Everything is perfect and not

Everything is perfect and not

Postby SiC41 » Mon Nov 16, 2009 4:51 pm

I have a very big issue here.
My relationship was going better and better, we were communicating more, i was paying more attention to her than in general, i listened and understood her and while i thought that we were slowly reaching a perfect state, she says that she's not sure is she wants this relationship now, she thinks that she'd like more the life on her own, in spite the fact that i helped her in the last time to get past a lot of doubts.
I asked her if she has another man, and the answer was no, and it was a sincere one, i know for sure, because the most important thing for both of us is honesty and even in the past, it didn't matter how serious of offending was what we had to say, we said it.
She said that she doesn't like to spend time with me like she did, and the thought of being without me doesn't scare her anymore, like it used to be.
I have to add the fact that in the past we worked in the same place and we spent almost all day together, but now the situation changed and we spend less time, almost 1/6 compared to the previous period. Changing the work places, automatically changed the colleagues and in the past we had the same friends, but now she met a lot of new people that i don't know...

That being said, i would really appreciate a piece of advice, because i really don't know what to do and what is the problem, because as i said, things were going better and better, we were fighting less than before, we understood each other better and we were more appreciative than before and suddenly SNAP!

She says she is not sure of what she feels and what she wants, but doesn't want to break up with me or to go with somebody else. She doesn't know what to choose between single life or couple. What can i do to remind her of what she felt or thought, and get her back on track?

Thank you for you help!
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Postby ThunderHorse » Wed Nov 18, 2009 2:48 am

What can you describe about your partner?

What are her desires?

What does she like to do?

Men often desire companionship. What does she want?

What are her hidden goals?

How many children does she want?

Would she like to find aman who can support to raise children without working?

What are your potentials for an increased income? What extra schooling or training are you working on to advance?

What colleges would she like her children to attend?

Whers does she live? Where do you live? Any pets? A cat or a dog can supplant maternal intstincts til you are ready for children.

What are her chances of finding the man of her dreams?


,,
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Postby SiC41 » Mon Nov 23, 2009 4:12 am

You gave me a good set of questions (i don't fully understand why, but...), i know the answers to all of them, maybe 2 are a little fuzzy, but still i couldn't understand what you meant in the last one...
She stuck on the idea that she should feel i don't know what ( and neither does she) when she is with someone right, the problem with that is that before this period she didn't believed in destiny, fate, soulmate, she just said that if we want to be we will be, and she was convinced that she wants me. we don't have kids, because we are young but we had plans in this area too.
SiC41
 
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Postby ThunderHorse » Mon Nov 23, 2009 7:06 pm

SiC41 wrote:You gave me a good set of questions (i don't fully understand why, but...), i know the answers to all of them, maybe 2 are a little fuzzy, but still i couldn't understand what you meant in the last one...
She stuck on the idea that she should feel i don't know what ( and neither does she) when she is with someone right, the problem with that is that before this period she didn't believed in destiny, fate, soulmate, she just said that if we want to be we will be, and she was convinced that she wants me. we don't have kids, because we are young but we had plans in this area too.


Sensitivity is good, but leadership by the man someimes helps.


Leadership Constructs:


A. We are building the bonds for being good parents with a loving family to give our children a good start.

B. We are saving money and building careers in our younger years, and building trust that will carry us through raising our children and grandchilden.

C. With all the risks involved in experimenting with new partners, we should thank our lucky stars taht we found each other, and can avoid the risks of disease and humilation.

D. The feelings of steady and exciting Love will flucuate, and there will be occsional crescendos of cascading joy, as we do what is right, and fulfill the time honored obligations of marriage.


..
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Postby ThunderHorse » Tue Nov 24, 2009 12:50 pm

SiC41 wrote:You gave me a good set of questions (i don't fully understand why, but...), i know the answers to all of them, maybe 2 are a little fuzzy, but still i couldn't understand what you meant in the last one...
She stuck on the idea that she should feel i don't know what ( and neither does she) when she is with someone right, the problem with that is that before this period she didn't believed in destiny, fate, soulmate, she just said that if we want to be we will be, and she was convinced that she wants me. we don't have kids, because we are young but we had plans in this area too.


You can take the approach that she wants to criticize your relationship because she is not continuously feeling close to the ultimate euphoria at all times she is with you.

So you can point out that things are on track for the plan you have, and that she is avoiding many pitfalls by sticking with your plan. So just point out various pitfalls that might seem real to her, or at least for which you think there is some logicical basis.




..
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Postby ThunderHorse » Wed Nov 25, 2009 7:07 am

SiC41 wrote:You gave me a good set of questions (i don't fully understand why, but...), i know the answers to all of them, maybe 2 are a little fuzzy, but still i couldn't understand what you meant in the last one...
She stuck on the idea that she should feel i don't know what ( and neither does she) when she is with someone right, the problem with that is that before this period she didn't believed in destiny, fate, soulmate, she just said that if we want to be we will be, and she was convinced that she wants me. we don't have kids, because we are young but we had plans in this area too.



Many people desire a euphoric feeling. some people look for shortcuts to achieve a euphoric feeling. Drugs and some crimes offer shortcuts to feeling good, and too many people use these shortcuts to the excess that their feeing of righteouness about their contribution to mankind is diminished.

Most religions encourage adherents to seek a feeling of pride, by following a path of doing good, and making considerate choices. The true feeling of pride, and pleasure, comes with the avoiding excess giving-in to tempting shortcuts to euphoria.

Perhaps you can point out the pride available to her now, by her being a good partner to you. Have you offered her an egagement ring?

What compliments can you give her now, for her to gain a feeling of pride in her relationship with you?

..
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Postby SiC41 » Thu Nov 26, 2009 3:47 pm

Thank you very much for your advices. I've pointed out almost all the things you sugested, but i don't know why it doesn't seem to affect her too much. I don't really know what to say or do, she does seem to try harder now to make up her mind, but she points out that she wants me to have patience, and to let her do things in her way. By doing this i somehow feel like my needs are being ignored, but i really don't know. I'll try to give her what she wants, her space to fulfill her need of independence, and to continue to be kind and attentive to her needs. I shall see, what will this lead to... Again, thanks for the advices!
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Re: Everything is perfect and not

Postby melsilva » Sun Nov 25, 2012 4:07 pm

I believe I understand your issue. Your relationship with your wife had been in the process of getting better; you were “communicating more and paying more attention to her,” but now she is beginning to think that she no longer wants to be in this relationship. You say that this has happened before, and that you helped her to “get past a lot of doubts.” You are sure that there is not another man in her life that she may be romantically attached to, however because you now work separately, you are aware that she has met a lot of new people. You are looking for advice about how you may be able to remind her of her previous feelings and thoughts towards you in order to save this relationship.
In Dr. Scott Haltzman’s book titled “Secrets of Happily Married Men,” he states eight different ways in which to “win your wife’s heart.” One of these ways, the third way states: “Be Home Now.” In this section of his book Dr. Haltzman states “Do not underestimate the importance of spending time at home with your wife. Time together is proof that you care…she wants you to prove your love for her every day.”
This applies to your issue perfectly. In your posting, you stated that when you had “worked in the same place and spent almost all day together” things were going very smoothly. Now that you two are working in separate places, you say that you “spend less time” together, at only 1/6 the time spent together compared to when you both worked at the same place.
My advice to you is that you contribute more time to spend with your wife. You said she was looking for assurance from you that staying in this relationship was the right thing for her- something that you have already helped her get through in the past. This time, this may be the only assurance that she needs. Your relationship was going so smoothly when you had been spending more time together, and a little extra time spent with you daily might be all she needs to remind her of her feelings for you.
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Re: Everything is perfect and not

Postby yulanda » Sun Dec 02, 2012 8:45 pm

I sympathize with the predicament you find yourself in.You believed your relationship with your wife had been getting better, you were paying more attention and communicating more to her. You also stated that she is having doubts that she may no longer wants to be in the relationship and this uncertainty has happened before, you had helped her past her doubts. You are sure she is not having any other romantic affair, however that fact that you both now work seperately, she has met new people.
It is quite obvious that you need to spend more quality time with your wife. Dr. Scott Haltzman's book "Secrets of Happily Married Men", he gives eight different ways in which to" win your wife's heart". In one of these ways "Be Home Now", he states " Do not underestimate the importance of spending time with your wife, time together is proof that you care. Also learn to listen, when she wants to talk , sit and hear what she has to say.
In psychology class, we studied attachment theory, which serves inportant functions throughtout a life span. Dr Misiurski says"insecurly attached infants are hard to comfort" , maybe your wife had attachment problems in her childhood. You have already helped her in the past, whatever her insecurities are, she is looking for assurance from you that staying in the relationship is right for her.
She is wants you to prove to her that you love her each day, and time together is proof that you care.
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