why won't she try?

why won't she try?

Postby emw » Sun Feb 28, 2010 2:43 am

she hates and resents everything I do.

I went on a business trip, and my flight back got overbooked. it was a shitty trip and I just wanted to go home. I called her and told her I was trying to work it out, but even now she believes I was just trying to leave her stuck with the kids, in her words.

she wants this new house that we can't afford, in a location far from work, with neighbors I won't like. she tells me "you won't be able to work on your motorcycle here, these neighbors won't put up with it."

everything I ever liked to do has been whittled away. she tries to use shame on me as a weapon - "responsible adults don't do those things."

we have kids. I love them so much. she tells me if I really loved her and the kids I wouldn't care about the things I like, the things I feel are a part of me. is it wrong to want something for myself?

I've seen my friends once in 3 years.

when I try to discuss how she makes me feel she just says "we should just cut our losses and end it."

in 7 years she's apologized to me 5 times. she had a brief (non-sexual, I think) relationship with someone. when I called her out on it she accused me of invading her privacy. she's never really apologized for it.

i've made many mistakes. i've lied to her several times, usually to try to avoid fights but I'm lousy at it and she always catches me in it. I don't feel like i can be honest with her because it just gives her weapons against me.

I looked at porn, which she said was cheating on her. never mind the fact that the sex dried up as soon as we got married.

she tells me I don't know anything about doing handy work around the house - hard to learn when your mistakes are blown up as the worst thing some idiot's ever done.

i finally said that I wasn't going along with this new house plan. we can't afford it, we have too much debt, and I don't actually want snooty neighbors. I said why isn't this what *we* want? she said, I don't want what you want.

she hates every job I've ever had. "why aren't you looking for a different job?" never mind that I now hate a career I used to love - hard to like what isn't appreciated.

she's hardworking. she loves our kids. she's organized. she's good-looking. I've never lived in a cleaner house. and after all this, I still feel like my heart is tearing out.

I don't know what to do.
emw
 
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Postby elizacol » Sun Feb 28, 2010 9:37 pm

Wow. I'm sorry. You sound miserable. Your marriage sounds miserable.

There is more to life than a good looking wife, a clean, organized house, etc.

You, as a human being, deserve happiness.

If you haven't tried counseling, I would highly suggest it. I might also call her bluff. ("Cut our losses and end it"). But, I would only do so if you, yourself, could live with her agreeing. Sounds to me like she wants the status/money/etc. of marriage without everything else.

You might also print this out (your message here) and hand it to her. I have a feeling her reaction might not be what you would be looking for, though. (Based upon how you described her).

I am a female, btw. One who dislikes the divorce rate in our country and who firmly believes in saving a marriage if at all possible. With your post...I gotta say...I would not stay in a marriage where I was treated like that! I would try counseling, I would try communicating, I would try everything possible to change things, but ultimately if things did not change, I wouldn't do it.

Again, I am so sorry you are in this unhappy situation. No one deserves to feel as you have been made to feel. I wish you the best.
elizacol
 
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Postby Berger » Fri Mar 05, 2010 9:39 pm

This is just depressing, I think you guys should spend time together, and maybe go on vacation. Just think about it dude, if you really want to work this out, you have to come into some point of comprise, and if not sacrificing some of your time. It is not only about you and her any more, it is about your kids too.

And you said she loved kids, she is hardworking, dude! she is the best that has happened in your life, so why worried about it, take it slow, don't stress it out. Have more sex, go to romantic dinner, buy her some rings, surprise her with something...

It will all work out dude, you have a good life, and it is all up to you how you keep it and respect it.

Cheers mate
Berger
 
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Postby ThunderHorse » Mon Mar 08, 2010 8:40 pm

Some people feel better about themselves, if they put othes down. Sounds like you don't know Elgin's Blithering Pleasant gibberish Baoqque boring response.

What compliments are you give her, so she can feel good about herself, so she doesn't have to put you down?

Berger thinks your wife is playing games with you, and you just need to play your cards better. I have made that mistake, and failed to enjoy the delights of a fairly enthusiastic woman, over several years.
ThunderHorse
 
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