Wife is Angry at attempts to please

[Nathan]

Hi all. I am new to this forum and would like some imput. I recently (about 1 week ago) discovered that my wife was not happy in our marriage and wanted to separate. Like others that have shared, she indicated that she had tried to tell me this several times but of course I did not listen. I bought the "Secrets of happily Married men" book and started reading. I found it very insightful, almost like the owner's manual for marriage. I immediately began implementing the suggestions. I have taken a more active role in child care, housework, and aiming to please (flowers, letters, making a music CD of songs describing how I feel)

Today she e-mailed me and said everything I have been doing for her is nice, but it hurts her and makes her angry-angry that I did not do this stuff before. She says that she does not believe someone can change so drastically and does not trust that I will continue to do these things. She also indicated that she is angry because she tried to discuss this stuff and I would "shoot her down" On the mitigating side I am still in the home, she has agreed to go to counseling, and says that I am soo cute (yes-so spelled with two "o"s ) she does love me but continues to have these negative feelings about our relationship that will not go away.

Any suggestions on how I should handle this situation? Is this a normal reaction on her part?

By the way, I am 100% committed to saving my marriage. I have been married 5 years and have 2 children (1 is my wife's biological daughter from a previous marriage that I adopted).

[Scott Haltzman]

Hi Nathan,
Thanks for joining the forum. It's not at all unusual for a wife to look askance at changes you're making. She emotially set herself on a new course of "moving on," and it's natural for her to see the changes in you as a tactic to get her back. Remember Charlie Brown and Lucy with the football ever fall. He kept believing that this time Lucy had changed, but when he committed to kicking, she pulled the ball from under his feet. That's what your woman is afraid will happen to her.

Of course you can't prove that this isn't the case until she tests it. So when she says "You'll change back," it's not a good idea to argue. All you can say is, "I understand that you feel that way, and I think I'd feel the same way too." You may want to negociate with her on this issue, along the lines of "My intention is to keep you in mind and make you a priority. If I promise to do this always, I'm setting myself up to fail. But I can promise that if you ever find me slipping, that I will stop and listen to you without arguing, and do everying possible to get myself back on track. Because you're that important to me."

I'm glad you got my book, and that it's helping. Go get 'em!

S.H.

Please remember: THE SITE DOES NOT PROVIDE MEDICAL ADVICE. The information about relationship, emotional, psychiatric, psychological disorders and treatments diseases contained on this website or through e-mail correspondence is general in nature and is intended for use as an educational and reference. NOTHING CONTAINED IN THE SERVICE IS INTENDED TO BE FOR MEDICAL DIAGNOSIS OR TREATMENT

[Nathan]

Thank you for responding Dr. Haltzman. I really appreciate it.

I also wanted to know of suggestions that anyone may have for dealing with the feelings of emotional isolation that I am feeling right now. As we are in the midst of this we of course have stopped having any physical contact (hand holding, kissing, sexual relations). It is very hard to deal with, as it leaves me feeling insecure about the status of our relationship. I know she needs this space and will begin anew when she is ready, but It is still painful for me.

I also worry about smothering her with attempts to please. Should this be a concern?

Thanks

[elizacol]

Speaking as a woman who survived marital issues and lived to tell about it...

I wouldn't smother her with too many attempts to please. Your consistency in this area is far more important than quantity. Just be consistent day in and day out. She will come to see that change IS possible. (I never thought it was, until I, myself, changed).

As for the feelings of lonliness and isolation. Yep, I know how that feels. You just have to wait it out, and bear with the pain. It is what it is right now, and there's little you can do, other than to continue your changes above. You can't control your wife's actions, you can only control your own.

Good luck. I wish you the best in your marriage.

[oldbeauty]

Does she not love you anymore? Or did she ever? If you are giving her what she craved for why is she angry unless she is having an affair and is not really man at you but herself for not being patient and faithful. People who leave relationships that have no physical violence or abuse are usually walking into a new one. You can still win her back but someone is not being honest. It is either you or her.

[TheOptimist]

OK Here's another "method" of relating. 3 MAJOR things.

And Nathan, I'm not saying she's having an affair, but I do know that most affairs are not purely physical... but how "good you feel about yourself" when you are "visiting with" or "working with" or "thinking about" the other person. And that "feeling good when I'm with him/her" is what causes people to get involved with the other person. So use this knowledge.

1) And, ask yourself: When my wife is with me, how does she feel about herself?

Does she feel more confident? More listened to? More Safe? Less Pressured? More relaxed to just be herself? Complimented? Appreciated? More beautiful? More intelligent? More in control of her future? Or do I make her feel dumb, insecure, un-appreciated for dinner, laundry, parenting, earning, etc... and I look at other women when they pass by... making her feel fat, old, ugly, etc. Again, how does she feel about herself, when she's with me? Versus, "how does she feel about herself" when she's with him/her a best friend or favorite sister/mother/aunt. Chances are good she likes that other person's company because she feels better about herself when she is with them. YOU WANT TO BE THAT PERSON that makes her feel great about herslf when she's with YOU!

2) My sister once told me, as often as men think about sex, look at a pair of legs, or a magazine model, THAT'S HOW OFTEN WOMEN NEED RE-ASSURED that they are the dream girl for you! That they can still compete with all that...

Good luck! You are a winner in my book, already, for your efforts and committment!

(sex can wait, masturbate...) But tell her you are screaming out her name when you do it, fantasizing about her, dreaming about her! Longing for the day she can be your real lover and not just the dream lover! But REASSURE her, that you thought of her, got arroused, and couldn't help yourself! She's that hot, to you! And pick your timing, when she's receptive... don't gross her out with frequency numbers or make her feel guilty at all!! (you are doing your best to be patient, but sometimes you think about her and just get too aroused!" and I'm sorry if that grosses you out, or you think me a lesser man, but you are and have been THE woman for me, for a long long time!")

3) Oh, yes, I can't forget. Compliment her to the children! "Did you know you have the best looking mommy in town". Tell her sister/brother, (your sister/brother) her mother, & your mother, her best friends, her co-workers how great she is, and how lucky you are to have her. GET IT? Tell people that will "pass it on to her" that you love her, that you appreciate all that she does. This is a WAY Powerful compliment that adds validity to your "changes". It's a "second party compliment" from you... do NOT overlook this. It will make her feel really good about herself that you are improving her reputation with family, friends & co-workers... tell them how smart she is concerning something... anything.... you get the idea!