My wife does not trust me with keeping our daughter safe.

[GIFFF]

My wife and I are in our mid 30s and have a perfect 5-½ year old girl. We were at a NASCAR race and my daughter and I were looking for my wife (I think. It was a while ago so I don’t remember why it was just my daughter and I). The place was mobbed so I made sure to hold my daughters hand the whole time. We came to the restrooms and I really had to go. The men’s room was packed, and a small line started to form. As I looked around, debating what to do, I herd someone say “Sir?” It was a woman in her early 50s with a staff shirt, a laminate hanging around her neck, and a waki-talky in her hand. She was dressed consistently with the other staff members at the event. She seemed to notice my dilemma and asked if it would help if I left my daughter with her while I use the men’s room. I said okay and told them both not to go any ware. When I came out less than a minute later, I said thank you very much and the woman replied that it was no problem and she smiled and said she understood.
When I told my wife this story months later she was in shock. She accused me of putting my needs before my child’s. For the next 3 days she was crying, having panic attacks, and saying because I didn’t know that it was wrong, how could she ever trust me again. I told her that I was very sorry and I understand now why that was a huge mistake. I also told her I will never do anything like that again. Nothing seems to help. It does not seem like she can get over it. What should I do now?

[ThunderHorse]

My wife and I are in our mid 30s and have a perfect 5-½ year old girl. We were at a NASCAR race and my daughter and I were looking for my wife (I think. It was a while ago so I don’t remember why it was just my daughter and I). The place was mobbed so I made sure to hold my daughters hand the whole time. We came to the restrooms and I really had to go. The men’s room was packed, and a small line started to form. As I looked around, debating what to do, I herd someone say “Sir?” It was a woman in her early 50s with a staff shirt, a laminate hanging around her neck, and a waki-talky in her hand. She was dressed consistently with the other staff members at the event. She seemed to notice my dilemma and asked if it would help if I left my daughter with her while I use the men’s room. I said okay and told them both not to go any ware. When I came out less than a minute later, I said thank you very much and the woman replied that it was no problem and she smiled and said she understood.
When I told my wife this story months later she was in shock. She accused me of putting my needs before my child’s. For the next 3 days she was crying, having panic attacks, and saying because I didn’t know that it was wrong, how could she ever trust me again. I told her that I was very sorry and I understand now why that was a huge mistake. I also told her I will never do anything like that again. Nothing seems to help. It does not seem like she can get over it. What should I do now?

I made a good many similar mistakes earlier in my marriage, corresponding to the scenario you present. The Men’s Secrets book has two chapters on the importance of listening to your wife. Search Listen.

In earlier years of my marriage, I used to think that I could understand the logic of my wife. Now I believe that I am incapable of understanding my wife’s logic. But I listen to her unconditionally, for at least 15 minutes a day, and GIVE understanding, as best I can.

Do you ask your readers to agree that you were reasonable at NASCAR, and that your wife is unreasonable for her criticism of you?
When a wife is unreasonable, what are the additional levels of communication? I used to miss the aspect that my wife was asking for re-assurance and compliments. Search Compliments.

When my wife would criticize me, I would feel that I needed to respond indignantly, and explain the reasonableness of my position or actions. I missed the aspect that my wife was testing me, to see if I could handle adversity. The boring baroque Response of Suzette Elgin, is the appropriate response to accusations. Gibberish, babbling, compliments for her, will help her build her ego. My wife was asking for an ego-boost, with her critical remarks.

Whatever my wife wants to talk about, it is my view, that it is my job to listen to whatever topic she wishes to talk about. Sometimes my wife goes on about how I have had some adverse impact on our children. That is a topic that will probably recur, in one form or another, for the rest of our relationship. You may be hearing about this incident for some years to come. How can you be pleasant about her recounting this annoying story?

You don’t mention any phrases with which you try to express understanding to your wife. You don’t mention appreciation, for how security conscious your wife is about your daughter. Your wife has certainly been paying attention to the news stories, because unfortunate bedevilment befalls children practically every day, someplace in the world. The trick is to find ways in which your wife is RIGHT, not that her fears are unreasonably exaggerated.



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[socialdistortion]

Dear GIFF,

I think you f*cked up. You would have probably been better off if you slept with the security guard. It would be way more forgivable.

Social Distortion

[ThunderHorse]

Nothing seems to help. It does not seem like she can get over it. What should I do now?

The reality of Western culture is that a man with a 5 year old girl has a challenge to use public restrooms. Most rest rooms are either Male or Female. So going out in public with your five-year-old daughter, without your wife, is a challenge. If you are going to be out in public with your daughter for an extended time, the situation of strategizing for your daughter will inevitably recur.

I have had to use some creative solutions when my daughter was growing up. I may have asked a Mcdonalds cashier to watch her at the counter, while I used the bathroom. I may have asked a stranger, a lady, to take my daugter into the Ladies room.

If you have a hotel room, you can come back to the hotel room. They make adult diapers, if that would make your wife more comfortable. Perhhaps the ideal would be a Public family bathroom, with an outer room, with a locking door for the outer room, and a lacking door for the innter room, where the toilet could be.

The problem is not only for daughters. A single mother recently asked me to help her with her son, who was about 4 years old. Her son was taking a long time, and she asked me to check on him. He was just taking more time to go than usual.

Single parenting of young children has challenges.


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[driversed4love]

GIFFF, I feel for you because you seem sincere and regretful. I understand the details of your situation. These days, you can never be too careful with your children, so I see where your wife is coming from. You made a poor decision, but thankfully your little girl is completely fine and you two can grow and learn from this.

I know your wife seemed very upset with you, but she was very afraid for her child. Fear can be a very powerful thing. Apologizing is really great, but I think your wife would very much appreciate feeling fully heard. Be sure to feedback how your behavior impacted her, and how you understand that your decision made her feel scared in a very serious way. Take responsibility for your actions and work together to develop some new ground rules. She probably thinks that what you did was against common sense, but what has been done cannot be changed. In the spirit of creating new possibilities and working as a team, there must be acknowledging and forgiveness.

It’s been almost a week since you posted… so hopefully you two have experienced resolution already. If not, it may just take a little while to earn her trust back. Just remain consistent in looking out for your child’s safety, and be sure to share with her how you are being really conscious about caring for your child. Show her that you have definitely learned from the experience, and that you really recognize the effect it had on her.

Be patient with her. You cannot force someone to forgive… just continue to be strong, positive and loving. Good luck and please post an update!