Wife Seems Confused....any insight?

Wife Seems Confused....any insight?

Postby flightlevel370 » Sun Feb 21, 2010 4:43 pm

I'm new on here, and just read The Secrets of Happily Married Men (great book I might add). Here's my problem:

I'll be married 11 years in April, have 2 kids (9 and 5). I'm an airline pilot, wife is an aerobics instructor, and in November I found out she was 5 weeks into an emotional affair with another married guy. Don't worry, that's completely over since the guy ran for the hills when I found out, but my wife told me she no longer loved me and wanted to divorce. She said she felt that way shortly after I took my flying job at a major airline in December 2006. It was a HUGE financial sacrifice for the first few years, but as of today I make more than I ever did in the past. While $$$ was tight, she tested me (I didn't realize it then). She'd ask if I was off on a Friday or Saturday and if we could go out. I'd agree, but THEN, she'd throw in the caveat and said since money was tight, she'd understand if I needed to pick up a trip. Stupid me thought she and I were on the same page, as I was more focused on being a provider than a lover.

After November, she kept reiterating her desire to split. In January, I started reading all kinds of "save your marriage books", and we entered counseling. The main reason for our marriage getting this way is because of our conflict management. I'd clam up, she'd pursue...we know where this goes. We didn't argue that often, but this made her close her heart to me, and in the process she built up anger and resentment towards me. Since New Year's, the word divorce doesn't get spoken, and we have been dating a lot, and though I do give her her space, she does kiss me back when I kiss her lips, but she never initiates it.

Last weekend, she told me much of her anger and resentment is diminishing, and she needs to see if there is still a spark between us. I also did "The Love Dare', which left a BIG impression on her, but doesn't seem to have unfrozen her too much. Each time I think she's thawing out, she tells me she hasn't had any revelations in changing her mind. She went to a solo counseling session last week, and when I came home, I noticed several photo albums and our wedding album on her nightstand. I haven't asked about that.

The last joint session we had, the counselor said every dominant male in her life has failed her: her birth father left at a very young age, her step-dad died when she was in HS, her first husband cheated on her like crazy, then me. The only trustworthy male she's known was her granddad, who died 4 years ago....

SO....Here I am...awaiting comments....help! I'm trying to save this. I've read enough books on fixing my marriage, but not much is helping. I've learned how to control our fights, and channel that into a positive, but she is REALLY slow to come around. Our communications are great now, but I'm stuck in the mud now!
flightlevel370
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Feb 21, 2010 4:16 pm

Wife seems confused

Postby RBank » Thu Mar 25, 2010 11:17 am

Of course I only see one side here, so I will just go on what you are telling me.
You sound like a nice guy and are really trying to do the right thing; i.e. counseling, books, giving space. Time is supposed to heal wounds, right? Your wife has been hurt plenty by OTHER men in her life and isn't use to a main man in her life stepping up. She seems to be getting the space she needs and 'dating' is a good start. Isn't that how you started? What are some of the things you did when you first dated, together and for each other?
Of course, adding children to the mix changes the nature of your relationship. After having kids myself, I had to relearn who I am - I'm a different person than I was 10 years ago. Take that into account when talking to or romancing her.
Find out who she is now. Does she long for her past? Has she had to stop a favorite activity because of the children? *Make sure not to put the blame on the kids. Or because you are gone more now? Do you send little quick "I love you" texts to her randomly? (My hubby and I use the acronym ILY and it means just as much as spelling it out. We also use TOY for 'thinking of you'.) Send her one of the acronyms in a text without explaining and she'll be unable to ignore it.
Think outside of the box. Or get back into the box and search out what has been covered up, dust it off and use it again.
RBank
 
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 9:57 am
Location: Ohio

Postby flightlevel370 » Fri Mar 26, 2010 3:13 pm

Thanks RBank,

much has transpired since my original post. I discovered that my wife reinitiated the emotional affair 2 weeks into our counseling. About 3 weeks ago, my wife got fed up with everything, and stated she wanted to divorce. I agreed with her as my trust was breached again. As I listened to her speak with the divorce mediator, she mentioned that she was 95% sure she wanted to do this. After she got off the phone, I said that if she wasn't 100% that we shouldn't do this. The next day she cancelled the appointment to see the mediator...so here we are now, in a trial separation...

I'm beginning to think she is either crazy, or has a severe chemical imbalance. I figured this would give her the time she needs. She said it seemed like I was trying too hard to save the marriage, and that I was neglecting the kids (which is not true-I took them to movies, the circus, etc.). She said if this separation doesn't do anything for her, we will go through with the divorce, which is exactly what I DO NOT WANT!....
flightlevel370
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Feb 21, 2010 4:16 pm


Return to Making Your Spouse Happy

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 6 guests

cron