So after reading some of the other posts in this forum topic I have something I hope you wise people can help me with. I have been married almost two years and we have been together for seven. No kids. Late twenties.
I am so wrapped up and have been for a long time in my wife’s feelings, wants and needs. It is a great source of worry and anxiety. I often shudder when I get a text message or a voicemail because I worry what my wife is angry about this time.
All I hear from her is how annoying I am, how I don’t care and I don’t even try, I am selfish (which yes can be true sometimes), I am immature, I am unrealistic, I have no self control, I don’t contribute, I don’t do laundry enough, I don’t cook dinner enough (when I do I clean up after too, when she does, I get stuck dishwashing), I don’t brush my teeth slow enough with the electric toothbrush, I eat cereal too often, I have stupid interests, I am wrong always essentially…
…the list goes on and on. I am a giving person, and often I put the needs of others before myself. This is part of my nature, I am also fiercely loyal to the ones I love. Part of me thinks I am still in this relationship because I want to be and another part of me has no clue. I genuinely believe in contributing positive constructive things to the world. I believe in a higher power of somesort. I try to see the miraculous and mystical in the everyday. I work in a helping profession with traumatized children so I genuinely try to help often. But it seems my wife no longer sees any of the positive qualities in me.
My wife is a hardcore atheist, bordering on nihilist…who berates my positivity as immaturity, undermines my spiritual beliefs as the beliefs of a moron, she reduces me. That is essentially it, I go out in the world and feel I have purpose and hope. I come home and I feel emasculated, weak, stupid and guilty.
She never admits she is wrong and blames all our problems on me. A few years ago when my mom died unexpectedly, I fell into a deep depression. I clawed my way out of that hole by redefining my purpose. I wanted to be of service to my community and to help those who were too defenseless to help themselves. I went to graduate school and challenged myself to be a better man and better human being daily. But still no matter how many exterior accolades, personal accomplishments and pats on the back I got from others...I come home and I step into a wolf den.
Ever since this black year as I will call it, she has carried a bitter anger towards me that has only seemed to grow over time. She keeps a tally of all my mistakes and seems to never truly forgive me for anything.
I care about my wife. I love my wife. But how many thousands of little defeats do I have to shoulder before something changes in her? She no longer respects me she says, which may be related to my inability to argue my case as effectively as her. She group up in a family of yellers, they fought often. My family yelled like that when I was young and then my parents split soon after.
Last night she told me I was the biggest disappointment of her life. Yes, an opinion, but that does not mean it doesn’t sting. Is it normal for the negativity in a relationship to be this heavily directed towards one person?
Could I truly be this ignorant and blind that I would have all these flaws and not recognize them? When does the time come when I hate her as much as she hates me? I don't want that, I want her.