wife says she needs to fall in love all over

wife says she needs to fall in love all over

Postby slp3238 » Fri Jul 16, 2010 8:13 am

First time here, so be patient please. The wife and I have been married 12 years. We have 2 kids, 12 and 3. She got pregnant 3 months after we met. Our courtship was short and relyed a lot on alcohol and partying in college. She had just turned 21 when we got married. She was married before at 18 and was just leaving her first husband when we met.

Last week we had an issue that erupted because I did something mean to her without realizing I even did it. She was hurt pretty bad and has yet to forgive me. She said that was the catalyst for bringing up everything else. She is very unhappy with our marriage. She says I am a wonderful father and help tremendously around the house. I now have a great career as a CPA with normal hours. I treat her great and always show her affection and love. She has no issues with that.

She is very hurt from the years that got us to here. While I was working swing shift, I was also going to school to get my degree. When I was home, I was often tired and irritable. At that time I didn't show the love I needed to. She says she learned to shut that part off and just keep plugging along for the kids sake and hoping it would get better.

Now that I have put us in a better place and and found my happiness I started to want more affection from her. She doesn't know what to do with this. She doesn't want it now. It forced her to think about the relationship. She is missing the passion and spark and says she is not sure if we can get it back or if she even wants to. She is here just for the kids right now but says if she feels that we can't find the spark, she will leave. It is hard because of the incident last week, I have not been allowed to touch her at all. It wasn't until yesterday that she let me hug her.

SO basically, I guess I need to make her fall in love with me again. I can't do what we did before because it was during college and just going out drinking and partying.

Any suggestion? I love her so much, I have to try as hard as I can to fix this.

Thank You
slp3238
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri Jul 16, 2010 7:18 am
Location: Ohio

Postby ThunderHorse » Fri Jul 16, 2010 9:18 pm

The Men's secrets books has two chapters on listening to your wife. If you give her unconditional listening, she will fall in love with your. Search the Love Diet. Fiver you wife for opportniites a day, to talk about her disres for 15 minutes.


8th Post Down 15 Min Listening
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ght=listen

2nd Post Down 15 Min Listening
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ght=listen

3rd Post Down, Gives some phrases for a husband to be encouraging wife to talk.
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ght=listen

Husband has wife who says she hates him, Listening discussed:
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ght=listen
ThunderHorse
 
Posts: 636
Joined: Mon Jul 31, 2006 6:10 pm

Postby ThunderHorse » Sat Jul 17, 2010 5:13 am

Post 2, 7 and 12 discuss the Love diet of offering to listen several times a day, even when your wife is usually not interested in talking.

http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... light=diet
ThunderHorse
 
Posts: 636
Joined: Mon Jul 31, 2006 6:10 pm

Postby ThunderHorse » Mon Jul 19, 2010 1:38 am

During listening sessions with your wife, you might sharpen up your habits/skills of giving her compliments.


Compliments for husbands to give wives during listening sessions:

http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... .php?t=477



//
ThunderHorse
 
Posts: 636
Joined: Mon Jul 31, 2006 6:10 pm

Postby slp3238 » Mon Jul 19, 2010 7:56 am

Thank you for the help. This has been an exrtremely difficult time. I finally got her to talk a little over the weekend which was good. I like the listening 15 minures every day but it sometimes tough to get that time with our busy lives. With the two kids and both of us working full time, the weekdays are kind of crazy. We usually come home and do the nightly routine and get the kids to bed and we are exhausted ourselves. I am just not sure where we would fit it in. Just got to keep trying I guess.
slp3238
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri Jul 16, 2010 7:18 am
Location: Ohio

Postby peacekeeper34 » Sun Nov 20, 2011 3:56 pm

You stated that you basically guess you need to make her fall in love with yourself again. There is nothing wrong with following that path in order to save the one you love and the relationship with her. This is your only chance to redeem the connection between each other, starting fresh without the inducement of partying and drinking. That isn't a good memory of how you meet her and fell in love with her, building a clearer and more spontaneous collection of shared memories with her and the family you proudly built. Be romantic with her, give her all the attention she needs, surprise her with gift that you know she loves and places she wants to be. Take your time with her express your full potential and make her feel secure. Don't rush to get back on track right away; mending each other is done throughout a life time of patience, warmth, and understanding. you need to let her feel that she is the best thing that ever happened to you, how that day you vowed to each other that nothing mattered more than what you built with her. My psychology professor states that there is a theory of love called Sternberg’s triangular theory which consists of three components, intimacy, passion, and commitment. However the ultimate love is consummate love, that all three components are present. Starting over is a once in a lifetime chance to fit anything with your one true love, don't be demanding, always put her first and make her the happiest woman in the world.
peacekeeper34
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:53 pm

Re: wife says she needs to fall in love all over

Postby crazylove » Tue Dec 06, 2011 2:08 pm

Taking in consideration that the first thing you mention is that you feel as if “she needs to fall in love with you all over again” why not start by knowing what women look for in a man . Dr. Heltzmen says that “men are task oriented so if their wives want them to simply listen they need to present it as a task”. Dr.Heltzmen also, says that making your marriage your job improves marriages; in your case this can help you a lot because you mention that you are very successful in your career.

When you say that you and your wife had an issued that erupted because you did something mean, and that she was hurt pretty bad and has not yet forgive you, this to me seems that this issue you had with your wife was a big deal to her , I recommend that you let her know that you are truly sorry, show her that you did not mean to hurt her, remember that actions are bigger than words.

Lastly you do acknowledge that you can’t make her fall in love by doing the same thing you did in college because it was just going out and drinking, your right!! times have change but not necessarily for the worst, you are a new men responsible that as you explain helps tremendously around the house as well as a wonderful father, you need to show your wife you are a wonderful husband, but must importantly show your wife the respect that she deserves
crazylove
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Mon Nov 14, 2011 3:36 pm

Re: wife says she needs to fall in love all over

Postby Lady_Tinkerbell » Tue Dec 06, 2011 8:53 pm

Slp3238 ,
I am sorry to hear that you are struggling right now. It sounds to me like you are trying very hard to make this work out between you and your wife. Kudos to you for having the strength to carry on J. Statistics say the a courtship that is short may end up in marital problems but it doesn’t mean you are doomed. It looks like you are lacking the “consummate love” where there is intimacy, passion and commitment. This is the ULTIMATE type of love. According to Sternberg’s triangular theory of love (google it, it’s pretty interesting) you may have a “companionate love” where you have intimacy - which is the sharing and the warmth- and commitment where you are committed to making this work.
Dr. Scott has given tips in one of his books for men on how to make their marriage come alive so to speak. Some examples include making marriage your job: You try your hardest to make a decent living and to get all your work done at your job right? Why not think of your marriage like that? Do what’s expected and use your management skills at home, not just in the work place. Know your wife: not all women like flowers. Try cooking a meal for her. Dr. Scott also says to learn the truth about sex. Men and women are very different, women want romance.
Now you mentioned that you can’t do what you used to with your wife because it was back in your college days. Why not take a trip to a bar you one frequented with her and grab a drink there. Go to the places you used to and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place. Or how about you’re out in public and from across the room you just give her a subtle wink. Something to signify that she’s still got it and you think she is the most beautiful woman in the world! Find your inner college boy again! Best of luck!
Lady_Tinkerbell
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Dec 06, 2011 5:40 pm

Re: wife says she needs to fall in love all over

Postby Queen86 » Tue Apr 24, 2012 5:47 am

I think you should have a common romantic trip somewhere.
Obviously, the nice landscapes, good service, beach, sunset will make you feel closer!


__________
convert mp4 to avi http://freemp4toaviconverter.com/
Queen86
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Tue Apr 24, 2012 5:40 am

Re: wife says she needs to fall in love all over

Postby ashk1123 » Sun Dec 02, 2012 7:49 pm

So you have been married for 12 years and have 2 children? Your wife also got pregnant 3 months after you met? She had just turned 21 and when you get married? “She was married before at age 18 and was just leaving her husband when we met.” So she has been married before than got remarried both at a young age? Woman can be very unpredictable and may be extremely sensitive to things you were not aware of before. Have you tried sincerely apologizing to her and explain in several ways why you are sorry and how it will never happen again? You said that “she feels like she needs to fall in love again?” Try to go back and remember what made you guys connect so fast and easily in college, and remember how, keeping into consideration that you are no longer in the party stage anymore. Girls love surprises and new things. Try sharing something with her when she is least expecting it and show her how much it means to you to make her happy.

Dr. Haltzman says expect conflict and learn to deal with it. Most people assume that if there is conflict in a marriage, there must be something wrong. The reality is, conflict is part of marriage. Disagreements happen even in the best of marriages. There are good ways to fight and bad ways to fight. For example if every married couple gave up when they got into their first fight no marriage would be successful. Some may say that conflict and arguments only make the relationships stronger and last longer. Sometimes an argument is good to get feelings out that have been held in for too long. Dealing with an argument may not be as easy as one may expect. You say that “It is hard because of the incident last week, I have not been able to touch her at all. It was until just yesterday that she let me hug her.” Just give her time, let her know that you will wait for her and will not give up on her. Dr. Haltzman also says “Let your wife talk, and let her know you are listening. Before offering suggestions to problem-solve, ask her whether she wants advice or whether she just wants you to listen. You’d be surprised how appreciative she will be that you are just a good ear.”
By listening to the advice of Dr. Haltzman this may help your marriage in several ways. First by not only helping you understand that all married couples have conflicts, but also help your wife understand that she is not alone when feeling like “she needs to fall in love again. This advice can further help your marriage by making you stop and think “Is this argument really worth all this commotion or will it just pass?” Newly married couples may think that marriage will be nothing but love, and that you will love each other unconditionally each and every day for the rest of your life. This is not true. Think back to high school or college, and remember that one person that you thought you had so much hate for and that it was not possible to hate anyone more. Well now you can experience a different hate that may be equal to that hate or even harsher. You may love someone so much that it causes you guys to hate each other when conflict comes upon each other. The second piece of advice that I shared with you from Dr. Haltzman may also help your marriage in several ways. Not only take the time and listen to your wife when she is listening, take the time to understand and think about what your wife is saying. Not only when she is directly talking to you but when she is talking to your children. Your wife will appreciate it that you are not only listening to her but that you also understanding her. Before jumping down their throat and trying to fix the problem stop and think, and most of all let her finish. Respect will not only bring you a long way in your relationship but also in your life.

Your two children will be something that you and your wife will always share no matter where life brings you. Honestly you may think that it is fully your job to make your wife fall in love again, but in reality it takes two to fall in love right? There was a spark before between you two, and for that reason I believe that your wife and you can make it happen again. No matter what you decide to do just always keep in mind; respect, honesty, and understanding will never let you down. Not only do woman love surprises and new things woman love to know that you know them better than anyone else does. Think back to your college years what did your wife truly love then compare it to your life now, and come to a conclusion on what is something that only you would know that your wife loves and would appreciate more than anything. Try doing more things as a family, such as going out to eat or going bowling or any sort of family fun activity. Appreciate that family bonding and put it first. From personal experience, do not keep things bottled up, calmly tell your wife what is on your mind and explain to her that you are not trying to cause an argument just that you wanted to work things out. I wish you the best of luck, and I hope you and your wife find the love that once was there. Do not forget to explain to her how much you love her each and every night, and make sure she does not forget it.
ashk1123
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Sun Dec 02, 2012 7:47 pm

Re: wife says she needs to fall in love all over

Postby calishore87 » Wed Nov 20, 2013 4:42 pm

So you say your wife needs to fall in love all over. You have been married for twelve years with two children. Wife turned twenty one when you got married and was pregnant three months after you met? Also you mentioned that she was married before at eighteen and was leaving her husband when you met. Firstly I would like to acknowledge your passion and commitment to your wife and family. Many parents end relationships because of hardship, so for you to want to make things work means a lot and you should be proud of yourself for doing so.
Looking back at your statement where you mentioned how old your wife was when she was married before you makes me think of my previous relationship. Although I was not married, I did decide to move in with my partner after a short time of being together. I thought I was ready for a big commitment on my part after all the partying I had done. I stayed home and took care of the house while my partner went and worked to support us both. Going from partying to “house wife” so quickly was very overwhelming and a part of me missed it. You mention how she was hurt from the previous years before when you worked and were in school and was tired and irritable when you got home and didn’t show affection like you should have. She learned to shut it out in hopes things would get better, reminds me of myself. It sounds like she was overwhelmed and missing your company and a husband.
Not all men are good at expressing. In many cases they are the sole bread winner of the family and have a lot of responsibility and have to take care of many things other than work, office, and finances. Still, they love their wives the same way their wives love them. They just forget to express it often and clearly. Their hints are subtle and hidden in small acts. Woman need expression loud and clear. The first thing to do to make her fall in love with you again is to express love to her in the way she wants to hear or feel it. Now different woman have different ways of feeling loved. So take the time and learn the language of love of your wife and express in the same language.
Dr. Haltzman says “to understand the way to your wife’s heart, you must first learn what makes her tick.” He also states “ to men, working late might be your way of saying I love you and take care of you, but to her it might mean you don’t care about the relationship.” You mention you need to make her fall in love all over? I think the best way is to show her that the passion and fun side of the relationship is still there. Not necessarily the drinking and partying side of it, but just because you’re married doesn’t mean the fun should end. You say you have a great career now. Hire a babysitter for a night or two a month and take her on a night out on the town. Buy her flowers and go to a relaxing restaurant where you can enjoy each others company and talk without the stress of being back home in reality. When you both met you were in college partying a lot and had a short courtship. I’m sure you missed out on the dating aspect of the relationship, so try and ignite that flame that you missed out on.
In my Psychology class we learned that in order to be happily married a man must aim to please. Try to determine her needs and ask yourself, is there some way I can make this happen for her? Being a happily married man means regularly and consistantly demonstrate love for his wife. “ marriage should be saved at all cost” - Dr. Haltzman. I hope this helps in any way. The best of luck to you and your wife.
calishore87
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Nov 20, 2013 2:26 pm

Re: wife says she needs to fall in love all over

Postby henry_z » Wed Dec 04, 2013 11:01 pm

So it seems like the problem is that on the process of getting your life together, somewhere along the line you guys lost the spark of your relationship. It seems like you guys rushed into a serious relationship because you were having a baby after three months of being together, correct? Well, in my experience, I think there is nothing harder than getting the spark into a relationship. However, all this take is effort from both you and your wife. If you both want to salvage your marriage and get back together emotionally, then you will make this your job. Dr. Scott Haltzman says that the best way to think of your marriage is as a job, you both need to put work into this. It isn't good that only you work, but if it has to be like that for a while, don’t give up. I encourage you to watch the movie Fireproof by Alex Kendrick, it is a great movie about a guy who tries to save his marriage while his wife is indifferent and I think there’s also a book about this movie.
If you want to make a good impact on your wife, there are some theories I want to share with you that can help you rekindle your flame. First of all, the principle of Equity clearly states that what you get is what you put in; therefore thinking of your marriage like your job can only make your relationship better. Also, Robert Stenberg explains that to gain consummate love, one must have passion, commitment, and intimacy in his/her relationship. Another good theory is the theory of attachment, which states that our need of belonging is adaptive, and that there is secure attachment, preoccupied attachment, dismissive attachment, and fearful attachment. Secure attachment is rooted in trust and intimacy; preoccupied attachment comes from one’s unworthiness, anxiety, ambivalence, and possessiveness; dismissive attachment happens in avoidant relationships and distrust; and fearful attachment happens in relationships marked by fear of rejection. Dr. Scott Haltzman also says that you need to know your wife, know what makes her tick, know what makes her smile and as absurd as those things may seem, you must do them.
When you think of your marriage as your job, you can apply your communication skills and your ability to reach goals at work in your marriage. It is very important that you put in a lot of work in your relationship if you really want some really good outcomes. All of your energy and hard work should go to these three things: passion, commitment and intimacy. Why? Because when you show your wife how committed you are to making it work and to her, she will start to feel more secure in your relationship. Even if infidelity isn't an issue in your relationship, show her that she is the one woman for you. Bring her flowers, or whatever it is that makes her have a good day. One thing women do love is a clean house so clean the house, make her breakfast, or drop by at work to take her to lunch if at all possible. Also, show her that you have passion for her, that you still “got it” in the bedroom and truly make love to her. However, most importantly, gain intimacy with her in those moments, and when you are alone disclose yourself to her. Help her disclose herself to you and if she doesn't feel like it, that’s fine because the self-disclosure principle says that when one person discloses intimate things about themselves, then the other person will most likely reciprocate, so be patient. This can help you build a healthy attachment as husband and wife. Also, it is very important to get to know your wife in order to achieve these goals. How do you do that? You do that by truly listening to her, pay attention to her actions and reactions to things; women are not that hard to figure out. All they need is a man who is willing to get to know them deeply, and the rest will take care of itself.
In conclusion, I guess what I am trying to say is that you should make your wife feel whole again. You can still reignite the passion and love of your relationship if you take certain steps. One of those steps may be making this a priority and give to her selflessly without expecting reward or immediate acceptance. Then, make sure you listen to her, ask her questions and show interest in her life. Take her out, be spontaneous, make her laugh and feel joy and help her feel new again as if you just embarked on this journey yesterday. The one good thing is that you say you are willing to do anything not to lose her, so just go and show her.
henry_z
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Dec 04, 2013 5:29 pm


Return to Making Your Spouse Happy

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 6 guests

cron