Pregnant Girlfriend Gone Mad

Pregnant Girlfriend Gone Mad

Postby markharry » Wed Nov 11, 2009 11:01 am

Hi All new to this forum seems a good place to vent your problems. I really dont know where to start. Last year my wife and I broke up for good there was no reconilation been to relate tried all the blame game etc. It was over not looked back since in some senses it was the best thing I ever did. Near the end of the year I met this girl that was in a bad way. I have known her for a number of years only as a work collegue. She had split from her husband and was in a really bad way, I pulled her out of the abyss stayed with her had no relationship in that sense but made sure she was okay her kids were okay etc. At the start of this year we started a relationship. I told her I loved her vice versa I think she did. Anyway to cut a long story short we emigrated, moved abroad she loved it and always seemed to want to be in my company. I couldnt at this stage spend any time apart. Then she gets pregnant planned. She changes over night. Everything I do is wrong, everything i say is wrong. She jumps down my throat at every little comment. I did a few things wrong made a few social errors, got drunk a few times beacuse her father does it and we had a few rows due to this and other things. At the end of this year I have had to return to the uk to see my divorce through whcih is dragging on. When I left i was told how much she is going to miss me. For the first few weeks she did. But I know she has been flirting with her ex. She is moody and aggressive with me. She has decided to tell everyone that she has split up with me. Yet when I asked right out she just doesnt know. I have told her that I wanted to split up after a row something I withdrew three minutes after the row which was ureasonable. Now I dont know where I stand. Is this pregnancy hormones or something else will she return to normal after the baby is born. Please help
markharry
 
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Hormones?

Postby Scott Haltzman » Sat Nov 14, 2009 7:08 pm

Thanks for sharing your story, Mark. Yeah, I guess it's pregnancy hormones, but I'd say everything about what you've said about your relationship is hormonal based. Testosterone, oxytocin, estrogen, norepinerpherine, serotonin. If your first marriage can teach you one lesson, it's that the "feel good hormones" that you have when you first meet a person will only carry you so long. How much of the events of the last year were planned out, thought through, and looked at with logic and reason?
-Scott

N.B. Comments by Dr. Haltzman do not represent medical opinion or treatment recommendations, but serve as a participant in this forum to foster discussion among its members.
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Re: Pregnant Girlfriend Gone Mad

Postby ThunderHorse » Mon Nov 16, 2009 3:04 pm

markharry wrote:Hi All new to this forum seems a good place to vent your problems. I really dont know where to start. Last year my wife and I broke up for good there was no reconilation been to relate tried all the blame game etc. It was over not looked back since in some senses it was the best thing I ever did. Near the end of the year I met this girl that was in a bad way. I have known her for a number of years only as a work collegue. She had split from her husband and was in a really bad way, I pulled her out of the abyss stayed with her had no relationship in that sense but made sure she was okay her kids were okay etc. At the start of this year we started a relationship. I told her I loved her vice versa I think she did. Anyway to cut a long story short we emigrated, moved abroad she loved it and always seemed to want to be in my company. I couldnt at this stage spend any time apart. Then she gets pregnant planned. She changes over night. Everything I do is wrong, everything i say is wrong. She jumps down my throat at every little comment. I did a few things wrong made a few social errors, got drunk a few times beacuse her father does it and we had a few rows due to this and other things. At the end of this year I have had to return to the uk to see my divorce through whcih is dragging on. When I left i was told how much she is going to miss me. For the first few weeks she did. But I know she has been flirting with her ex. She is moody and aggressive with me. She has decided to tell everyone that she has split up with me. Yet when I asked right out she just doesnt know. I have told her that I wanted to split up after a row something I withdrew three minutes after the row which was ureasonable. Now I dont know where I stand. Is this pregnancy hormones or something else will she return to normal after the baby is born. Please help



Are you offering to listen to her for some 15 minutes aday? How often are you offering?

Are you explaining your reasons for not being with her?

Have you accomplished the Boring Baroque Response recommended by Elgin to avoid rewarding bad tempers? Can you type out a blithering pleasant, complimentary, gibberish run?

What is your theory of unitentional rewards for untoward behviour?

What are your intentions with your unborn child if his/her mother keeps seeing her ex?



..
ThunderHorse
 
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Postby markharry » Tue Nov 17, 2009 7:59 am

Some of this I can answer some of it I cant. i am offering to listen to her as much as possible. My intentions towards the baby are to support her/him as much as possible to be a part of her/ him life. I will always try to look after my partner as much as I possibly can.
markharry
 
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Joined: Wed Nov 11, 2009 10:50 am

Postby ThunderHorse » Wed Nov 18, 2009 2:55 am

It seems taht you are interested in your pregnant girl friend being fathful to you. What are yor plans for managing her fidelity?

What efforts are you making to get back to her sooner?


How are you coming on having less arguments?

What difficult discussions are you putting off?

What wording of the issues and your desires on the issue could most coalmly present your side?


..
ThunderHorse
 
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Re: Pregnant Girlfriend Gone Mad

Postby kllomba » Mon Dec 03, 2012 8:38 pm

According to your post you have a pregnant girlfriend who has gone mad and is treating you differently. You are suspicious of her but yet you do not take action against these thoughts. You also have been fighting a lot and do not know what to do about it. Have you ever questioned if you are the father of the baby? Does she want anything that you are unwilling to give her?

Dr Scott says, "Those who maintain relationships learn to go into the argument slowly; they avoid accusations such as: “How dare you say that?” and instead share their own experience: “I was really upset when you made that comment.” Don’t panic when you clash. It’s OK to disagree. But avoid contempt, criticism, defensiveness and emotional withdrawal. If you fight fair, you will find that conflict can help you learn about your wife and make you a better husband. When the heat builds up, don’t take off in a huff. Loving humor and kind words can help heal the rift." This means that you should actually listen to what she is saying and not to just dive right into the first emotion you feel. Also you should try to figure out what they are really upset about instead to just looking at the plain meaning of her words.

In your case you could make an effort to see things from her point of view. Also she is pregnant, so this may have to with her anger and outbursts. Also you may want to look into the ex boyfriend. She can be feeling guilt from having cheated on you and the baby may be the proof of that infidelity. She may be taking her guilt out in anger against you.

If you want to get to the bottom of why she has changed i would sit her down and ask her straight out what the issues are. Make it a neutral setting and tell her that you will stay calm and rational with whatever she may tell you. Also try to see things from her point of view and ask yourself what you would do or how you would have acted in her place.
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