She's doing it again!

She's doing it again!

Postby Itsme » Tue Aug 10, 2010 2:52 pm


My wife and I have been together 25 years. Throughout our marriage she tells me that she wish she had not married me, she was too young, and that she will never love me like I want her to love me. She kills me with her words.

When my wife talks to me like that or when she "punishes" me with silence, I want to crawl under a rock. It hurts, but then eventually things go well, she is the lovely person I see, and I feel like I am in heaven. Then, something seems to set her off and she goes into the same spiral.

It is really wierd, too. She is a wonderful woman and a lot of people look up to her. She loves teaching and she is always helping people in their relationships. But, when it comes to ours I never measure up.

Throughout my adult life, I have taken what she has said about me to heart. A lot of the time she has been right, so I have gone to counseling, taken classes, and I work on myself as much as I can.

My wife is a go getter. She started her own business and right now she is struggliing financially. She is mad at me because I am not taking our tax money and paying for her business expenses. Sure, I have helped her as much as I can, but when I try to setup boundaries, like I have been taught, she really gets mad at me. Our tax money is really not my money or our money. Our budgets are separate so we each control our own bills. That's the way we have been doing it for a long time. We have our own accounts for our own spending and a joint account for joint bills. Her business is supposed to pay for itself. Often, I bail her out but she I do that I then sink us into debt because I put myself in jeopardy to make her happy. We have learned the hard way not to spend money like this. If we continue to spend foolishly we will be on the street. Well, I will probably be on the street.

I ask my wife for help and I ask her to talk to me about the issues she is facing. But, she looks at me at contempt and maybe indifference. I can see her heading for divorce, again. I don't know if I can handle it again this time. For the last few years I have seen a counselor to take care of myself and to build my self-esteem back up. But, keep in mind, I have also been learning how to be balanced so that I am not just centered on myself. I enjoy giving in our relationship and I know it is not all about me. I just need to know how to cope when I am so alone yet I want this relationship to work.

My wife is a good person and a beautiful lady. I am amazed by her and I enjoy it when she decides to love me. But, I am getting so tired and worn and hurt when she treats me like this. I have no joy and I don't know how to laugh anymore. I see her with other people and she doesn't act around them like she does around me. I have recently started to go to another wonderful support group. Now that I am going to support groups she seems to be building another case against me for whatever reason. Taking care of myself seems to be selfish. When I don't take care of myself I fall into traps or arguments that eventually makes me feel wrong, unworthy, inconsiderate, etc. etc.

I am posting because I am alone and isolated. I am looking for any type of feedback that doesn't hurt me too much. I am tired of being alone. I don't want to lose my wife. I adore her, but I don't know who I am anymore. I married for life. I always have wanted to be with her. She tells me that the only reason she stays is that she doesn't want to hurt me, and that I won't let her go. How do I let her go without giving her the idea that I want a divorce?
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Postby ThunderHorse » Wed Aug 18, 2010 5:17 am

My wife once told me, a few years ago. that she was staying with me because she did not want to hurt me with a divorce. I told her that if she wanted a divorce that she should not refrain from getting a divorce, for feeling she would hurt my feelings.

She at first said Ok, that she would go ahead and get a divorce, and I agreed to get a room, and move out of the house. A few hours later, she reconsidered, and said she would try to work on the issues with me. I had already rented a room from the newspaper, and kept the room for a couple months, till she was settled down.

You don't mention Complimentary Blithering Gibberirish, as a response to your wife's verbal abuse. Suzette Ellgin, YOU CAN'T SAY THAT TO ME, 8 steps to end vebal abuse

References to threads on verbal abuse.

List of threads before April 18, 2010 ... ight=abuse

Second Post to Husband who was abusive, but whose wife has turned abusive. ... ight=abuse

You don't mention that you have laidout a plan to close the business, to prevent furhter losses. Can you get a loan for the expenses to close the business? If the business is losing money, why keep it open?
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Postby socialdistortion » Thu Aug 19, 2010 6:31 pm

Dear Itsme,

You clearly adore your wife and want both of you to be happy. My first suggestion to you is to forget the money issue, completely! This is not important right now. While you are being so supportive, your attitude toward your wife losing this money seems resentful (which is understandable), but this is SO TOTALLY not a significant factor at all right now. When someone’s attitude conflicts with their behavior ‘cognitive dissonance’ emerges. This is a state of psychological unrest that occurs when an individual’s beliefs and behavior are inconsistent, (for example, you are against the consumption of animals but you just love fish). The solution to any type of cognitive dissonance is to either change your attitude or change your behavior so they match.

Haltzman’s solution to cognitive dissonance in marriage is clear, -change your attitude! For example, he proposes that when a person’s attitude toward marriage (you don’t want to be married) conflicts with one’s behavior (you are married) the ONLY solution is to change the attitude (choose to love the person). He hypothesizes that this change in attitude will reduce the tension with the behavior and cognitive dissonance will dissipate. Other authors, (such as M. Buchanan, author of The Marriage Delusion- a book that I highly suggest nobody reads) actually propose to change the behavior (get a divorce) in attempt to reduce cognitive dissonance!

My point is that you really need to change your attitude about your wife’s financial mishaps, however upsetting this may be right now. You don’t need to just tolerate it, you need to change your attitude and make it a non issue. Perhaps you could get a third person involved such as a financial business planner to help her see the cost as opposed to the profit. It sounds like you would rather be married and poor than divorced and owing. This can not be your focus at all right now. Save your marriage and then save yourself.

More thoughts later,

Social Distortion
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