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Am I a fool?

PostPosted: Sat May 22, 2010 10:29 am
by Dark Knight
So after reading some of the other posts in this forum topic I have something I hope you wise people can help me with. I have been married almost two years and we have been together for seven. No kids. Late twenties.

I am so wrapped up and have been for a long time in my wife’s feelings, wants and needs. It is a great source of worry and anxiety. I often shudder when I get a text message or a voicemail because I worry what my wife is angry about this time.

All I hear from her is how annoying I am, how I don’t care and I don’t even try, I am selfish (which yes can be true sometimes), I am immature, I am unrealistic, I have no self control, I don’t contribute, I don’t do laundry enough, I don’t cook dinner enough (when I do I clean up after too, when she does, I get stuck dishwashing), I don’t brush my teeth slow enough with the electric toothbrush, I eat cereal too often, I have stupid interests, I am wrong always essentially…

…the list goes on and on. I am a giving person, and often I put the needs of others before myself. This is part of my nature, I am also fiercely loyal to the ones I love. Part of me thinks I am still in this relationship because I want to be and another part of me has no clue. I genuinely believe in contributing positive constructive things to the world. I believe in a higher power of somesort. I try to see the miraculous and mystical in the everyday. I work in a helping profession with traumatized children so I genuinely try to help often. But it seems my wife no longer sees any of the positive qualities in me.

My wife is a hardcore atheist, bordering on nihilist…who berates my positivity as immaturity, undermines my spiritual beliefs as the beliefs of a moron, she reduces me. That is essentially it, I go out in the world and feel I have purpose and hope. I come home and I feel emasculated, weak, stupid and guilty.

She never admits she is wrong and blames all our problems on me. A few years ago when my mom died unexpectedly, I fell into a deep depression. I clawed my way out of that hole by redefining my purpose. I wanted to be of service to my community and to help those who were too defenseless to help themselves. I went to graduate school and challenged myself to be a better man and better human being daily. But still no matter how many exterior accolades, personal accomplishments and pats on the back I got from others...I come home and I step into a wolf den.

Ever since this black year as I will call it, she has carried a bitter anger towards me that has only seemed to grow over time. She keeps a tally of all my mistakes and seems to never truly forgive me for anything.

I care about my wife. I love my wife. But how many thousands of little defeats do I have to shoulder before something changes in her? She no longer respects me she says, which may be related to my inability to argue my case as effectively as her. She group up in a family of yellers, they fought often. My family yelled like that when I was young and then my parents split soon after.

Last night she told me I was the biggest disappointment of her life. Yes, an opinion, but that does not mean it doesn’t sting. Is it normal for the negativity in a relationship to be this heavily directed towards one person?

Could I truly be this ignorant and blind that I would have all these flaws and not recognize them? When does the time come when I hate her as much as she hates me? I don't want that, I want her.

PostPosted: Sun May 23, 2010 5:56 am
by ThunderHorse
Chapter 4 Listening

Understanding and patience more than wisdom.

You seem to be taking her remarks to heart. Unconditional listening is not consternation. Attention may be your wife's goal.

Try gibberish and compliments.

Most wives in the world feel something like your wife expresses.

Does your wife express the negativities to get a rise out of you?

Do you bring her flowers and candy?

Search compliments.

Search Verbal Abuse, Boring Baroqe Response.

After 15 minutes of verbal abuse, how can you cange teh subject?

Search changing the subject


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 14, 2010 8:26 am
by Dark Knight
Alright well I have been on the search for the "noble intent" or at least trying to figure out what functional motives might be behind her behavior.

...but I am slowly starting to realize that I might be better off, divorced. Of course the first thing I will do is get a tattoo and buy a dog but seriously, she is miserable and I can't save her. She was gone a few weekends back and do you know how stressed I was?

Not at all, I went on a long walk, got up early, did what I wanted. Definitely felt a balance that has been missing for a long time.

Unsure what to do I am at a crossroads, a tipping point, I am trying to live in temperance but it sure is difficult when you realize the suffering is all coming one direction. From someone who has refused to go to counseling, refused to read anything I ask, refused to even admit any blame in any situation. I am so tired of caring about this relationship and being told "F*@k you or you're a piece of s&*t"... :(

PostPosted: Wed Jun 16, 2010 2:12 pm
by ThunderHorse
It sounds like your wife's verbal abuse is annoying to you.

There may be many aspects of your unhappiness with your marriage. One option is to focus on ending your wife's verbal abuse.

One approach to ending verbal abuse in a relationship, is to take a self-inventory of what rewards you are providing that continue the verbal abuse. You are probably unaware of those rewards, and understanding requires counter-intuitive analysis.

Secondly, you want to have positive, productive responses to her verbal abuse, to encourage an end to the Verbal Abuse, whenever it starts.

Search Boring Broque Response. Suzette Elgin, "You can't say that to me"





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PostPosted: Wed Jun 16, 2010 2:23 pm
by ThunderHorse
Here is a list of threads on this forum discussing solutions to verbal abuse,



List of threads before April 18, 2010
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ight=abuse


Second Post to Husband who was abusive, but whose wife has turne abusive.
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ight=abuse




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PostPosted: Sun Jun 27, 2010 6:48 pm
by Dark Knight
Thank you for the resources.

help

PostPosted: Sun Jun 27, 2010 9:22 pm
by RBank
My hubby & I just read this together.

SHE NEEDS HELP.

A good counselor will help you both to repair this marriage.

PostPosted: Tue Aug 03, 2010 9:09 pm
by kynnc
first, get off the "persecuting horse". u know what YOU want out of life, at least now, she knows what she wants (obviously). this is either a person u can work with or not dude. sometimes some ppl just want what they want and there's no amount of ANYTHING that YOU can do to change/fix that. if you're in different directions, chalk it up to an "L" (loss), if not, perhaps YOU'RE not being entirely truthful here about who you really are. if there's been ANY false representations, then you should simply "settle up the bill", shake hands, and go on 'cause it will very possibly not ever be mediated in that case. one way or another, nobody wants to build their future with a fake and a fake will never be able to truly make u happy for very long. ;-)

ThunderHorse wrote:Chapter 4 Listening

Understanding and patience more than wisdom.

You seem to be taking her remarks to heart. Unconditional listening is not consternation. Attention may be your wife's goal.

Try gibberish and compliments.

Most wives in the world feel something like your wife expresses.

Does your wife express the negativities to get a rise out of you?

Do you bring her flowers and candy?

Search compliments.

Search Verbal Abuse, Boring Baroqe Response.

After 15 minutes of verbal abuse, how can you cange teh subject?

Search changing the subject


..