My wife HATES me

[ThunderHorse]

. I try my hardest to keep the house clean (I organize the kids chores when they have the time - 2 are in college and away and our son plays sports nearly year around). I pretty much take care of all transportation issues, clean the bathrooms, carpet, outside, repair anything that fails, the cars, etc. EVERYTHING I DO is completely wrong. I can't even dry dishes to her spec.

She bullies the kids and they frankly are starting to hate her and they come to me all the time after she goes on a yelling spree with them over really nothing. Opps they didn't make their bed or leave a few clothes around on a saturday in their room and the hammer falls.

A few principles of Mars and Venus come to mind.

One idea is that men try to solve problems, and sometimes deprive the wife of her matronly feelings. Your wife might have been intending to do some laundry, and when she does find time, you have alrady done the chore from which she was intending to find purpose and motherly worth. You might ask your wife, "Were you intending to take care of the dark load of wash, or was that something I could get started?"

Another principle is that you do not mention techniques for handling verbally inconsiderate or abusive people. There are many natural responses that actually serve to perpetuate the verbally impolite behavior, and some counter-intuitive strategies for helping the impolite person to feel better about themselves. Sometimes a verbaly abusive person is just looking for compliments.

You could be modeling effective behavior and coaching your youngsters on how to handle impolite people. Your wife is not the only impolite person they will meet in life.

How are your complimenting and listening partterns with your wife? How often do you offer to listen to your wife, each day, when you have 15 minutes to listen to her? There are two chapters in the Secrets of Happily Married Men book, on listening.



VERBAL ABUSE THREADS

Post No 2 provides suggestions for a wife to deal with verbal abuse from a husband. Post No 12 discusses incorporating Compliments into blithering pleasantries in response to spousal abuse.
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ight=abuse

List of Secrets threads on verbal abuse before April 18, 2010
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ight=abuse

Second post on this thread lists other threads and references on Verbal Abuse:
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ight=abuse

Recent thread on Verbal abuse, with references, Second Post to Husband who was abusive, but whose wife has turned abusive.
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ight=abuse


Compliments for husbands to give wives during blithering Boring Baroque responses to Verbal abuse:
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... .php?t=477





///

[zeroprofit]

I guess, in response to the initial post, I am wondering - why is it unreal and wrong to expect unconditional love?

I am experiencing much the same thing. My wife is pregnant, which only makes things worse. While this is a planned pregnancy, I just can't get over her hate/disdain for me.

The other day I took a sick day from work. You would have thought the world was coming to an end. The blowup was just terrible, and she brought up every thing I've ever done in the marriage. By "done", here is what I mean: When I went through and was diagnosed with depression, I was fool enough to actually tell her some of the thoughts in my head. I doubted myself, my life choices. She could sense a difference in me (this is all a few years ago, I sought treatment, and the healing was tremendous).

So, I apologized to her for my inconsistencies in the past and my doubts, and explained to her that it was anxiety and depression talking, of which I'm not "cured", but pretty darn close.

So, every time she blows up at me it's always illogical statements, coupled with defamatory statements. She curses at me, and says such unkind things I won't repeat them here. I would never, ever, ever talk to someone I loved like she talks to me.

So, finally I stood up to it. I said I've had enough of her manipulative and passive/aggressive controlling behavior. Yeah, I know I didn't do the dishes, I know she's under pressure and stress, I understand, I'm empathetic, I'm there too. We're in this together.

But, it is NOT OK TO TALK TO PEOPLE YOU LOVE LIKE THAT. It is called verbal abuse, and you could (if you want) report it to the police.

I would never ever dare to speak to a loved one. I've told her this in the past, that it's NOT ok to talk to me like that, and that she needs to put her thoughts and emotions in gentler words.

Well, it just happens over and over again, and I end up feeling like the dog that is kicked.

So, great. Now's she's pregnant. That's just dandy. No joke: If she weren't pregnant, I would have walked out on her last night. For good. I've sought counseling, I've suggested couples counseling (to no avail), I've done my diligence. I've been extremely successful in the marriage, I've been sensitive, willing to hear her out.

But now, talking to me like that, AGAIN (she vowed never to do it again, just like last time), I want to walk. And, I think I'm justified.

You know, love is blind. Or should I say lust. 8 years ago when I met her I saw these tendencies and just treated as she was having a bad day. But now, it's so personal, and she intends to hurt me so badly by the things she is saying. She just uses the worst of the worst triggers, extremely confidential and sensitive things I've shared with her (because she always said honesty was best, so when I had depression, I would tell her).

Yeah, real nice of her just to throw it all back at me. Like the devil luring you in, she says "It's OK, you know you can tell me anything". then BOOM she fires it at me and slices me up during a conversation with that which I entrusted to her.

HatedinHouston, I have to say that you may not be to blame. At this point, it sounds like you've made your amends and it's time to move on. Don't feel like the failure; you're not. Seek not to place blame, but if you do, by all means don't blame yourself. Guilt is NOT a motivator and does no good.

[ThunderHorse]

I guess, in response to the initial post, I am wondering - why is it unreal and wrong to expect unconditional love?

I am experiencing much the same thing. My wife is pregnant, which only makes things worse. While this is a planned pregnancy, I just can't get over her hate/disdain for me.

The other day I took a sick day from work. You would have thought the world was coming to an end. The blowup was just terrible, and she brought up every thing I've ever done in the marriage. By "done", here is what I mean: When I went through and was diagnosed with depression, I was fool enough to actually tell her some of the thoughts in my head. I doubted myself, my life choices. She could sense a difference in me (this is all a few years ago, I sought treatment, and the healing was tremendous).

, .

Women have mood swings in pregnancy. what are some of the phrases you use to encouarage your wife to vent her feelings?



//

[socialdistortion]

Dear Zeroprofit,

It sounds like you are difficult time right now. You feel overly criticized by your wife and harshly judged by your past. You state that your wife treats you worse than she would treat a stranger. Haltzman states, “…Most people treat strangers better than they do their loved ones. You know that if you treat someone well, they will think more highly of you and treat you better in return.” He suggests to men that they need to consistently demonstrate their love for their wives. While this can be difficult especially if she is strictly criticizing you, ultimately your efforts should get noticed. Perhaps you can try a different approach to her criticism. Instead of defending yourself, try just listening. It is very difficult to argue with someone who does not argue back.

It is possible that your wife is trying to communicate her frustrations with her situation or herself by criticizing you. Communication in marriage is overestimated by both parties. A recent study in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology found that couples overestimate the success of our communication with our loves ones. It was found that our intended statements were interpreted correctly by our spouses no better than strangers! Haltzman hypothesizes that miscommunication is fueled by the assumption that we can infer what our partners meant. http://www.timescolonist.com/life/grad2 ... story.html By taking the role of listener and not defender, perhaps you can better understand what is driving her harsh evaluation of you.

Good luck,

Social Distortion

[drnolove]

I am in almost exactly the same predicament as other folks in this forum. My wife and I are both the same age in our later 30s, and have been married for almost 13 years. We have two children. Neither of us have serious issues like smoking/drinking or infidelity. We are both well educated with post graduate degrees, both employed in senior positions in corporate america.

My wife absolutely hates me. I cannot recall precisely when, how it happened, but here we are. She has hated me with this much intensity for the last year at least, the hurt is unbearable. I can tell she is bristling with hate when she even looks at me in the house. I sleep in a separate room, and have been doing so for the last year. My job is super, super stressful, and requires a lot of travel. She has been the only one who has been caring for the kids - readies them for school in the morning, packs their lunches, decides everything about their lives - their classes, their hobbies - everything. The only upside from my job is that it pays a lot more than my wifes, and that has made us financially well off. But I fear her perception that I lack attention to the children, which is at least partly true because of my job, has destroyed our marriage.

I also had to financially support my parents for a while, which has annoyed her to no end. She absolutely hates my family, and does not allow me to even talk to her family. Even when her family visits, they ask me why am I like this - there is NO ONE that I can talk to! I do not want to talk to my family about this - as I feel they were irresponsible financially and were at least a part of the reason for the mess we are in. I have no one to confide in. But somehow she has maintained all her friends and regularly goes out for coffee, movie and dinners with them.

Now I do not know what to do. If I quit my job, I am not sure what I can do. She gets into hysterical fits and says I should leave the house. The children are terrified when we fight, and they are very close to their mother, especially the younger one. I feel robbed to some extent - while I was away at work, putting in my 16 hour days, she has been able to connect better with the children - the fact that my work is helping secure the financial future of our children does not seem to matter.

When I get back tired from an international flight - the first thing she will ask me is take care of the kids, I want to go out for a movie with my friends. Our kids are very high maintenance and I understand this is affecting her emotionally. But physically I am also tired from my job and I would hope that at least on the first night that I am back and jetlagged I would get a break at home to get some rest.

I said I am too tired - which led to a tirade on how she gets nothing that she likes and I am gallivanting enjoying myself at work.

She would constantly keep nagging me - for everything that I do. If I was the dishes, she will not be happy with the way I placed it in the dish washer. She would get so angry that she will break dishes regularly. She spits on me. In any single day, she would verbally abuse me at least once or twice an hour that we are together in the house. If the kids start crying her hysteria reaches a new level. She will hit herself and if I try to shout back she would pull her hair out and physically abuse herself. The children get terrified and run upstairs when these episodes happen. I am sure my wife would qualify as being clinically depressed.

Yesterday I was at my wits end after one of these episodes. I wanted to take a knife and kill myself to end this pain. I took the car and drove aimlessly for an hour - just staring straight ahead and did not know what to do.

I have considered divorce but I am too afraid to think what will happen to the children, I love them with all my heart. Plus I feel I love my wife - and I am just not able to make her realize I do love her. I cannot bear the fact that she hates me. I am terrified to even try to do something nice to her - because she would spew venom and hate and say I am pretending to be nice and she wants none of my favors. She would not even eat what I cook.

Should I quit my job and find a "normal" job that lets me spend more time at home? Should I leave the house and stay in an apartment for a few months? Should we get a divorce? If we do get a divorce, I will leave all the money and property to her and the children, and I will certainly never marry again. I just want to be left alone, and escape this hate from my wife. Should we both go to therapy? I have suggested therapy and she says get the hell lost... I am completely clueless what to do.

[elizacol]

Your post broke my heart. What a sad situation you are living.

I want to think about your post before I respond more in depth. Just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and am sorry you are in this situation.

Take care of yourself! And hug those kids! They are innocent and what they are seeing and witnessing from you and your wife is affecting their psych, which will, in turn, affect them as they make their way in the adult world.

Not trying to be preachy. I'm a teacher, and a mother who made some mistakes along the way with my daughter. Kids are my passion.

Again, take care! Hopefully, I'll be back to respond. Not sure what I can say that will help at this point, but...

[tng94]

Hi Everyone -

I realize this thread is a little old, but I thought what I have to share might still be a help anyway...

I am in a similar situation as the man who started this particular thread. I found

In any case, I've attempted to change not just my behaviour, but my entire attitude. Here is something I tried that, so far, has made a HUGE impact on my married life...

So in a moment of revelation and inspiration, I had some ideas that I thought might really speak to [my wife].

Here's what I did:

1) I went to the store and scoured the card section looking for a card that really fit. I spent about an hour looking at all the cards trying to find the right kind.. and I think I did.

The card had a picture of sunflowers on it and read:
(outside) Even if you can find only a little bit of faith... PLANT IT. (inside) it will grow so that there isn't any room for doubt.

(I don't have the card in front of me, so the verbiage might not be exact).

2) I spent another 30 minutes looking for the right type of "reminder"... I thought a simple, yet adult looking charm bracelet might work... I didn't want it to look cheap, but I didn't want to drop a lot of money on it because I knew [my wife] would not appreciate that... I couldn't find a charm bracelet that was "right".. but I did find a very simple, clean bracelet embossed with faint hearts.. it was clean, simple, non-teenager, etc.. so I picked it up for $12 and I got several comments from the checkout ladies for good taste

I was praying for insight and wisdom this entire time, too.

3) I came home, prayed that what I was trying to do would speak to [my wife], and then began putting together some vows that was part of what I was doing.

I did a little research online to help spark what I should say and I got to typing them out. The vows below are what I came up with. I printed them on some premium manilla paper, signed and dated it, and put it into a letter size envelope. On the outside of the envelope, I wrote: "Open First"

4) Next, I got out the card and wrote the following on the inside (I also wrote on the envelope "Open Second" and then attached the envelope to the box with the bracelet):

"[my wife],

If you find this bracelet suitable (I tried to find something clean, simple, inexpensive but non-teenager), please wear it to serve as a reminder to ME of this vow and to remind you that I love and cherish you.

Wear it on your wrist and think of me each time it catches your glance, remembering that God is working in me and that I am putting off the old man and becoming a new one.

I love you,
[my name]"

She accepted it with a very warm welcome, gave me hugs and kisses and said that it REALLY meant a lot to her. She is wearing the bracelet now.

I thank the Lord for hearing my prayers and opening my eyes.

The plan for me now is to read these vows each day when I wake up so that I'm prepared to treat [my wife] properly no matter what the day brings.

---------------------------


My Vow to You

I will remember that I am your husband and that I love you. I will be kind to you.

I will appreciate you more and express it more often. I will model appreciation, love and respectfulness of you for our children to see.

I will remember that while the harmony of our family is not your responsibility alone. It is our responsibility; in fact, it is I who is more responsible.

I will remember that you are not "one of the guys" and that I need to speak and act differently to you.

I will apologize more often, even if the hurt was unintentional. I know that since we are different people, it will be impossible not to hurt you at times. I will take responsibility and tell you that "I am sorry".

I will focus on your (many!) positives and try not to nitpick. After all, I have my own "nits", too. I will concentrate on your strengths and not try to hold you to some inner image of what I think you should be. I will be more accepting of all of you, and remember that you, all of you, is a gift from God just for me.

I will not try to control you or dictate to you. I will remember at all times that you are an adult, and I will not talk down to you. You are not a child.

I will not tell you what your feelings are; they belong to you. I will trust you with my feelings, allow myself to be vulnerable at times, even when it is difficult.

I will pray for our marriage, asking God to give us the wisdom to help each other grow.

I will treat you with respect at all times, alone or in front of others. My actions, tone of voice, facial gestures and words will all reflect this commitment.

I will not try to intimidate you by shouting, breaking things, violating your space or blocking your way. I will control my anger and express it in non-threatening, non-destructive ways. If this proves too difficult, I will seek help.

I will make our marriage a priority. I will find some time every day to spend with you along, for at least a few moments. I will make every effort to go out with you on a regular basis. I know that all relationships need talking and time together. I know that the stronger the marriage, the more stable the family. I know that while the children may act unaware, they see it all and the closer we are, the happier, more secure they are.

I will take you seriously. Your opinions, your feelings, your decisions will all be treated with seriousness. I will not poke fun at you. And when I disagree with you, I will do so clearly and assertively, and in a fashion that in no way compromises your dignity.

I will remember the fragility of your heart and the power of words.

I will encourage and support you when you need me, and will give you space if you ask for it.

I will try to ask for what I need from you, and will not expect you to read my mind. I hope for the same from you.

I will argue fairly. I will not get personal and will always keep in mind that it's not ok to hurt you even when you have hurt me. There is no justification for meanness. I will try to stay calm, and sometimes leave the room to find that calm if needed and try to remember, even during an angry time, what you mean to me.

I will tell you when you have hurt me. I will not bury it, pretending that it's ok, because I know it will fester and surface in other ways. I will take my courage in my hands and talk to yuo. I will not retaliate an attack and escalate our hurt. I may say "ouch", and will ask, at times, for an apology. I would hope for the same from you.

I will try to work with you and help you in a way that builds us up and our business. I will not treat you as though it were "just business", but with the principles laid forth in this promise because you are my wife. I will remember that it our entire life, business with personal, is what we are building together.

I will be accepting of your friends. I understand that it is important for you to have relationships outside of ours. I may, from time to time, give you council on the type and influence of the friends you choose, but I will leave it up to you to do what is right. I hope for the same from you.

I will do my part to build up and nurture the spiritual life within our home., to make it a place of respect, love, joy and righteousness.

SIGNED_____________________

DATE_______________________

[matt801]

Dr Scott

I'm not sure if you can help me or not, but I'm getting pretty desperate. For the most part I've felt like my wife and I had a pretty good marriage. Most of the time we get along very well and are very happy together, but my wife has always had a big problem dealing with the fact that I have been married previously.

She has what I would call almost an unnatural hatered for my exwife and anything to do with her. This would not be to big of a problem since I have very little to do with my exwife if it weren't for my kids. I have two children from my previous marriage, a boy and a girl. My son is 18 now and my daughter 23.

I could spend alot of time going over the last eight years of our marriage and the struggles I've had at various times, but to keep it short, as my children got older I as well as my wife, I think, thought that my need to have any interaction with my exwife would cease. (Over the years we've had activities that the children were involved in where both parents at least should have been present.) But unfortunately when my exwife remarried my daughter and my exwife's husband's son got to be good friends. They were about the same age. They were not living under the same roof. He lived in California with his mother and my daughter was 18 living alone. When my exwife and her husband married my daughter did not move in with her new husband. She stayed in my wife's house and paid rent. Anyway at times when my exwife's husband's son would visit they would talk and became good friends.This of course did not go over well with my wife. They also started emailing each other and over time I guess the relationship grew to the point where they eventually got together and married.

This was more than my wife could handle. I think she thought that we would never have anything to do with anything that had to do with my exwife and now my daughter has married her husband's son. They have been very happily married now for 3 years but I have had terrible problems ever since. For a long time my wife would not let me talk to my daughter hardly at all. All conversations had to be in her presence. If I said anything she didn't like I got in trouble. She would not speak to me for days and be cold and unfeeling. This treatment had been something I would experience from time to time before but now it had become almost unbearable. I was not allowed to go to my daugher's wedding. Finally after a big fight I was allowed to walk in at the reception give her a hug and walk out. I was not allowed any contact with her husband what so ever.

This went on for a couple of years. Then last year for my birthday she decided to invite my daughter and her husband along with my son out to dinner. This astonished me but I was so happy and pleased. I hoped that over time that things might get better. Over the next year my daughter and her husband came over once or twice and we visited. My wife also allowed my daughter and her husband to come to family activities at my parents. Where before if my parents had a family activity like a picnic or family reunion etc. If we were to attend my daughter and her husband could not. If they attended we could not attend. This was a big step forward I thought.

Unfortunately as it seems to have happened over and over when things seem to be getting better something bad happens. My wife is several years younger than I am. Up to about a year or so ago my wife has not talked to much about having children of her own. Well we had talked about it but she had not made any steps in that direction. Well about a year ago she decided that she would like to have a child with me. I was very happy to hear this but there was a problem. I had had a vasectomy. So over the next few months we researched doctors and finally went across the country to a good doctor to have a reversal. It was sucessful but we still were having trouble getting pregnant. My wife was still young so you would not think this to be a problem but it was. We went to a fertility doctor and did invetrofertilization. The first time it didn't work. It appears that she had become pregnant and then it had not progessed. My wife was devastated. At this very sensitive time I find out that my daughter and her husband are having a baby. This was crushing to my wife, but she tried to keep it together. We tried again to have the fertilized eggs implanted this time the doctor told us my wife was pregnant. She was so happy and I had hoped that things with my daughter and her being pregnant would not be as big of an issue and that things would heal and we could continue to work towards a normal relationship with my daughter and her husband. But that hope lasted only one day. When my wife went back to the doctor to have her HCG checked again it was determined that the embryo was not pregressing again and that she was going to miscarriage. Of course this again was very devastating to my wife. I felt so badly and I tried to be understanding and be supportive.

A week later my daughter texted me to let me know that she had had her ultrasound and all was well. I called her to let her know I was glad. My wife found out I had called her and had been talking about the baby. She flipped out as she had in the past. She told me I was not allowed to talk to my daughter about her baby or the pregnancy. She told me that I would not be allow to have any contact with my grandchildren that they were not related to us and that I was to have nothing to do with them. I had to call my daughter up and tell her that I couldn't talk to her about her pregnancy. Since then for the last two weeks almost my wife has hardly spoken to me. She basically will have nothing to do with me. She told me that I will not be allowed to go to my son's Eagle Scout court of honor this sunday because my exwife and my daughter will be there. I have refused to miss this important occasion in my son's life, but she insists I will not be going.

This cannot continue. We are at the breaking point. I don't know what to do. I'm sure I have not handled things perfectly well when she has acted this way but it was because I did not know how to react. I'm afraid to call my daughter ever. I'm afraid of so many things that they will set her off and she will become another person mean, gruel and hateful. Saying terrible things about my children etc. I can't completely cut off my daughter. I feel my wife is being unfair and irrational. I don't know what to do. I hope that you have some advice that will help me. I don't want to have my marriage fall apart. Just by writing this to you I could get into big trouble if she sees it. It's crazy. I hope you can help.

Matt

[Scott Haltzman]

Matt,
I have a lot of thoughts about your situation, and I appreciate your posting. But I'll keep it limited to what I wrote in my book "The Secrets of Happily Married Men."

"Sometimes you just have to do it"

"Things like an occasional night out with the guys or good workout session at the gym may be important for keeping your sanity. If you can't get your wife to give you permission, try to understand why not But if an opportunity opens for you to do something you think is important, sometimes you have to just dive in and deal with the fall out later. Your wife will respect you for your backbone. For 15 years now, I've belonged to a tennis league, and when Wednesday calls, I am out the door. There were times in the past when my wife practically begged me to stay at home, but I knew it was essential for me, even though she didn't know that my having that time was good for her. Today she looks back and agrees that my commitment to tennis has been a good thing, and she respects me for holding my ground."

It seems to me that being with your children and grand children is a hell of a lot more important than my Wednesday tennis game.

Good luck!

[matt801]

Thanks Dr Scott for your thoughts, I hope things work out.
Matt

[ChemicalRomance]

I am a wife. 9 years of marriage. And I am angry. Very angry.

My anger churns inside me and I lash out whenever my husband is in the same room. Everything he does makes me angry, whether it's good or bad. I feel like I hate him.

The thing is, I don't really care if his socks and coat are laying all over the place. I don't really care if he stacks the dishwasher wrong so that all the dishes don't get clean and need to be run through again.

What I do care about is the thing that I'll never have again. His heart.

How did we get here?

We started out seriously in love, with all the heat and passion of an erupting volcano. We did things for each other without being asked because our hearts were full of emotion for the other and it seemed like the most natural thing in the world, the thing we most wanted to do on the planet.

We did all kinds of things together...bowling, skiing, jogging, visiting each other's families, water fights, horseback riding, mini golf, visiting museums, riding rollercoasters, walking around holding hands while giving each other loving glances, having dinners out together, seeing movies, kissing for hours. The best times of my life.

He was my first love. I wore a white dress. We made beautiful promises in front of God and everyone.

I lost my virginity on our honeymoon.

What happened? Maybe I was too in love. I would throw myself at him with glee and excitement when we saw each other at the end of the day. I offered myself to him with all my heart. He started turning me down a few months into marriage.

Over and over and over again.

Of course it hurt. But you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep going. When you're young and whole and unbroken it's a lot easier.

I would write him gushing love notes about how great he was and how I felt about him, meaning every last word with every part of me.

I'd find them scrumpled on the floor.

Year after year, I threw my love at him, only to have it coldly and indifferently rejected. Like it was trash.

I bought tons of lingerie to try to please him. He told me he would like it. He used to.

But still I was rejected time after time after time.

Eventually I got the message. He doesn't want me anymore. He doesn't love me anymore.

If I kept my feelings inside and acted like a machine for months at a time, he wouldn't notice. Trying to talk about things was fruitless. Eventually I'd explode with emotion and break things.

It hurts a lot to lose the love of your life. And losing them to indifference is worse than losing them to death if you ask me. At least if they die, they didn't leave you by choice. And you can hold on to the good memories you had together and still have some hope.

There's just no point.

I've been trying for 9 long lonely years. I'm burnt out and angry because the one I love doesn't love me back and never will unless there's an ultimatum and I don't want forced "love".

[ThunderHorse]

Dear Chemical Romance,

Are there ways in which your husband behaves in a loving manner toward you?

You seem to be selecting the time for marital relations, and expecting your schedule to be followed.

Is there some different frequency or timing of arousal, that your husband seems to follow?

Many wives have the expectation that their husband will become aroused, at particular times, or in particular crcumstances, which will be a proof of the Love the husband has for the wife. But a man's arousal is partly biological timing. Many men have a morning erection, and many wives expecdt romance in the evenings.

Has your husband given you any clues as to what his Love might be for you?



//

[Iviron]

Dear ChemicalRomance,

That sucks. I am sorry. I live in a mirror image of you, but from a man's perspective.

I could have written exactly what you wrote. I am sorry that you are dealing with that. I have come to the conclusion that the marriage is worth sticking with for the children, and of course, because I am a religious person I believe marriage is very important. But is being happy important, too?

That is my daily struggle. It makes me so angry to know that my wife wants nothing to do with me. I spend hours lying awake at night watching the clock. I try to do special things for her and generally just want to be with her and she pretty much treats me like a buddy half the time. I don't want to be a buddy.

And the other half the time she wants nothing to do with me. She tells me she likes it when I travel for work because it lets her do what she wants without needing to worry about me being around. It's not like I am a puppy or something. I like my own space and give her plenty of room to do what she likes but there never is any "we" time and she likes it like that.

Anyway, I know things are better for me than some of the posters here but when I saw your note I had to tell you to hang in there. I feel really bad for you and I wish that we could trade personalities around. I will take yours with my wife and you can assume my wife's personality and be indifferent towards your husband. That would work out way better for everyone. Will do some research -- there must be something on the Internet you can buy that can switch brains around...

In all seriousness, one thing I have found is that expectations are a major problem for me, and just realizing that has been very helpful. I try not to have expectations of how things are going to be and then I don't feel hurt when she ignores me day after day and night after night. it is a sucky way to live but I am where I am and not much can be done to change my situation. We have been married 20 years and I have tried about everything I can think of without success.

[ThunderHorse]

Dear iviron,

Thank you for sharing your feelings.

If you have tired everything, then you may have some ideas that some of the rest of us have not tried, or perfected. There is usually not a perfect balance of sexual arousal and desires between marriage partners. So some of us husbands would appreciate having more seduction strategies in mind. You could contribute to a thread, "How do you get a girl in the Mood?" under intmacy.

The Husbands secrets book has two chpaters on listening to our wives. There is a thread "Listening Strategies for Men" under Communicaiton, that discusses some of the ways to encourage our wives to vent some 15 minutes per day. You mention that your wife prefers you not to be around, so I would guess that your ratio of compliments, to critcal suggestions, may be balanced toward more critical. There is a thread, "Compliments for Wives" under Communication that maybe you can expand.

You do not mention how you handle the criticsm from your wife. It is a good step in a relationship for the wife to let her husband know how she feels. It is also important for the husband to handle the wife's criticism, in a constructive manner. There is a thread under Communications, "My wife is hyper critical, please help" which discusses the Boring Baroque Response recommended by Suzette Elgin, who has written books on handling verbal abuse.

It sounds like there is an opportunity to build love in your marriage, but keeping expectations at a reasonable level is probably important.


//

[Ghazi]

Let's give this a shot. I have been married for less than two weeks. We have a daughter who is going on two years old. I am writing this message on the last night of our honeymoon from our hotel in Rome. We have fought no less than 4 times on our European vacation. I am pretty quick to apologize and certainly admit that my patience reserves need to be worked on and have issues with anger.

I feel as this post may not be fair as I am only sharing my perspective. I love her very much, let's get that out in the open first. Neither of us has cheated on the other.

We have had intimacy issues as she tends to only get in the mood when she is 'cozy', and also tends to fall asleep when she is cozy (e.g. On our wedding night), I have asked her many times to buy lingerie, she claims that after 3 years she finally did but then forgot to bring it on the honeymoon. If she gets too drunk she excited, but however is incapable of performing. She has been trying since our massive blowout on the wedding night, but when she isn't in the mood it is so obvious that she would rather be doing something else that it takes the fun out of it for me as well. I know she loves me but we have very different requirements for a happy intimate life.

This evening I wanted to show her how much I appreciated her efforts to spice things up the last few days and didn't push her on our last day in Europe. She took full advantage of this, when we returned to our hotel I tried to touch her, she said she needed more time. She spent an hour messing around on Facebook while I went through all one thousand bad television channels, then she went to take a shower, needless to say by the time she finally got around to paying attention to me I was asleep. My major issue with her is that she has a tendency to 'poke' until I bark at her. I told her that I wasn't angry, I just fell asleep because watching her on Facebook wasn't enough to keep me going. If she had simply waken me up politely there would have been no problem, but she just took from my comments that 'she did something wrong because she was on Facebook', obviously that is no problem, but please don't get mad at me for sleeping if that is what you decide to do with your evening. We then spent 20 minutes over analyzing every minute aspect of our 'not fight' until I finally snapped. I start off calmly trying to explain that I am not angry at her until I get angry about having to explain myself repeatedly, which in itself makes me face palm.

After I barked at her she spent the next hour crying in the bathroom because we are fighting (again) on the last night of our honeymoon..how the hell did we even get here?

We are going to go to marriage counciling when we get back, but these are recurring issues that I think essentially come down to her personality. I have suggested she changes her birth control in case there is something hormonal going on, but she has made no attempt to do so in the last year. She owes us a couples massage from a Super Bowl bet two years ago, she cannot give a decent massage. I am sexually frustrated and I have the feeling it is only going to get worse, my back hurts, and I hate being angry over being prodded.

I don't want to leave her or cheat on her, but I also don't want to spend my life miserable either, I love her and our daughter. Thoughts, criticism, advice?