Female advice needed desperately.

[SimonAbs]

To make a long story short …

We have been married for 9 years.
We have had more then one separation over the same issues.
I have trust issues and she has issues displaying affection, so they play off each other.
She had 2 children before we met and married, My fatherly skills are almost nonexistent and her communication skills are horrible.

We have been in counseling for the past year working on all our issues.

On my way to pick her up over a week ago I got an email saying, don’t bother coming to get me I’m not going to counseling and I’m not coming home with you. It’s over and I’m not willing to try anymore.

I haven’t seen her since … She has avoided making contact with me ever since, she has also been completely ignoring any of our friends and family who were rooting for us.

According to one of her friends, she is looking forward to getting out on her own and the only way I am going to survive is forget I ever knew her.

I am not an alcoholic, I am not a drug addict, I am not a gambler, nor a cheater nor a beater. I have an excellent career, I make a good living and I am an aspiring model on the side.

When I married I married for life … other then wait and continue crying on her sisters shoulder, what can I do … I just want to get her back to the counselor so we can continue to work on our marriage.

I have already made arrangements with the children's father to continue to take part in their life's and to continue counseling.

Any and all advice appreciated.

[oldbeauty]

It sounds like your wife found someone else.

[WomansPntofView]

Dear SimonAbs,
Well, let me first say that i am so sorry for you. It must feel terrible to be pretty much deserted by your spouse. I'd like to add that i completely agree with you when you stated, "When I married I married for life …"marriage is a life time commitment which she agree to stand by you no matter what. Besides the fact that 9 years is a long time to just throw away. Therefore, i admire you for seeking help and going to a councilor and even posting to this site. What i don't exactly understand is why your wife just up and left. Did the two of you get into some kind of altercation?
You stated that you and your wife do not communicate well. In my Psychology course, the professor informed us that poor communication only conveys more negative messages, miscommunications, and leaves your partner unaware that there was a miscommunication. Inadequate communication is the most common problem in marriages, and a major cause of breakups. Therefore, you should not feel completely alone, there are many people in the same boat as you. I would also like to point of that you made it clear that you are not trying to move on, but to reconnect with your wife no? There is a "triangle of love theory" that i think may help you. The three factors in this theory are, intimacy, passion, and commitment. If you feel close with your partner, and can share your thoughts and feelings then you have the intimacy component. However, if you don't think you have it right now but are willing to work on this i would certainly not give up! Secondly, passion is equally as important. When you feel strong intense feelings for your significant other, and have a strong sexual desire to them, you have passion. Lastly, the commitment factor which is pretty clear. If you know that you would never leave your partner, and you are willing to stick it out through the hard times (like you seem to be doing now) you are truly committed to your partner. Really think about those three factors. If you still strongly feel all three of those, then by all means try to repair what is left of you marriage. Once you thought about this and you finally talk yo your wife ask her if she feels those factors.
To be completely honest, i would not jump to the conclusion that your wife has found someone else. As a woman, i know that it feels good to be independent, and not reliant on a ma. If your man is always doing everything for you it gets sickening. Although, i am not your wife, i don't know her or how she feels. If i were you, and if you love her, let her know, give her what she needs, whether it be space or more time together.

[Faith4Lyfe]

Let me first start out by saying that what you are dealing with cannot be easy. And my heart goes out to you, because it is hard to be rejected by a loved one, especially someone you have invested so much time into! It sounds to me that there were some serious communication issues, that went unspoken and unnoticed for a long time, which resulted in this. Counseling can be difficult in this type of situation, because think about it this way, if your spouse wont open up to just you, why would they open up to another stranger? I am in no way saying that counseling is not a good resource, but it is not always the most effective.
As I read your post, It reminded me of some things that my professor has taught me this year, in a psychology course I'm taking. She talked a lot about what a man looks for in a woman and what a woman looks for in a man. It's said that a man looks for the physical traits and the youthfulness, whereas women look for money and success, and looks are a bonus. In this case it seems to me that though you are a good man, and you are a stable, and smart man, she isn't looking for that. It is great that you have a job, and that you don't drink, gamble, or do drugs...It is very rare to find that today. But as I say this, I say it because relationships are two way streets, where each person has to put in 110% every day, no matter what is going on.
I can't explain why this happened and I cannot tell you why you had to experience this, but I can tell you to not give up. There are many ways to fixing problems, and marriage is something worth fixing!!!! My advice to you is to first off, give her a little time to cool off, because you may not know what is going on with her right now, emotionally and mentally, she could be dealing with some serious stuff. Then after a little while try to call her. If that doesn't work, I say that you should write her a letter. But don't write it out of emotion, write it out of heart. The difference in that is looking beyond what you're feeling about being wronged and writing down the true words from your heart. We tend to say hurtful things when we are angry or hurt, so make sure to be clear headed and calm while doing so. My last bit of advice would be to have a friend, of both of yours, go talk to her. Someone you are both familiar with, not a stranger, and have them just talk to that person, so someone can hear what they are saying. Sometimes it does take that third party to help out, but it also depends on who the third party is.
Good luck!!!

[ampanda3]

so she humors you and goes to couples counceling and wants to make things work. Sounds like everything is coming along and your hopes are being restored that things may a tually work out. Although she has children with a previous relationship, you do admit that your fatherly instinct are non existant. why do you say this? Your wife seemed to be sheltering her real feelings possibly and there is no doubt that you were and are in love with her.

Dr. Misuirski has said that communication is a very important ingredient may i say to a successful relationship. It sounds like your partner was keeping how she really felt from herself and maybe trying to shield you from the pain she was going to cause when you finally realized it was no longer going to work. She seemed to have sent signals many times about not wanting to be in the relationship anymore. You may have been blinded by your feeling to truely step back and think about her uncontrolable feelings for being unhappy. You are very hurt by her actions yes, but would you rather it be over of have her spend the rest of her life unhappy just to make yourself happy.

There are probably many things that you and your wife could have done differently. Unfortuanately it seems like she chose the cowardly way out and just bailed instead of communicating with you what she really wanted and that was that. Instead she left the wound open by the unknown. You may have not given the situation enough thought in how things were truely not working out. You could try talking to her or maybe sending her a letter on how you may have communicated better. This may help with your closure.

Unfortunately things are most likely over from the sounds of it. I am sorry for the way you have been treated and i do hope you find some closure in the facts that you were trying..maybe not to her standards but you made an attempt and that about all you can do at this point. She left while trying to but gave up easily and if she did not want to try for the relationship she could have made that more clearer to you so there was no misunderstandings about what she truely wanted which was to be out of the relationship. Her actions showed her immaturity and maybe these reasons are why her first marriage never worked out. I wish you luck and hope the sun will shine again for you someday. Take care. AP