by henry_z » Wed Dec 04, 2013 11:01 pm
So it seems like the problem is that on the process of getting your life together, somewhere along the line you guys lost the spark of your relationship. It seems like you guys rushed into a serious relationship because you were having a baby after three months of being together, correct? Well, in my experience, I think there is nothing harder than getting the spark into a relationship. However, all this take is effort from both you and your wife. If you both want to salvage your marriage and get back together emotionally, then you will make this your job. Dr. Scott Haltzman says that the best way to think of your marriage is as a job, you both need to put work into this. It isn't good that only you work, but if it has to be like that for a while, don’t give up. I encourage you to watch the movie Fireproof by Alex Kendrick, it is a great movie about a guy who tries to save his marriage while his wife is indifferent and I think there’s also a book about this movie.
If you want to make a good impact on your wife, there are some theories I want to share with you that can help you rekindle your flame. First of all, the principle of Equity clearly states that what you get is what you put in; therefore thinking of your marriage like your job can only make your relationship better. Also, Robert Stenberg explains that to gain consummate love, one must have passion, commitment, and intimacy in his/her relationship. Another good theory is the theory of attachment, which states that our need of belonging is adaptive, and that there is secure attachment, preoccupied attachment, dismissive attachment, and fearful attachment. Secure attachment is rooted in trust and intimacy; preoccupied attachment comes from one’s unworthiness, anxiety, ambivalence, and possessiveness; dismissive attachment happens in avoidant relationships and distrust; and fearful attachment happens in relationships marked by fear of rejection. Dr. Scott Haltzman also says that you need to know your wife, know what makes her tick, know what makes her smile and as absurd as those things may seem, you must do them.
When you think of your marriage as your job, you can apply your communication skills and your ability to reach goals at work in your marriage. It is very important that you put in a lot of work in your relationship if you really want some really good outcomes. All of your energy and hard work should go to these three things: passion, commitment and intimacy. Why? Because when you show your wife how committed you are to making it work and to her, she will start to feel more secure in your relationship. Even if infidelity isn't an issue in your relationship, show her that she is the one woman for you. Bring her flowers, or whatever it is that makes her have a good day. One thing women do love is a clean house so clean the house, make her breakfast, or drop by at work to take her to lunch if at all possible. Also, show her that you have passion for her, that you still “got it” in the bedroom and truly make love to her. However, most importantly, gain intimacy with her in those moments, and when you are alone disclose yourself to her. Help her disclose herself to you and if she doesn't feel like it, that’s fine because the self-disclosure principle says that when one person discloses intimate things about themselves, then the other person will most likely reciprocate, so be patient. This can help you build a healthy attachment as husband and wife. Also, it is very important to get to know your wife in order to achieve these goals. How do you do that? You do that by truly listening to her, pay attention to her actions and reactions to things; women are not that hard to figure out. All they need is a man who is willing to get to know them deeply, and the rest will take care of itself.
In conclusion, I guess what I am trying to say is that you should make your wife feel whole again. You can still reignite the passion and love of your relationship if you take certain steps. One of those steps may be making this a priority and give to her selflessly without expecting reward or immediate acceptance. Then, make sure you listen to her, ask her questions and show interest in her life. Take her out, be spontaneous, make her laugh and feel joy and help her feel new again as if you just embarked on this journey yesterday. The one good thing is that you say you are willing to do anything not to lose her, so just go and show her.