My wife HATES me

[ThunderHorse]

Dear Ghazi,

You mention you are barking at your wife, when she gives you criticism. A husband should ordinarily be able avoid barking at his wife.

The Husbands secrets book has two chpaters on listening to our wives. There is a thread "Listening Strategies for Men" under Communicaiton, that discusses some of the ways to encourage our wives to vent some 15 minutes per day. You mention that your wife prefers you not to be around, so I would guess that your ratio of compliments, to critcal suggestions, may be balanced toward more critical. There is a thread, "Compliments for Wives" under Communication that maybe you can expand.

You do not mention how you handle the criticsm from your wife. It is a good step in a relationship for the wife to let her husband know how she feels. It is also important for the husband to handle the wife's criticism, in a constructive manner. There is a thread under Communications, "My wife is hyper critical, please help" which discusses the Boring Baroque Response recommended by Suzette Elgin, who has written books on handling verbal abuse.





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[Ghazi]

Thank you for the advice thunder. We did manage to talk it out. I think I just ended up having unrealistic expectations and now that the honeymoon is over, time to let reality sink in. I will try to keep any criticisms to maintaining safety and health of my family. I am also going to avoid any of the online 'rage gamer culture' as I don't think it is conducive to maintaining a healthy emotional state. I am going to just start working / working out more to channel any 'pent up energy' I might have into something productive. Married with a kid = time to bite my tongue and grow the hell up.

[ThunderHorse]

Dear Ghazi,

Husbands need to find a way to vent, other than barking at their wives. So posting your frustations on a thread is better than asking your wife to listen to your venting. It is my job, as a husband, to listen to my wife's frustrations, not the other way around.

If there is something important to take on a vacation, then you might calendar in a reminder, for yourself, so you can take responsibility for reminding your wife, rather than compaining that your wife forgot her lingerie.

Marriage for me, means I need to find times and techniques that work to arounse my wife's interest in intimacy. As a single man, I envisioned marriage as the fulfillment of anytime, anywhere. Not real.

I encourage you to keep a list of things you want, and phrases to present the ideas to your wife, and then wait for a time to present your requests. Marriage is not about giving up everything you want. Marriage is about asking for cooperation, often asking several times, before getting a compromise.

Doing little things that my wife asks, also gives me an opportunity to ask for something I want, as I quickly start doing something she asked for.


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[Kingbear33]

Hello. My issue is simple. I love my wife very much. My mother just passed unexpectedly at 53 years old. My wife has an issue with drinking. She has no moderation. Every time she drinks its to the point of disbelief from my point of view. It in turn leads to me being smug and showing my disgust of this through my mannerisms as small as they might be, she picks up on them and accuses me of being an asshole. She thinks I'm crabby and moody all the time, but it all comes back to the drinking issue. We're only 30 years old, but I feel as if I'm more grown up than she is and it's upsetting. She said she wanted to do more together and be nicer to each other so I have accommodated. I took her to an expensive dinner, got a sitter for our three children, stayed at a very expensive hotel for the night, champagne, sent an edible arrangement to her work, showed more and more affection to her...etc. My question is, I have no idea what it is actually. She seems like she wants to be together but is totally unreceptive to these little things I do to show her my love. I'm not sure what else to do. She always says, let me prove to you I can go out and be okay, but 9/10 she is stumbling in our house at 2am, falling asleep on the floor or couch in her own urine. Am I doing something wrong here? I don't know what else to do. Any advice would be appreciated.

[ThunderHorse]

Dear King Bear,

Your situation may be more complicated, but I see a few simple ideas, that may give you something to work on for yourself.

Trying to change your wife directly, may be monumental, and maddening.

You mention your wife says you are moody. You do not mention your difficulties with helping your wife to vent. There are two chapters in the Husbands Secrets book on listening. You do not mention your difficulties with listening. My challenges are when my wife wants to talk about her relatives, religion or redecorating the house. See the thread under Communications, STRATGIES FOR MEN TO LISTEN TO WOMEN.

If your wife is drinking, then she has some things that she needs to talk out, I expect. So one step in your control is to be sure you devote 15 min per day for listening to your wife's ideas. Let me know which of her ideas are difficult for you.

If your wife says you are smug and show disgust, your wife may be not praising you sufficiently. She may also be thoughtlessly putting you down. So you need to react positively, like the Boring baroque Response. See Communications, HELP MY WIFE IS HYPER CRITICAL, PLEASE HELP

These are two simple assignments for you to change. Report your mastery, and we can try other steps.


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[Help12]

I have been married just over 20 years with 5 kids. One day a couple of years ago my wife just flipped (she is 49). I am an intelligent, articulate guy who can tick every good father box going and also good husband box (on the surface) - and yet I would also not be considered boring. My wife is very intelligent and is the only person I know who can literally destroy me verbally - I am incapable of arguing with her co-herently, she is quite brilliant. We live in a small town, which is her home town (I am a blow in!!), near her friends and family. Several members of the community would not be friendly with us due to my wifes confilcts with them - everyone that is wrong and effects her or us, she takes on. She hates injustice. I always used to joke that if we ever hit the rocks I would just submit and hand everything over.
well - thats where we are, everything I do and say she attackes me for. She has been on mindfulness courses, mediation, you name it, but when she interacts with me she just blows up. She acts like mother theresa, blaming me for everything. She is also involved in a "spiritual" relationship with another man. Anyone who talks to her would be convinced I am a terrible person, and likewise the other way round. She is a good Christian and a fabulous mother, and was a good wife. However I do feel I was never good enough for her, I do a good job of anything I turn my hand to, but it has never been good enough for her. there is lots more to say but I am very weary having come from another demeaning session with her - she has no problems with attacking me about everything I have done lately. She calls me manipulative, passive aggresive, and many other things. I provide all the income into the house as the children still live there while I live in a bedsit down the road. I find it very difficult getting up every morning, I feel the victim and a huge injustice. I really try to motivate myself but I am running out of steam. Reading this back sounds pathetic, but I am a strong person - just had all the life taken out of me....

[ThunderHorse]

Dear Help 12,

See Communications, HELP MY WIFE IS HYPER CRITICAL, PLEASE HELP


In what ways are you rewarding your wife for berating you? Consternation and silence, Anger and Arguing are all rewards, and encourage her to repeat verbal abuse. You need to use the Boring Baroque Response, Suzette Elgin.

[ThunderHorse]

Dear Help 112,

You apparently are using time when you should be listening, and encouraging your wife's venting, for a time to ask your wife for words of praise, for yourself. You apparently do not recognize your success, in encouraging your wife to vent, when she is complaining about you.

See the thread under Communications, STRATGIES FOR MEN TO LISTEN TO WOMEN, and COMPLIMENTS FOR WIVES.

If you want praise and recognition, that should be a separate time and setting, when your wife might be receptive to giving you praise. se under Taking Care of Yourself, a thread, ASKING FOR WFIE'S PRAISE, and INTERRUPTING DISRESPECT, AND HABIT CHANGE FOR A SPOUSE.

Even though you are not sleeping at home, you can develop you skills of encouraging your wife to vent, 15 minutes per day. When is a good time for you to ask your wife for praise?



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[cdaubern]

I have been married 3 times, trust me, the only thing that works is to put yourself first on all you do. Be a winner not a follower, only follow your heat. Sometes it might hurt but keep doing your own thing

[Jenkins2000]

I too find myself in a similar situation. I have come to realize that my wife of 3 years most likely hates me or she has some sort of resentment towards me. I am not a gambler, alcoholic, or adulterer. I work hard to accomplish our goals. Spending money has never been an issue for me. I never raise my voice at her nor do I insult or belittle her in any way. So whats the problem? She seems to find it easy to get so angry at little things such as me throwing away old or used stuff like open water bottles, or asking if we may dispose of old furniture. The intensity of her anger matches that if I had cheated or spent all of our money on vices. I love this girl. I could never imagine myself yelling at her the way she yells at me. Especially for trivial things like useless consumer products, unless I hated her. On one occasion during one of her yelling episodes, she told me she only married me to get out of the house. I try my best to be calm, reasonable but also let her know that I won't be a pushed over. Even in arguing, she is the only one yelling. She has explained that her anger is a tactic for getting her point across. I just think its hurtful and disrespectful. I feel I don't deserve this treatment. I have always felt that you should treat others the way you would want to be treated. She refuses to go to marriage counseling and I have even contemplated going by myself. I consider myself a very easy going person. It takes a lot of pressing to get me angry and I have never blown up on her. Sometimes I truly wonder if she is happy with me or was I just next to last on her option list. Luckily, I don't have kids and don't intend to have them as long she is behaving this way. I don't know how much longer I can take this treatment.

[ThunderHorse]

I too find myself in a similar situation. I have come to realize that my wife of 3 years most likely hates me or she has some sort of resentment towards me. I am not a gambler, alcoholic, or adulterer. I work hard to accomplish our goals. Spending money has never been an issue for me. I never raise my voice at her nor do I insult or belittle her in any way. So whats the problem? She seems to find it easy to get so angry at little things such as me throwing away old or used stuff like open water bottles, or asking if we may dispose of old furniture. The intensity of her anger matches that if I had cheated or spent all of our money on vices. I love this girl. I could never imagine myself yelling at her the way she yells at me. Especially for trivial things like useless consumer products, unless I hated her. On one occasion during one of her yelling episodes, she told me she only married me to get out of the house. I try my best to be calm, reasonable but also let her know that I won't be a pushed over. Even in arguing, she is the only one yelling. She has explained that her anger is a tactic for getting her point across. I just think its hurtful and disrespectful. I feel I don't deserve this treatment. I have always felt that you should treat others the way you would want to be treated. She refuses to go to marriage counseling and I have even contemplated going by myself. I consider myself a very easy going person. It takes a lot of pressing to get me angry and I have never blown up on her. Sometimes I truly wonder if she is happy with me or was I just next to last on her option list. Luckily, I don't have kids and don't intend to have them as long she is behaving this way. I don't know how much longer I can take this treatment.

You might find some ideas in a thread "MY WIFE IS SUPER CRITICAL, PLEASE HELP, under Communications. If your wife is speaking to you about what she does not like, about you, then you are doing a good job of getting her to vent. See LISTENING STRATEGIES FOR MEN, under communications.

Are you sure you are encouraging her to vent at least 15 Minutes per day? She may be saying bad stuff about you, because you pay attention to her when she is complaining. It might be a challenge to encourage her to talk, when she is unpleasant a lot of the time.

But you might be able to get her to change the tone of what she talks about to you, if you gave her more compliments. She gives you a criticism, you give her a compliment. After a while, she might come around. See COMPLIMENTS FOR WIVES, under communications.





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[casper]

I have read almost all the posts on My wife hates me and communications
My wife is like a roller coaster never know what's coming around the next bend. Here some info on our life; Married 10+yr 2 kids, we did invitro for both. I was in lock step with her in both pregnancies. We just had our second child and what a joy they are. She took 9months off from work(teacher) and she had some complications been right there for her, always by her side. Post partum could be an explanation for her behavior but it’s been going on before kids, just got worse. Called her doctor to see if she is showing symptoms of post partum and the doc does not see any problems.
Around the house this is what I do; dishes( no dishwasher), most of the vacuuming 80/20, and all the mopping. Clean both the bathroom and kitchen she just dusts 4 rooms and hallway. After I'm done she inspects my work and always makes some complaint never a compliment. I call her a drill instructor; I swear exactly like them, she would be a good one. Give the kids baths she has maybe twice with my son. So that's some issues. She also makes almost double as teacher and I'm an electrical engineer , always make sure I her it(how she makes more). Is marriage supposed to be a contest, when I made more never even thought of saying anything.
Since meeting her, my family and friends have all distanced themselves from us. She admits to be judgmental, argumentative, and having a short temper, she actually said that during one of our arguments about not hanging the clothes up correctly (yes I fold laundry it’s 50/50). Now, she is under a lot of stress her mom has stage4 lung and is not doing well, father is possibly senile or in my opinion just lazy, incontinent, will not where depends, poops himself tells no one then sits on my furniture, pee his paints, smell like urine/barn but his doc says he's fine. Their house is infested with flees and one day my boy came home with 12 flee bite, I took pictures and saved them. I told her never to bring them to her parents unless the flee problem was fixed, she still does. I offered to pay to have an exterminator but they refused, there is no flee problem. Brought both kids to the doc to document it and later she said it was from the sand box to the doc. I did bombed their house sprayed etc.. What I'm saying is I would not tell her something without offering a solution.
She is home 3 days a week with the kids. 2 of the days the oldest goes to daycare and the baby is easy. The weekends, as of late, I watch the kids while she goes shopping, depending how I question her she calls it work or fun(food shopping is work, Wal-Mart, Target etc=fun). I do not have any hobbies anymore( Use to ski, shoot skeet, and target shoot pistal, ham radio) The kids are easy the oldest plays while the baby sleeps or gets a bottle. I do get to watch my sports and am stress free, except for not having some time for me, take what I can get.
Now she starts arguments with me for the stupidest things; I left particles of food in the sink after doing the dishes, I put new attic stairs in but have not had time to paint them, she asks why aren't they done yet? Simply you have not allowed me the time to complete them;” it should take you 20min.” Ok then if it’s that easy you do it. My mistake to stand up to her. Change the subject you made the bed up wrong,(we sleep in separate beds, this is her bed she’s yelling about), you fold the face clothe wrong, you put the kids clothes away messy, I still see dirt on the floor after vacuum and mopping, why does it take you so long to shovel that driveway. I wake up at 4:30am and go to work come home and work just as hard at home until 9 to10:30pm. During the week day she does get up and do the night time feeding but she sleeps in until 8am. She does not mow the lawn, shovel the driveway, change the oil, fix the cars etc... She does the bills and complains how much work it is because I do not give her receipts, (every penny I spend is monitored). I offer to do the bills, lived on my own for 10yrs before her and never missed a bill. No No no… then I did it anyway and found she siphoned off money to her parents. She’s quick to point out I have ADD, plus depression. Today though as nice as can be, roller coaster.

[ThunderHorse]

Dear Casper,

How can an argument start, if you continue to give her compliments?

It takes practice and planning fro me to keep giving my wife compliments, when she starts being critical.

What can you add to the thread MY WIFE IS HYPER CRITICAL PLEASE HELP, under Communications?



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[danavakian]

I have almost exactly the same problem. I am 54, she is 44. We married almost 15 years ago. She was divorced with a 2 year old son and I was separated with a 3 year old boy and a 5 year old girl that I was raising by myself. Their mother had run off never to be heard of again. I met my current wife at a market that I was working at. We fell in love and became married and blended into one family. Her devotion to my children and to me was beyond wonderful.
A few years into our marriage we had a baby son. I thought that she would be happy with our baby boy (which she was) but then she became pregnant again, I panicked, How in the world am I going to support all of these children was my question. I told her we needed to plan these things together and her answer was "if you didn't want children then you shouldn't have stuck it in." Well that led to a fight and she left. We were split up for almost 2 years. We finally worked things out and she moved back in. We were very happy. Then she became pregnant again, but this time we planned it. At the same time I had an opportunity to buy thru produce market that I worked at when we first met, so we discussed the fact that I would be working many hours to get the place going the way I visioned it and she agreed.
Things were fine for a few years, our baby was born and we seemed to be doing alright. However I missed the signals from her that she wanted me to be home more. Fast forward to a few years ago and what we had at that time right up until recently is me at work all of the time. On Sundays when I was home I was grouchy, alright a straight out asshole. I wasn't attentive to her need and we would argue and then the venom would come out of my mouth. Even though the things that I said I didn't mean, it was too late I had already said them and they hurt her over and over. Now genuinely I am a nice guy, outgoing, friendly with a big heart. One of her complaints was that the customers at our market got the happy man and the wife and kids at home got the grouch.
Fast forward to January of this year. 1 was hoping for a good 2014, well my started sleeping in another room, won't let me touch her, cut herself off completely from me, wife went out and got a tattoo on her back, a nose ring, completely changed her hair, changed her face book page to a new one in her maiden name, put up a profile picture of her in high school as a model and started smoking cigarettes - yuck! Then she tells me that she wants me to move out and she filed for legal separation.
Everything I say, do, or don't do is my fault. She has become vicious and mean with me.
She tells me that the kids are okay with me moving out as long as they get to see me as much as they already do and that they are well adjusted to this. I suggested therapy, counseling, she won't do it. I am currently seeing a counselor.
I feel lost, I want to work things out, she just won't have it. I have been doing extensive work on myself with a few different therapists, I attended the Landmark Forum and will be going to the advanced forum next month. I also believe that she is going through some sort of peri menopausal mid-life crisis, but she says she's not. I am at a loss, I don't want to walk out on my kids, I don't want the marriage to end, But I also don't want us unhealthy with each other. I am praying for reconciliation. Please help.