Anniversary

Anniversary

Postby RedRider72577 » Tue Jul 16, 2013 9:50 am

My anniversary is fast approaching. My wife and I have been married for 8 years. Presently we are more like housemates than a married couple. There is no comunication, intimacy, etc. I have worked individually with a counselor locally for quite sometime. My wife will not go to counseling. Everything I tried to help our relationship has failed. The mere fact that I go to counseling angers my wife. I am obviously very unhappy. At this time my counselor is focusing on seeking happiness independent from my wife. I remain committed to my marriage and family. I have two children whom I would endure anything for.

In the past I have done everything for our anniversary. A Diamond ring. Trips. Flowers. She appreciates none of it. In the past my efforts at celebrating our anniversary have actually caused more strain in our marriage. I have been advised to ingore our anniversary this year. I would appreciate any thoughts you may have on the advisability of this approach. Thank you.
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Re: Anniversary

Postby Scott Haltzman » Thu Jul 18, 2013 5:31 pm

Hi RedRider,
It's tempting to just forget the whole thing, because you feel forgotten. But it's never a good idea to do nothing for a special occasion. For the same price as a diamond ring (less actually) you could by a marriage education weekend for both of you. And, if she decides not to go, then you could go yourself (since you spent the money). If not, then a bouquet of flowers would do nicely.
Just one guy's (and by no means that of a psychiatrist) opinion.

good luck,
Scott
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Re: Anniversary

Postby ThunderHorse » Sat Jul 20, 2013 6:58 am

Dear Red Rider,

Maybe try to fit in with what your wife wants to do for your anniversary. Maybe just a card, and have your children sign the card, and give the card to her.

It sounds like you are expecting certain things in your marriage, that your wife has different ideas. How can you better fit into your wife's ideas? There is a book, something the Five Expressions of Love, that describes different ways to express love.

If your wife comes home at night, and takes care of the children, there is something to appreciate in your marriage. Maybe it is not everything you want, but maybe you can adjust your expectations so you can find things to appreciate in your wife.

Are you letting your wife discharge her ideas, 15 minutes per day? What mistakes have you made, cutting your wife off? I, myself, could sometimes ask more questions about my wife' family, or her doctor's visits, to encourage her to talk longer.

Since you are in counseling, it seems you are making an effort to find happiness in your marriage. But maybe you are spending too much effort to change your wife, rather than appreciating her the way she is.

//
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Re: Anniversary

Postby ThunderHorse » Sat Jul 20, 2013 3:22 pm

To Red Rider:

Apparently, you feel you are a failure, in your marriage, because your wife has complained about your efforts to have a happy marriage.

Some wives complain more than others. Some husbands are more sensitive, than other husband, to the complaints of their wife.

An important key to the actual satisfaction of the wife with her marriage, is to examine whether she feels comfortable venting her frustrations to her husband. Since your wife tells you her complaints about your anniversary celebration efforts, your wife also probably feels comfortable confiding other complaints about you, and the marriage.

Many husbands think that if their wife talks about her complaints, that the complaints of the wife indicate problems with the marriage. It is possible, that your wife is just one of those women who likes to complain more than others. But the actual value of the marriage, to the wife, cannot be evaluated by the amount of complaining from the wife, or the degree of sensitivity about those complaints, for the husband.

Maybe your wife does not want to go to counseling, because she would like more compliments from you. There is a thread under Communications, entitled, "Compliments for Wives" Also "Listening Strategies for Men" I would suggest finding more ways to compliment your wife, and share your ideas on the Compliments thread.

It seems that your wife is probably aware of your consternation, about trying to have the marriage fit more into your ideal of a marriage. Revealing discomfort with your wife's complaining, can serve as a reward for the continuation of that approach. The "Boring Baroque Response" described by Suzette Elgin, is an important answer to excessive, or exaggerated complaining. See the thread under Communications, "My Wife is Super Critical, Please Help."



//
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Re: Anniversary

Postby RedRider72577 » Thu Oct 03, 2013 11:28 am

***UPDATE*** I didn't ignore our anniversary, nor did I go out of my way to attempt to make it special. I simply asked her that since our anniversary was approaching was there anything special she would like? She could have cared less! I'm happy with my solution. I don't have to carry any guilt for not recognizing our anniversary. Nor am I beating my head against the wall for trying to do something special that she could care less about. In the short term it solved the problem. However, the underlying problems still exist. BTW my anniversary is August 18 if anyone wants to go to dinner next year!?!?
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