she has stopped loving

she has stopped loving

Postby mike » Wed Oct 08, 2008 5:58 pm

I need serious help I know every situation is deep and complex, but in a nut shell I have missed all the clues for a few years my wife is losing our marriage. now she is ready for divorce and I have finally fixed my self esteeme issues and have realized she wants a divorce. how can I get her back from "I've talked till I'm blue in the face" and I just wants this joke of a marriage to end?

please help me
mike
 
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Re: she has stopped loving

Postby ThunderHorse » Mon Oct 20, 2008 1:25 am

mike wrote:I need serious help I know every situation is deep and complex, but in a nut shell I have missed all the clues for a few years my wife is losing our marriage. now she is ready for divorce and I have finally fixed my self esteeme issues and have realized she wants a divorce. how can I get her back from "I've talked till I'm blue in the face" and I just wants this joke of a marriage to end?

please help me



Many marriages end because one spouse believes that the other spouse wil not change.

What has your wife asked you to change? What have you canged? What is difficult to change? What is easy to change, that you have not changed, that you could change now? What soucl you change now, just to show that you are willing to change?

What opportunites do you have to please your wife?

Any ways you could be more considerate to your wife?

Any expectations that you have that couild be revised?

What opportunities do you have to bring pleasure to your wife? How are you trying to expand your capabilities to bring pleasure to your wife?


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Postby mike » Wed Oct 22, 2008 6:20 pm

I've changed the shift I work on I went from nights to days so I could be home more with the family, I've changed the mount of house work I do, I've tried to do more laundry but she yells at me when I do it, then she yells I have not done enough of the laundry.
I've changed my leisure time activites to include her more. I've changed the way I listen and I've changed how I show her I love her, I've read the books "Secrets,,," and "how to improve your mariage without talking about it." And I am implementing as much of those as I can. I've done many of those things and she tells me I'm invading her space and I need to back off.
She tells me I've made these changes "too little too late"
As far as what she has asked me to change is where I will be living once she can support herself and the kids. she has said all these changes are great and one day I'll make a good husband for someone else just not her.
mike
 
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Joined: Wed Oct 08, 2008 5:51 pm
Location: Jeffersonville, Indiana

Postby ThunderHorse » Fri Oct 24, 2008 3:47 am

It sounds like you have made significant changes.

How about Chapter 9 in the Secrets book? Stages of Arousal?

Are there any ways to start with the early stages sooner?

What does she yell at you about the Laundry? What are her particular rules for separating colors, washing delicates? Tempertures for the drier?

One trick is putting silk stockings or nylons into a pillow case, and then hankng the nylons tor dry, without puttinghte nylons in the drier. I hang up bras to dry. I set the drier on partly damp, and pull outher panties, half dry and hang them to dry. I am careful about Whites noly for bleach.

I would not focus too much on her words she is going to leave. Maybe she will. I can't control that. I just try to be pleasant. "Well sometimes things don't work out" was my last response to my wife, when she threatened to leave. She said "WHAT!?" like she had expected a fear or begging response from me.



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Postby mike » Fri Oct 24, 2008 3:55 pm

She yels about the laundry because she goes back through and resorts it. I am red/green color blind with teh dreaded blue black added issue.


Last week I put my questions in writing for her because the conversations seem to go down the memory hole for us both. I address concerns about my behavior and what our marriage means to me and how we could resolve some issues and asked to to respond on a deadline wich is coming quickly. I don't know what I will do if she does not answer.
mike
 
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Joined: Wed Oct 08, 2008 5:51 pm
Location: Jeffersonville, Indiana

Postby ThunderHorse » Fri Oct 24, 2008 6:03 pm

mike wrote:, I've changed the mount of house work I do, I've tried to do more laundry but she yells at me when I do it, then she yells I have not done enough of the laundry.
I've changed ...... and she tells me I'm invading her space and I need to back off.
She tells me I've made these changes "too little too late"
As far as what she has asked me to change is where I will be living once she can support herself and the kids. she has said all these changes are great and one day I'll make a good husband for someone else just not her.


I suggested a calm approach in my previous post. Here's why.

If your wife is abusive to you, and is habitually inconsiderate, then we need to change HER habit of being a serial abuser. Maybe she was justified as retaliating for your being a bad husband, in the past. Either way, Today is today.

Suzette Elgin has many books, one is YOU CAN'T SAY THAT TO ME.

Elgin talks about the motivations of a serial spousal abuser. The main motivational pay-off is to create CONSTERNATION in the victim spouse (you).

If you are feeding into your wife's Abuse habit, by rewartding her with Emotional Turmoil, then you are unintentionally part of the problem.

Consternation can be exhibited by Arguing about some criticism. Upset can be communicated by Retaliating or counter-attacking with faullt finding agaisnt her. If your wife knows she has nailed you, your silence will not cover your facial expression.

Elgin recommends RESPONDING with the Baroque Boring Response, described in her CAN'T SAY book. I intepret her principles into responding with Kindly Gibberish.

"I try to do the wash as you would do it yourself. I try to separate out the colors and the whites. I try to take care of the delicates. I try to put dry-clean-only clothers on a plastic hanger to dry. I try to not put delicates in the Drier. I try to set the drier on Damp and take out the sort-of delicate clothes. I try to only put bleach in with all white clothers. I try to use Cold Power laundry detergent and low temperature settings to save money on the Water Heater. I try to see when we are running low on a type of detergent or bleach. I try to check all the hampers and laundry piles before I start to wash a load. I know you are a whiz at laundry, and my efforts to help probably just make things more difficult for you. You are a real efficient housekeeper. etc."

Throw in some compliments and kindly words. Avoid displaying any fear or anger or sadness. That is a reward for an Abuser. Demonstrate a LACK OF CARING or CONCERN, by just Blabbering about anything in a kindly manner. Elgin says just think of any non-controversial word, in your language, and just let teh words come out, whicl you remain confident that your calm is the right answer.

Your wife will probably turn away in disgust, not having achieved consternation. Certainly her habit wil not die with your first Insane Blithering, but eventually, she will see she is not getting CONSTERNATION or UPSET from you.









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Postby ThunderHorse » Sun Oct 26, 2008 6:49 am

mike wrote:"
As far as what she has asked me to change is where I will be living once she can support herself and the kids. she has said all these changes are great and one day I'll make a good husband for someone else just not her.


If she bring this up, her wanting you to move out, you might try a Boring Baroque Response.

"Certainly some women ask their husbands to leave, and some get divorced. Some children do fine, but the statistics are that children do better with a husband in the home. Certainly it is normal to have mixed feelings, and to sometimes genuinely feel you would like to be divorced. Your love for the children is important part of your life, and your devotion to the children is certainly a bright spot for them. My job is to avoid deserting my family, and try to be as considerate as possible for now."


I would just let things ride, and ignore the deadline. Allow her to express herself, if she has feelings of wanting you to leave, and just give her a kindly babble respsonse, and just disengage from getting overly concerned, or displaying consternation. If she gets a Peace Bond or Stay Away order, then you have to move out. Otherwise just give kindly, complimentary, Gibberish.




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Postby ThunderHorse » Mon Oct 27, 2008 12:42 am

mike wrote:Last week I put my questions in writing for her because the conversations seem to go down the memory hole for us both. I address concerns about my behavior and what our marriage means to me and how we could resolve some issues and asked to to respond on a deadline wich is coming quickly. I don't know what I will do if she does not answer.


Chapter 9 in the husband's Secrets book, describes the early stages of arousing a woman for relations. How are you doing with the early stages? What skills are you developing to release her Endorphins? How are your large muscle massage skills? Do you have any tapes of books on massage?

Sometimes a spouse needs space in a marriage. The INTIMATE ENEMY books describe ways to give each other space, without arousing jealousy. Is ther someplace you could spend the night, that your wife would feel comfortable knowing where you are? Have you established an interrupting pattern? Can you go to the store get a loaf of bread? Can you go for a walk? Can you go to a movie? "Well honey, maybe you need a little space, I'll just run to the super market and see if there are any specials for saving money." Just drive to a scenic parking spot and listen to the radio for a while.

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Postby mike » Tue Oct 28, 2008 4:16 am

I've pretty much thrown chapter 9 out of the window because there has been little to no activity in the bed room since June. there have been "3" courtisies as my therapist puts it but sex in our marriage has gone away.

the closest I have had to my answers is when she told our youngest son that we have not decided on divorce yet.

I don't know what to do now that she is on third shift, I will just have to hope that she will be able to see how I have made changes in my life to fall better in line with all of the books I have read on how to be a better husband and pray that God softens her heart and she changes her veiw of me.
mike
 
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Joined: Wed Oct 08, 2008 5:51 pm
Location: Jeffersonville, Indiana

Postby ThunderHorse » Thu Oct 30, 2008 1:22 am

What happens when you offer to massage her back or neck? Do you know the deeper parts of the Alluvial canal, muscles on each side of hte back bone? Quite a bit to know, nerve locations, etc. Do you have the Eselen massage tape?
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Postby mike » Thu Oct 30, 2008 7:54 pm

my marriage is over, there is nothing that can save it.

she just told me again that it is over I have no choice but to stop trying, thanks for your help.

you dont need to reply I prolly won't be back to this forum again.
mike
 
Posts: 6
Joined: Wed Oct 08, 2008 5:51 pm
Location: Jeffersonville, Indiana

Postby ThunderHorse » Mon Nov 03, 2008 3:36 am

Who all is suporting your wife in her ideas of divorce? What are their motivations? Have you made it clear to her ralitives that you have changed, and are ready to continue to be a giving husband?

How would you desecribe the motivational power structures wih others? Any of her friends giving her bad advice?

Have you checked for boy friends? Bringing an affair to light is painful, but is usually the first step in Surviving and Affair. Search Cheating, or affairs.

Certainly there is a time to stop putting yourself through the ringer, to try to save the marraige, and just accept divorce as inevitable, and make the best of a Divorce. There are some forums that have sections for people going through a divorce. Search Divorce Forum.




,,
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Postby mike » Fri Nov 14, 2008 5:22 am

Well her two best friends are telling her that she should leave me and apparently have for several years.
I have told her and tried to show my changes and she has told me to stop and back off because she won't change her mind or heart. I'm wasting my time pinning my hopes on a small sliver of hope she will see me as husband material again.
As far as a boyfriend goes, she turned to my best friend for emotional support when I was vacant and unaware of how badly I was treating her. Then I found some conversations that were very inappropriate for a married woman to have with a single guy, they both say nothing has ever happened, but some times their closeness seems more.

I have had some time to think about a few things since my last post and I have come to a few conclusions. I will continue to improve weather she wants it or not. She has said this is her time to get what she wants and I am willing to support her in everything she wants except this divorce. She is not willing to make many changes to save our marriage.
Right now she can not support herself and either of the kids that would want to stay with her so she has asked me to stay; I am going to move past this divorce idea and treat the situation now as we are still married and continue to improve and when she is ready to stand on her own then cross that bridge when we get there.
mike
 
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Joined: Wed Oct 08, 2008 5:51 pm
Location: Jeffersonville, Indiana

Postby ThunderHorse » Mon Nov 24, 2008 7:18 am

Sounds Good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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