My wifes adult son

My wifes adult son

Postby floydtemple » Thu Aug 12, 2010 7:49 am

My wife and I married 3 years ago. We have lived together for 4 years. I love her very much but I have a problem with her and her son. He just graduated college and is 24 years old. The problem I have is that he refuses to acknowledge me. He never comes around and in fact he has never seen his mother and I together. She makes sure he never has to. He calls her occasionally and they go out to dinner but I am not invited. He is having a graduation get together with his mom and aunt and I am not invited. We paid completely for his college. We pay his car insurance and cell phone bill. I have 3 children from a previous marriage and they come around. Am I wrong to feel jilted here? It is really getting to me.
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Postby ThunderHorse » Wed Aug 18, 2010 5:34 am

Are there other ways in which you feel manipulated?

If you were to write him a letter, how would the letter sound?

"Your avoiding me makes me feel unappreciated. Your mother and I are now a family, and I have agreed to use family money to support your college education, and expenses. I have always tried to be respectful to you, personally. I feel that you are being disrespectful to me, by deliberately avoiding all contact wtih me."

A bigger issue may be his getting a job, and staying sober. Getting a DUI, or extended periods of unemployment could be costly.

Maybe list out all the issues, and see what issue you want to work on first. Maybe write him a letter and offer to sit down to discuss his job application processes, if he has not found a job in a couple of weeks. Maybe use his aversion to you, as a motivator.

Maybe offering to sit down with him for Lunch might be a way to establish a rapport, so that you are not conflicting with the supportive relationship he feels from his mother.

I am not sure you have the top issue, forefront in your mind.

I agree his avoiding you is less than ideal, but maybe work on the bigger issues first, and the issue of avoidance may lessen.

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Postby hefinjeffa » Thu Nov 17, 2011 8:26 pm

I understand where you are coming from and how you feel. You feel pushed away and somewhat neglected when you are not invited to spend time with your wife and her son. I was in a pretty similar situation a few years back when I remarried. I have 2 boys from a prev marriage and my oldest and husband have bumped heads since day one. It can be very frustrating at times.
I have learned in my psych class that remarriage can be difficult for children and step-parent/step-child relations tend to be more negative and distant than parent child relations from the first marriage. It is difficult and kind of puts you in a hard and uncomfortable place, really uncomfortable. I honestly think it is because when kids go thru a divorce, it is a traumatic expirence and they put such a wall up to protect them from any more pain.
I think you should try to sit and talk to your wife about how you feel. I have read in Dr Scott's book "Secrets of Happily Married Man" It is OK to disagree. Try not to get defensive, and avoid conflict. Really try to tell her EXACTLY what is on you mind. Be completely honest about how you feel and maybe eventually she will see thing from your prospective and slowly involve you in their lives.
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Re: My wifes adult son

Postby thelovedoctor » Sun Dec 04, 2011 6:20 pm

I see that you feel neglected the fact that her son does not bound with you or have communication and you feel as your wife is supporting him am i right? In any family event like christmas/thanksgiving dinner does he talk to you like say hi or anything? My father is a Step-parent to my brother and sister and they have no type of communication because they dont accept him and they dont like that my mom divorce their father. My brother and sister are in their mid 20s .

In my Psychology class I learned that it is hard for kids when their parents remarry. He is probably still hurt that his parents got divorce. Kids take time to accept or they dont accept at all , they build this wall from socializing with the step-parent.

I think you should make a lunch day or dinner with him and your wife and talk about how your feeling how hes feeling also and what the wife thinks about it. Try and make a effort to communicate as much as you can. Set a lunch or dinner day like one day a week so you guys can get to know ea ch other better.
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Re: My wifes adult son

Postby Lady_Tinkerbell » Tue Dec 06, 2011 8:22 pm

Floyd temple,
I empathize with you and your situation. “Stepfamilies” or “blended families must be hard on everybody. However, this sounds like it has been taken a step further and it must seem to you that everybody in your family does not take into consideration your feelings. Have you asked your wife if there is a specific reason as to why you don’t seem to be included in their relationship? Is it possible to schedule a day where the 3 of you can go out so you and her son can get to know each other? After all it was your money too that paid his way through college and the cell phone AND the car insurance payments. (you guys are awesome parents, I have to pay everything myself and I’m 21! :D )
I am currently taking a Psychology class and we recently just touched upon a chapter about blended families and the hardships they may have to endure. Our book stated that there are cases where parents are caught between their desires to create a new intimate relationship and to maintain their parenting role. However, I am still puzzled why she has not offered for you to “tag” along. In my opinion, it only seems fair. Her son seems to have not adjusted to you being around so this may be an opportunity for you to reach out to him.
My advise: Start small. Maybe talk to your wife first about it and ask if it would be alright for you to go to one of their dinners or cook dinner yourself for the 5 of you to enjoy as a family. It may show him that you can provide for his mother seeing as how he’s never seen the two of you as a married unit. You said in your original post that “She makes sure he never has to.” Ask her why it seems that she makes sure he doesn’t have to come around. If everything works out invite him to do “male bonding” activities like fishing or watching a football game. Try to show her that you are interested in getting to know your son. Best of luck!
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Re: My wifes adult son

Postby psychstudent » Tue Dec 06, 2011 10:17 pm

I understand how frustrating and disappointing that must be. Not only are you his step-father but you also provide monetary assistance. I do agree with you that you deserve more respect from him. How does your wife feel about his behavior? It seems as though she may accept it as you said she goes out to dinner with him and does not invite you. I’m learning in my psychology class about how difficult re-marriage can be on the children, and it may be worse the older they are. Keep in mind that he may still be coming to terms with his parents’ divorce and his mother remarrying. What is your relationship with his father, and what was the reason for their divorce? I’m only asking because of the possibility of him having sour feelings against you because of what he has heard from other people in his family. In order to develop a relationship with him try to start simple with inviting him over the house for dinner, or to watch a sports game. Find out what his interests are and try to ease your way into his life. Another thing I think you should work on is communication with your wife. Does she realize how you feel about the situation? My professor has said that good communication is the most important part of your marriage. Make sure she understands how you feel about this problem and what kind of outcome you would like. Do you want your step-son to simply acknowledge and respect you, or would you like to develop a relationship with him? I hope that he is coming to an age where he will mature more and come to terms with the situation you guys are left with. Make sure that you know where you want to stand, take steps to get there and remember that your wife is in the middle of this so try to make it as smooth as possible. Good luck and I hope that everything works out!
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