She's doing it again!
Posted: Tue Aug 10, 2010 2:52 pm
Hello,
My wife and I have been together 25 years. Throughout our marriage she tells me that she wish she had not married me, she was too young, and that she will never love me like I want her to love me. She kills me with her words.
When my wife talks to me like that or when she "punishes" me with silence, I want to crawl under a rock. It hurts, but then eventually things go well, she is the lovely person I see, and I feel like I am in heaven. Then, something seems to set her off and she goes into the same spiral.
It is really wierd, too. She is a wonderful woman and a lot of people look up to her. She loves teaching and she is always helping people in their relationships. But, when it comes to ours I never measure up.
Throughout my adult life, I have taken what she has said about me to heart. A lot of the time she has been right, so I have gone to counseling, taken classes, and I work on myself as much as I can.
My wife is a go getter. She started her own business and right now she is struggliing financially. She is mad at me because I am not taking our tax money and paying for her business expenses. Sure, I have helped her as much as I can, but when I try to setup boundaries, like I have been taught, she really gets mad at me. Our tax money is really not my money or our money. Our budgets are separate so we each control our own bills. That's the way we have been doing it for a long time. We have our own accounts for our own spending and a joint account for joint bills. Her business is supposed to pay for itself. Often, I bail her out but she I do that I then sink us into debt because I put myself in jeopardy to make her happy. We have learned the hard way not to spend money like this. If we continue to spend foolishly we will be on the street. Well, I will probably be on the street.
I ask my wife for help and I ask her to talk to me about the issues she is facing. But, she looks at me at contempt and maybe indifference. I can see her heading for divorce, again. I don't know if I can handle it again this time. For the last few years I have seen a counselor to take care of myself and to build my self-esteem back up. But, keep in mind, I have also been learning how to be balanced so that I am not just centered on myself. I enjoy giving in our relationship and I know it is not all about me. I just need to know how to cope when I am so alone yet I want this relationship to work.
My wife is a good person and a beautiful lady. I am amazed by her and I enjoy it when she decides to love me. But, I am getting so tired and worn and hurt when she treats me like this. I have no joy and I don't know how to laugh anymore. I see her with other people and she doesn't act around them like she does around me. I have recently started to go to another wonderful support group. Now that I am going to support groups she seems to be building another case against me for whatever reason. Taking care of myself seems to be selfish. When I don't take care of myself I fall into traps or arguments that eventually makes me feel wrong, unworthy, inconsiderate, etc. etc.
I am posting because I am alone and isolated. I am looking for any type of feedback that doesn't hurt me too much. I am tired of being alone. I don't want to lose my wife. I adore her, but I don't know who I am anymore. I married for life. I always have wanted to be with her. She tells me that the only reason she stays is that she doesn't want to hurt me, and that I won't let her go. How do I let her go without giving her the idea that I want a divorce?
My wife and I have been together 25 years. Throughout our marriage she tells me that she wish she had not married me, she was too young, and that she will never love me like I want her to love me. She kills me with her words.
When my wife talks to me like that or when she "punishes" me with silence, I want to crawl under a rock. It hurts, but then eventually things go well, she is the lovely person I see, and I feel like I am in heaven. Then, something seems to set her off and she goes into the same spiral.
It is really wierd, too. She is a wonderful woman and a lot of people look up to her. She loves teaching and she is always helping people in their relationships. But, when it comes to ours I never measure up.
Throughout my adult life, I have taken what she has said about me to heart. A lot of the time she has been right, so I have gone to counseling, taken classes, and I work on myself as much as I can.
My wife is a go getter. She started her own business and right now she is struggliing financially. She is mad at me because I am not taking our tax money and paying for her business expenses. Sure, I have helped her as much as I can, but when I try to setup boundaries, like I have been taught, she really gets mad at me. Our tax money is really not my money or our money. Our budgets are separate so we each control our own bills. That's the way we have been doing it for a long time. We have our own accounts for our own spending and a joint account for joint bills. Her business is supposed to pay for itself. Often, I bail her out but she I do that I then sink us into debt because I put myself in jeopardy to make her happy. We have learned the hard way not to spend money like this. If we continue to spend foolishly we will be on the street. Well, I will probably be on the street.
I ask my wife for help and I ask her to talk to me about the issues she is facing. But, she looks at me at contempt and maybe indifference. I can see her heading for divorce, again. I don't know if I can handle it again this time. For the last few years I have seen a counselor to take care of myself and to build my self-esteem back up. But, keep in mind, I have also been learning how to be balanced so that I am not just centered on myself. I enjoy giving in our relationship and I know it is not all about me. I just need to know how to cope when I am so alone yet I want this relationship to work.
My wife is a good person and a beautiful lady. I am amazed by her and I enjoy it when she decides to love me. But, I am getting so tired and worn and hurt when she treats me like this. I have no joy and I don't know how to laugh anymore. I see her with other people and she doesn't act around them like she does around me. I have recently started to go to another wonderful support group. Now that I am going to support groups she seems to be building another case against me for whatever reason. Taking care of myself seems to be selfish. When I don't take care of myself I fall into traps or arguments that eventually makes me feel wrong, unworthy, inconsiderate, etc. etc.
I am posting because I am alone and isolated. I am looking for any type of feedback that doesn't hurt me too much. I am tired of being alone. I don't want to lose my wife. I adore her, but I don't know who I am anymore. I married for life. I always have wanted to be with her. She tells me that the only reason she stays is that she doesn't want to hurt me, and that I won't let her go. How do I let her go without giving her the idea that I want a divorce?