Wife Seems Confused....any insight?
Posted: Sun Feb 21, 2010 4:43 pm
I'm new on here, and just read The Secrets of Happily Married Men (great book I might add). Here's my problem:
I'll be married 11 years in April, have 2 kids (9 and 5). I'm an airline pilot, wife is an aerobics instructor, and in November I found out she was 5 weeks into an emotional affair with another married guy. Don't worry, that's completely over since the guy ran for the hills when I found out, but my wife told me she no longer loved me and wanted to divorce. She said she felt that way shortly after I took my flying job at a major airline in December 2006. It was a HUGE financial sacrifice for the first few years, but as of today I make more than I ever did in the past. While $$$ was tight, she tested me (I didn't realize it then). She'd ask if I was off on a Friday or Saturday and if we could go out. I'd agree, but THEN, she'd throw in the caveat and said since money was tight, she'd understand if I needed to pick up a trip. Stupid me thought she and I were on the same page, as I was more focused on being a provider than a lover.
After November, she kept reiterating her desire to split. In January, I started reading all kinds of "save your marriage books", and we entered counseling. The main reason for our marriage getting this way is because of our conflict management. I'd clam up, she'd pursue...we know where this goes. We didn't argue that often, but this made her close her heart to me, and in the process she built up anger and resentment towards me. Since New Year's, the word divorce doesn't get spoken, and we have been dating a lot, and though I do give her her space, she does kiss me back when I kiss her lips, but she never initiates it.
Last weekend, she told me much of her anger and resentment is diminishing, and she needs to see if there is still a spark between us. I also did "The Love Dare', which left a BIG impression on her, but doesn't seem to have unfrozen her too much. Each time I think she's thawing out, she tells me she hasn't had any revelations in changing her mind. She went to a solo counseling session last week, and when I came home, I noticed several photo albums and our wedding album on her nightstand. I haven't asked about that.
The last joint session we had, the counselor said every dominant male in her life has failed her: her birth father left at a very young age, her step-dad died when she was in HS, her first husband cheated on her like crazy, then me. The only trustworthy male she's known was her granddad, who died 4 years ago....
SO....Here I am...awaiting comments....help! I'm trying to save this. I've read enough books on fixing my marriage, but not much is helping. I've learned how to control our fights, and channel that into a positive, but she is REALLY slow to come around. Our communications are great now, but I'm stuck in the mud now!
I'll be married 11 years in April, have 2 kids (9 and 5). I'm an airline pilot, wife is an aerobics instructor, and in November I found out she was 5 weeks into an emotional affair with another married guy. Don't worry, that's completely over since the guy ran for the hills when I found out, but my wife told me she no longer loved me and wanted to divorce. She said she felt that way shortly after I took my flying job at a major airline in December 2006. It was a HUGE financial sacrifice for the first few years, but as of today I make more than I ever did in the past. While $$$ was tight, she tested me (I didn't realize it then). She'd ask if I was off on a Friday or Saturday and if we could go out. I'd agree, but THEN, she'd throw in the caveat and said since money was tight, she'd understand if I needed to pick up a trip. Stupid me thought she and I were on the same page, as I was more focused on being a provider than a lover.
After November, she kept reiterating her desire to split. In January, I started reading all kinds of "save your marriage books", and we entered counseling. The main reason for our marriage getting this way is because of our conflict management. I'd clam up, she'd pursue...we know where this goes. We didn't argue that often, but this made her close her heart to me, and in the process she built up anger and resentment towards me. Since New Year's, the word divorce doesn't get spoken, and we have been dating a lot, and though I do give her her space, she does kiss me back when I kiss her lips, but she never initiates it.
Last weekend, she told me much of her anger and resentment is diminishing, and she needs to see if there is still a spark between us. I also did "The Love Dare', which left a BIG impression on her, but doesn't seem to have unfrozen her too much. Each time I think she's thawing out, she tells me she hasn't had any revelations in changing her mind. She went to a solo counseling session last week, and when I came home, I noticed several photo albums and our wedding album on her nightstand. I haven't asked about that.
The last joint session we had, the counselor said every dominant male in her life has failed her: her birth father left at a very young age, her step-dad died when she was in HS, her first husband cheated on her like crazy, then me. The only trustworthy male she's known was her granddad, who died 4 years ago....
SO....Here I am...awaiting comments....help! I'm trying to save this. I've read enough books on fixing my marriage, but not much is helping. I've learned how to control our fights, and channel that into a positive, but she is REALLY slow to come around. Our communications are great now, but I'm stuck in the mud now!