Wife wants to move out and I am confused

Wife wants to move out and I am confused

Postby Rick_H » Fri Aug 29, 2008 7:55 am

First time poster and this is just killing me. My wife of 9 years dropped a bomb on me by saying she was moving out so she could strenghten her feelings. She said she doesn't want a divorce and that she still loves me but needs time and counceling so we can communicate better.

Her first marriage was extremely abusive and she was able to take her young daughter and get out before something drastic happened.

I fell in love with her because of her charactor and her caring for others. She always put herself first and never asked for anything in return. Our marriage was never harmful in a any way and we rarely fought. When we married it allowed her to grow and realize that she needed comfort and a sense of well being. As this growth continued she realized because of the past if I was to say no or disagree with something she would just go along and subpress the feeling and not say anthing. She was afraid of confrontation. This continued to eat at her until she decided she needed counceling. She asked me to go and to be honest I said no because the counceling I had received in my previous marriage had turned into a one side slugfest and didn't want to subject myself to that again.

She asked me again a couple months later and I still said no. Because of the abuse in her first marriage she is unable to tell me her feelings and she needed me to be there so I could help and understand. I failed her in that regards and now she needs the space for us to build again.

She has been in counceling for 8 months now and through this she decided she needed to separate herself from myself and our house so she could build her communication skills and identify her needs without interference. She said she wants to build our marriage by living separately and by having family time, and couples time as well as alone time.

She is moving into her own apartment and taking our daughter with her this week. She said she doesn't want a divorce, that she loves me dearly and she has told me repeatedly she every intention to make this work so we can have a solid marriage. She says she will be moving back after we both get the help we need.

I am extremely confused and have taken the steps to get counceling so I can understand and we have also agreed to couples counceling.
What I don't understand and I need help here, is how living apart can strenghten our marriage. I come from the school that if two people love each other as much as they say, and want this marriage to work as we tell each other, that we should stay together and work through this. We still sleep in the same bed and hold each other at night. We go to sleep telling each other how much we love each other. This is all confusing to me. I have explained my feelings to her about the living separate arrangements but her mind is made up and she is not wavering.

I know I am 8 months behind but I am willing to go through what I need to save us. She is my life and I love her dearly. I want her happy and fear free. I want her as my wife and I need to know what steps I should take and if this living apart will work. Has it worked? Will it truely make us stronger if we work hard at it?

I love this woman from the deepest parts of my soul and I am really confused.
Thank you.

Rick _H :(
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Postby elizacol » Mon Sep 01, 2008 12:39 am

I went through something similar with my H. I, too, did not believe that 2 people living apart could strengthen their marriage. Still not sure about that one, but...

You can't control what she does...you can only control your actions/reactions.

Your best bet would be to be as supportive as possible during this period of living separately.

When my H moved out, I 'faked' it (meaning I was dying on the inside, but did not show it!!!). I was as supportive as I could be, letting him know that I accepted his need to figure things out, his need for space, etc. I helped him find a place. I helped him pack food, etc. Basically, I showed him that I valued his happiness, I valued his needs, I loved him enough to let him do what he felt he needed to do.

While he was gone, I remained supportive (had a couple of lapses, I must admit). Happy when he called, etc.

Three weeks later, he came home. Hadn't planned on that (either of us!!!). I think things may have been much different had I reacted negatively, etc.

Good luck. I know how hard it is to go through this. You will come out stronger, having gone through it.
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Postby danmc » Sat Sep 06, 2008 12:13 pm

i am going through that same thing. my wife wanted me to move out so we can strengthen our friendship and our feelings toward each other..i am only 21 and i love my wife with all my heart. i support her in making me move out and by doing that she already knows i support her. yeah it is very hard but i do know one thing you cant let emotions get in the way when building the strength needed to continue the long path of life with the one you love. you have to continue to be strong.

dan
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