My wife wants a trial seperation

My wife wants a trial seperation

Postby Reedy » Thu Mar 12, 2009 3:42 pm

Hello,

I just got this news this morning. I am still in shock and quite hurt, but I do not want to loose this woman.

A little back ground.
I am 26 she is 23 and we have been married for a little over a year. I like to think that we have more good times than bad, but there has been one plauging issue that keeps rearing its ugly head. I tend to lie. The worst part is I am not doing this intentionally and it is about petty small stuff. Long story short this has caused trust issues with my spouse (rightfully so) and after getting caught in the last one she wants a trial seperation.

She has NEVER given me any reason to not trust her and has been nothing but wonderful. We still love eachother, but she just feels that she deserves better than this (the lying)and cant continue to let herself be hurt like this. I cant blame her and made an appiontment with a counsoler for myself tomorrow in order to try and find out why I continue this downward spiral.

I let her know that I am going to start counseling, but from her response I fear it may be "too little, to late"

Is there anything else I can do? I have tried to correct this issue myself, but other than sewing my mouth shut I fear I am just going to mess up again.

:(
Reedy
 
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Postby elizacol » Sat Mar 14, 2009 5:11 pm

Have you figured out the root of your lying?
elizacol
 
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Postby Reedy » Mon Mar 16, 2009 12:01 pm

After speaking with a conselor there are a couple things he thinks that are contributing to it, but it seems that low self esteem/self image are probably the biggest reasons. I see her as being "better than me"

I lie to build myself up to try and put myself on a percieved level plateau and look more appealing in her eyes and to avoid anything I may percieve as a possible confrontation. Of course this backfires and I end up off worse.
Reedy
 
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Postby Reedy » Thu Mar 19, 2009 11:09 am

Well I have an update.

Things have not really improved much or gotten worse in this last week. She did start talking to me a bit, but still no "I love yous", hugs or physical contact. She did seem to be in a better mood though and I though I was on track to getting our marriage back together.

I still have issues I am sorting through. It is a complex mix of my insecuritites and for some reason and this is hard for me to say, I dont trust her. This is hard to say because I have no reason not to trust her. But lately with her with drawl from me it has made me overly curious/semi suspicious. This morning on Impulse I went into her purse and grabbed her car keys. While taking the dog out I looked through her car. I later got caught with the keys. I fessed up to what I had done and did not try to cover it up, but she still viewed the entire thing as me going behind her back. Which in retrospect I agree with. After the ensuing fight she told me she hates me and wants me out of the house. She also said she is calling a divorce lawyer. After more discussion she said she wants me to fess up any and all lies I have told her. I said I will do my best to remember (I dont even trust my memory) I did fess up all that I could think of(at this point I felt I didnt have anything left to lose) While I could see the hurt in her eyes I think she felt a sense of relief too. I dont want anything between us if we pull through this but I am really starting to lose hope.

This was not good as the state of our marrage is pretty grim as it was. She says that I am not the man she though she married and hates me as I am. I am only about 1 week into counseling and am starting to realize my problems, but implimenting the change is where I am failing. I want our marriage to work, because when it was good it was the best thing ever. We had the realationship that others envied and now I am on the verge of losing it and I do not want to. I also do not want to cause my spouse any more pain.

PLEASE HELP
Reedy
 
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Joined: Thu Mar 12, 2009 3:24 pm

Postby elizacol » Sat Mar 21, 2009 3:20 pm

Ultimately, all you can do is work on improving yourself. In doing so, you are essentially, working on improving your marriage.

Do what you need to do to fix you! Focus on that.

You can't control what she does (divorce lawyer, etc.). You can only control yourself.

Be the change you wish to see in your marriage.

I will post more later, am short on time.
elizacol
 
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Postby Reedy » Tue Mar 24, 2009 9:11 pm

Thanks elizacol.

I am just having a very hard time with this seperation. My wife is truely my best friend and not seeing her or talking to her for days at a time is very hard for me. I miss her, our home, and our life.

She said she wants a week where she dose not have to think about all that has happened/going on so she can calm down and sort through it. I am trying to understand this logic, but I am the type of person where something like this just eats at me untill something is done about it.

I am still going to conseling and working on sorting my issues out. I feel that I understand what has caused some of my issues and am confident I can impliment the changes that I need to in order to save my marriage. I just pray I am not to late.
Reedy
 
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Joined: Thu Mar 12, 2009 3:24 pm


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