trouble in paradise

trouble in paradise

Postby ERRN wife » Mon Dec 29, 2008 2:44 pm

background- we're both 26, been together for 8 years, married for 3, no kids

the problem- ive never been very social, usually only went out if my husband's friends invited us. i didnt have a lot of friends of my own outside of work and we never went out socially.
recently ive befriended a few girls from his work who he introduced me to. i've really connected with two of these women and we like to go out. we usually go out in the evenings and can have late nights occasionally, not getting home till 12 or 1. on these late occasions we're always at one of two places- karaoke or one of the girl's home. we go out a few times per month, so not too often.
my husband is always invited to join us but usually declines. i always ask him if its ok that i go and he always says yes, have fun. then i get home and he'd clearly upset.
we talked recently and he says its because he wants me home with him. i understand that, but when we're at home, it's not exactly "quality time". we sit and watch tv until bed. we dont go on dates, we dont really socialize with other couples because he likes to stay home.
i feel as though if i dont sit at home with him every night im painted as an awful person. but i dont want to grow resentful that im not "allowed" to go out on occasion (i know im allowed, but the guilt trip i get when i come home makes me feel like im not supposed to be going out).
what do you guys think? am i being selfish for going out when i know he doesnt like it? is he unreasonable? whats a good compromise so we're both happy?
ERRN wife
 
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Location: ca

Going solo

Postby Devoted » Wed Dec 31, 2008 1:53 pm

I understand completely with what he is feeling. My wife of 20+ years has several times gone out with friends from work and also to see a guitar player instructor of hers perform, and even though I completely trust my wife, while she is gone, the demons start getting into my head and I can’t sleep until she gets home. I know she wouldn’t think of doing anything with a guy she runs into, but unfortunately a guy knows how guys are, and if alcohol is involved, we can’t help but feel protective and worry about both guys and her just getting home safe. I also feel for him in that our home routine is just that, a routine. I would love to come up with something new we could enjoy together on a regular basis but where we are right now it is a struggle. Now we have been married for much longer and it is a bit worrisome that you are already in a routine especially with no kids. He needs to go somewhere where he feels comfortable and you with a bunch of girl friends doesn’t sound real inviting.
I would suggest that if you want to keep going out solo, do your best to keep it non threatening. Don’t get too dressed up, never mention any guys you may encounter, and give a reasonable time you will return and stick to it. My wife, in her 50s, told me the day after she went to hear the guitar player, this young drunk guy in his 20s hit on her and she told him she’s old enough to be his mother. I know it’s stupid, but I really didn’t need to hear that she was in an environment where she was getting hit on by anyone. I envisioned her and her girls friends huddled up in an impenetrable circle where no guy would dare invade.
Do keep inviting him because if you don’t, he may think there is a reason you don’t want him around and also, hopefully your gal pals are also married. That will also help.
Devoted
 
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