by pastlove » Thu May 27, 2010 2:48 am
I am the angry wife. I'm angry because I had a preconceived notion that our marriage required both people to show up equally. Silly me. I thought my husband wanted to spend the rest of his life showing me in various ways and levels of passion that he loved me. When that didn't happen, I took it upon myself to try to make the marriage work for the both of us. I did all the cooking, most of the cleaning, worried about the finances, worked around his night work schedule while being a full time student and mom, and did the little things to show him how much he meant to me. Was there any reciprocation? Very little, and what little there was was of such poor quality it really shouldn't count. And yet, he would say that nothing he did was ever good enough for me. There should be some minimum standards for quality of effort.
Yes, we got married very early (20 for me and 26 for him) after I got pregnant. Before I got pregnant, we were 3 months into our second attempt at a relationship. The first attempt lasted almost 2 years. The breakup lasted for 3 months during which time he dated and had a "friend" that he saw and drove to and from work every day. He broke up with me because we fought too much even though he worked 2 jobs and was a early morning dj at a radio station. How he thought we had time to fignht is beyond me. Only years later did he admit that he broke up with me because of peer pressure. Apparently, guys have nothing better to do than discuss how demanding and absurb their girlfriends are. So much for the promise that we'd try to work out any problems before breaking up. Love how he wants me to keep that promise he had no problem breaking.
Fast forward 10.5 years of narcisistic tendencies and lousy physical and emotional intimacy. Through the years, I sent out warning signs by saying we're growing apart and don't have much in common besides our son. His response was that we should work on it. But he never met me half way. I had finally reached the point where I couldn't take anymore of his selfishness and lack of consideration. All I ever got were empty promises that he never attempted to live up to. In Nov 2009, I told him that he had one more year to show me how much this marriage meant to him or I was taking him off my health insurance. He made another promise to take this seriously and vowed to find a marriage counselor and put forth the effort this would require. He said he'd show up finally. Like a fool, I believed him.
Five months went by before I finally snapped and went off the deep end from his lack of action. He got the message and very quickly found a therapist. However, with that snap, I seemed to have lost the majority of my hope that this marriage could work. You see, there always had to be an ultimatum for him to change. It came down to him deciding if he wanted to be with his friend or me at the end of those 3 months. It came down to him ending his "friendship" with this girl or letting me meet her if they were just friends. It came down to him quitting being a dj after having a sexual harassment case at work because he was a dj and liked the attention from girls or me leaving. He couldn't recognize that his behavior was hurting me.
For the past few months, he's been making changes. But I fear it's too late. I don't have the desire to be with him physically or emotionally. Yes, I love him, but not enough to grow old with him like I used to. I fantasize about having my own place where my choices and actions don't have to accomodate him. I want it to be about me now.
And then there's the anger. I am seriously angry that he now wants to be the husband I needed him to be when I was naive and full of hope for our future. What was so wrong with me or our marriage that he couldn't show up back then? Why was it so impossible for him to make this change when I would have been more receptive? It infuriates me to no end that he thinks I shouldn't give up now after all that has happened because he's ready to show up. As if I'd just jump for joy. Um, right. Maybe if I hadn't hardened myself after all the disappointments, that might be possible. The woman he wants me to be isn't here anymore. She faded away years ago. I doubt I'd want her to come back. I'm way more self-sufficient than I ever was. He is definitely to thank for that. Cheers!
Besides the anger, there's the extreme sadness that I lost so much of myself trying to be the perfect wife, trying to keep him interested in me. I was afraid of being rejected and abandoned again. It became all about what I could do and not who I was. I used to be someone I liked. I used to have hope for the future. I had dreams of us growing together and planning our life. As long as we were together, love would be all we needed. I was wrong. A marriage requires a lot more than just love. Sometimes, I want to be the person I used to be. Sometimes, I want to fall into his arms and let him hold me. Sometimes, I want to show him that I can be a woman. But then I remember than when I did those things, I was rejected repeatedly.
After all these years, who am I? The pain, anger, and fear are such big parts of me. The pain made me afraid to hope for something different and better. That pain made me angry because I was in pain. How could someone who claimed to love me hurt me so much? But they helped me to survive. I was not strong enough to survive had I not put up walls when he treated me like I was a housemate with benefits. So, he's changing, but can I? And why is he changing? Not of his own choosing. It's because of the ultimatum. I wanted him to change because of his love and respect for me and us. Not the fear of failing at marriage, the inconvenience a divorce would bring, or even the fear of less time with our son. How sincere can his motives be if it took me saying that I'd finally had enough? There were 10 perfectly good years where he could have shown up and been the man he says he wants to be now.
Why now and not then? Why is it not OK for me to be angry and hurt for as long as it takes? And then there is the question he asks every now and then: can I ever let go of the anger? How the H should I know!! Like I said, the pain, anger, and fear are a major part of me now. Without these, who am I? Is there even anything worth loving in me anymore? Am I capable of love? I don't understand why he would want to be with me. According to him, I'm way too critical. I'm numb. I don't show him affection. I belittle him. I don't want him to touch me. I don't hang on his every word like I used to. Shoot, I don't even cook or clean anymore.
The past can't be undone or forgotten. Hearing and reading about people who survive difficulties and say their marriage is stronger than before must be crazy. Either that or I'm too jaded to believe that. How can one get past the fear of a repeat of past trangressions? How can I not fear that my husband will fall back into his old ways? Looking back at everything, it's hard to believe that the little bit of love and happiness we felt was worth the pain and negative changes I've undergone. The person that said it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all must never have been through a long-term relationship.