted. Everything I touch is tainted. Everything she loved about our relationship is based on a lie in her mind. When I try to do something nice for her she thinks it's only to get in her pants or to brush the evil things I've done to her under the rug. She has me convinced that I'm a bad person. Little things will set her off. If I take too long picking up my son. If I don't say the right thing it will lead to two days of shit. If I don't react in the same way she would to a situation she jumps right to "you never stick up for me". I don't mean to talk bad about her, this is, after all, my fault. But I get so frustrated and often times feel like a dancing monkey trying to make her smile and it never works.

When things are good (which they were for a long time before the wedding) she is honestly the best person I've ever had the honor to be around. When things are bad she cuts me deep. We've been together for about 4 years. I f*cked up at the beginning of it and have been trying to make up for it since. Things were fantastic for a very long time. We've been married for 5 months. In the past 3, everything has fallen apart.

She doesn't want to be with me. She doesn't even like me. She hates me and resents me, my son, my family and others. But she DOES love me (she may not admit it right now but she does). She thinks that the second she lets me back into her heart that I will hurt her again and there's nothing I can do to make her believe that that is not true. I need to prove to her that i'm not the evil monster she thinks I am.

I can't blame her for how she feels, but I can't be punished for it anymore. I can't live any longer waiting for the bottom to drop out. I can't wait any longer for the next thing that sets her off. I can no longer live being the source of misery to someone I should be a source of comfort and strength for.

Please help

[ThunderHorse]

My Wife is super Critical thread, Communication Section


http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpBB3/viewtopic.php?f=9&t=385

Ther is a plan, for when a spouse goes off, it is called the Boring Baroque Respnse, Suzette Elgin

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[bbotelho94]

I think it may be over between you and your wife. You need to either have a heart to heart talk or visit a therapist. Something about the past may have sparked her and made her rethink ever getting back with you! You may need to talk to her and see if she can explain everything she is feeling good and bad. Find out what makes her happy and prove to her she is the ONLY one for you, tell your wife constantly over and over again why you married such a wonderful women, then ask her why she married you. It may seem upsetting and difficult at first but as you find out what makes her tick it may help a little. Ask you wife why she fell inlove with you in the first place, try to reminisce on the good times and what fun you two used to have. Maybe relive your first date show her you care and would go to the moon and back for her. Relationships arent easy. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now, we definetly have had our ups and downs but we both got through it because at the end of the day we really only want eachother and only want to be with eachother for the rest of our lives. hope this helps...

[wuluzayonsoe]

Your wife hate you, there must be a certain reason that your wife much hate you. First of all, you need to study her for a few days or month in order to understand what is really going on with her if you think that you never did her harm. After the few days or month that you study her, than you should be able to understand what is going wrong with her. If not, than you should ask her that what you really did to her that makes her to hate you. If there is no explanation still for what reason she hates you, than I will advise that you should try to find means to make her happy. for instance, during your day off if there is a trash in the house, try to take the trash out without waiting for her, or if there is a laundry, make show that you do them on time. Again, take her out most of the time whenever you have a weekend off. For example, like movies, historical places like the Indian museum in Connecticut or take her out to one of these best restaurants in town like the Chess Cake Factory, the Japanese or European restaurant.
Another thing that I can advise you on is that you need to find a church for you people to join, I think when she start going to church with you, from there, she might change. Or if the word of God gets to her, there will be a possibility that she forgive you. But if she start going to church with you and still hate you, then ask your pastor so that you people can seek counseling in other to fix the problem. When that don't still working, then I think that she is suffering from stress, where events are perceived as exceeding your ability to cope with them, you experience an unpleasant emotional and physical state. Stress is a sickness that deal with your brain, it can get anyone confuse at all time, most especially women, they Aare quick to stress out. When you are around women, you need to be patient, because any little thing can get them confuse. If your wife is dealing with stress, than you need to give her enough time to relax. The relaxing period could be a month or a year to deal with it.

[spleeknuckle]

Thank you all. It means a lot to me. We've been ok for the past few days, but I fear it's only a matter of time before the bottom drops out again. We had a long talk a couple of days ago. ugh. I love her. thanks again guys

[tennis53]

You are In a very difficult position. You say that you cheated on your current wife with your ex-wife before you remarried. That in itself is not as uncommon as you think. You also say that you hid this situation from your current wife for quite some time and the brief fling was brought to her attention by your ex-wife. She shared very graphic emails which made the disclosure even more painful. The relationship that you had with your second wife was wonderful until this all came out into the open, then rapidly deteriorated. Added to this emotional situation is the fact that you now reside in the home aquired from the first marriage, where she lives with reminders all around her of the past relationship that you had. It appears that you are more than willing to do whatever possible to heal this relationship. In his book "Secrets of Happily Married Men" Dr. Haltzman says that it is important for you to learn to listen to what she has to say in a way that shows that she has your undivided attention. In the situation that you find yourself in, it is more important than ever that you spend time having conversations about how she feels. One conversation will not be enough. You have to be willing to participate in a long process for this to heal. I would also suggest that a marriage councilor would be appropriate here as having an outside listener can often help couples through these intense situations.

[spleeknuckle]

You are In a very difficult position. You say that you cheated on your current wife with your ex-wife before you remarried. That in itself is not as uncommon as you think. You also say that you hid this situation from your current wife for quite some time and the brief fling was brought to her attention by your ex-wife. She shared very graphic emails which made the disclosure even more painful. The relationship that you had with your second wife was wonderful until this all came out into the open, then rapidly deteriorated. Added to this emotional situation is the fact that you now reside in the home aquired from the first marriage, where she lives with reminders all around her of the past relationship that you had. It appears that you are more than willing to do whatever possible to heal this relationship. In his book "Secrets of Happily Married Men" Dr. Haltzman says that it is important for you to learn to listen to what she has to say in a way that shows that she has your undivided attention. In the situation that you find yourself in, it is more important than ever that you spend time having conversations about how she feels. One conversation will not be enough. You have to be willing to participate in a long process for this to heal. I would also suggest that a marriage councilor would be appropriate here as having an outside listener can often help couples through these intense situations.

That right there. that sums it all up

[ThunderHorse]

See a Thread under Communication, "Listening Strategies for men"



http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpBB3/viewtopic.php?f=9&t=609

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[RedRider72577]

Your post is all too familiar. I am interested in the progress you have made. I know how it feels to be a "dancing monkey".

[RedRider72577]

Added to this emotional situation is the fact that you now reside in the home aquired from the first marriage, where she lives with reminders all around her of the past relationship that you had.

I think this thread is dead. Hopefully things have worked out for you and your bride. I did have an idea. I can't believe it wasn't posted before. Hopefully it's not too late. If the problem still persists though, maybe the house could be sold. A fresh start in a home that is yours together may alleviate the stress caused by the home. It won't address all your concerns, but it is a step in the right direction.

Good Luck!