I'm lost and feel very alone

[Maeya321]

My husband and I have been married for 5 years in November. It has been a roller coaster of emotional upheaval throughout most of our marriage. We have a 3 1/2 yr old daughter and I am 6 months pregnant. While I have my faults and I freely admit to them I cannot seem to please my husband no matter what I do. He claims that I willfully refuse to do the "few small things" he asks, while I am sure I do. He wants a clean home, while admittedly not the best housekeeper in the world I manage to keep things clean. It is not good enough for him and he constantly criticizes my efforts. He wants dinner every night, something with meat. I was raised vegetarian, and while I have "converted" I still don't like a huge meal at night, preferring my big meal at breakfast. I have adjusted to his desires here making meals designed with him in mind. Example: Sunday homemade from scratch pizza with ground beef, pepperoni, green peppers, etc. Monday: Haddock Chowder with homemade cornbread, Tuesday: Steak tips with tortollinni and green beans, Wednesday: Steak Chilli and soft rolls. While I do love cooking I don't like feeling like I HAVE to make these elaborate meals every night. If I make something simple or from a pre-packaged meal like Betty Crooker meals or something I get nothing but complaints. That is one example.
Another: I do all his laundry including all his ironing. Since his job requires he dress in a suit and tie daily there is a lot. I just started working part time so I haven't had the time at home lately to keep up with the laundry on a daily basis like I did. Big complaints about that. While he tells me often that he would do it himself, he makes it clear that if he did our marriage would be over.
Another: He demands (no, not overstating) that I do not contradict him when punishing our daughter. While I agree with this in most forms he can be very cold and cruel at times. Last night she was having trouble going to sleep, which is normal, and he burst into her room and told her to go to sleep. She burst into tears and said "Daddy you hurt my feelings" he had no sympathy. Granted I wasn't in the room, but he said something along the lines of I don't care about your feelings and to suck it up. Did I mention he is a former marine? This is something he's always telling her and something I don't agree with. She's 3. As he was saying this to her I said his name in a quiet voice to remind him to think about what he was saying and he did. He didn't apologize but he did say more appropriate things. When he came out of her room he turned on me like a dog after a squirrel and started yelling at me about how I don't respect him and how he's told me over and over not to contradict him and I sat there in complete shock. He kept screaming at me and calling me the most awful names and then blamed me for getting him in that state. I was not responding very much although I did try to yell back since in my experiencce of our years together it is the only thing that will get him to back off. If I am louder. But this is very very stressful to me and being very pregnant I started having stress induced BH contractions. So he was yelling at me that I was giving him a heart attack and I said he needed to leave me alone unless he wanted me to lose the baby. He hasn't spoken to me since and that was last night. He left before we woke up this morning and didn't return or answer any of my calls during the day. Walked through the door and greeted Jordan, totally ignoring me. I made spaghetti since I didn't know when he would be home. He walked the dog, and all the other stuff he does completely ignoring me. He's spoken to me once to ask if the dog was fed. This is a different type of stress and it is affecting me physically. I tried to speak to him but after being ignored decided it was better to let sleeping dogs lie. I don't know what he's thinking - but he has said several times in the heat of anger and again last night that he is only going to stay in this marriage until 6 months after the baby is born and then he's done. He claims that I have given him all this stress and raised his blood pressure so that he has to take medication. Again, I am not perfect but I never try to cause him stress. I think we much just be too different. I can never predict him. He is always right, no matter what and any questioning of him is disrespectful.

Honestly I've been depressed about this for a long time and have stayed because I felt it best for our daughter. Honestly though this spring I was done. Then we had sex once in like 4 months and bam I"m pregnant. That is the only reason we aren't separated now. We have tried to make it work since but it just seems to spiral downward. I had begun to think things were working out until last night. Apparently I was dead wrong. I'm completely lost now and don't know what to do. Hormones aren't helping.

[ThunderHorse]

There are several dynamics, and one part is that your husband is verbally abusive to you.

Since your husband has served teh Western countires in the US Marine Corp., I would like to first thank you husband for having taken risks, and made sacrifices. to serve a larger society, for peace.

You do not mention the dynamics of verbal abuse. Suzette Elgin has a number of books, and there are a number of posts on this forum discussing the dynamics of verbal abuse.

The proper responses ar counter-intuitive, so without this knowledge, you are not doing your part to help your husband stop being abusive. It is not your fault that he is abusive. No spouse is suposed to be abusive. But there are some fairly siple thing you can do, in response to abuse, call the "boring baroque response."

You first need to realize that your faults do not cause his abuse. There are some references later.

The current atmosphere makes marital relations difficult, but that is an important secret to improving your marriage.

The Mommy of 3 thread linked below has references to parenting DVD's and strategies.

My wife and I always got along better after watching a parenting video, or attending a parenting class. Sorry for your feeling down, but there are some simple things you can do that will most likely make things better.




THE SECRETS OF HAPPILY MARRIED WOMEN, HOW TO GET MORE OUT OF YOUR RELATIONSIP BY DOING LESS, 2008, BY Haltzman and DiGeronimo
Table of Contents:
1. Know Your Husband
2. Nurture His Needs - and Yours
3. Fight Better
4. Talk Less
5. Have Lots of Sex
6. Take Charge of Your Own Happiness
7. Heal Thyself






Threads on responding to verbal abuse from a spouse.

Post No 2 and 9 deal with suggestions for a wife to deal with verbal abuse from a husband
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ight=abuse

List of Secrets threads on verbal abuse before April 18, 2010
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ight=abuse

Second post on this thread lists other threads and references on Verbal Abuse:
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ight=abuse

Recent thread on Verbal abuse, with references, Second Post to Husband who was abusive, but whose wife has turned abusive.
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ight=abuse









//

[ThunderHorse]

My husband and I have been married for 5 years in November. It has been a roller coaster of emotional upheaval throughout most of our marriage. Hormones aren't helping.

The reference to the thread in my earlier post was partly incorrect. Here is an updated reference:

VERBAL ABUSE THREADS

Post No 2 provides suggestions for a wife to deal with verbal abuse from a husband. Post No 12 discusses incorporating Compliments into blithering pleasantries in response to spousal abuse.
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ight=abuse

[ThunderHorse]

My husband and I have been married for 5 years in November. It has been a roller coaster of emotional upheaval throughout most of our marriage. We have a 3 1/2 yr old daughter and I am 6 months pregnant. While I have my faults and I freely admit to them I cannot seem to please my husband no matter what I do. He claims that I willfully refuse to do the "few small things" he asks, while I am sure I do.

I just started working part time so I haven't had the time at home lately to keep up with the laundry on a daily basis like I did. Big complaints about that. While he tells me often that he would do it himself, he makes it clear that if he did our marriage would be over.
Another: He demands (no, not overstating) that I do not contradict him when punishing our daughter. While I agree with this in most forms he can be very cold and cruel at times. Last night she was having trouble going to sleep, which is normal, and he burst into her room and told her to go to sleep. She burst into tears and said "Daddy you hurt my feelings" he had no sympathy. Granted I wasn't in the room, but he said something along the lines of I don't care about your feelings and to suck it up. Did I mention he is a former marine? This is something he's always telling her and something I don't agree with. She's 3. As he was saying this to her I said his name in a quiet voice to remind him to think about what he was saying and he did. He didn't apologize but he did say more appropriate things. When he came out of her room he turned on me like a dog after a squirrel and started yelling at me

. I don't know what he's thinking - but he has said several times in the heat of anger and again last night that he is only going to stay in this marriage until 6 months after the baby is born and then he's done. He claims that I have given him all this stress and raised his blood pressure so that he has to take medication. Again, I am not perfect but I never try to cause him stress. I think we much just be too different. I can never predict him. He is always right, no matter what and any questioning of him is disrespectful.

Honestly I've been depressed about this for a long time and have stayed because I felt it best for our daughter. Honestly though this spring I was done. Then we had sex once in like 4 months and bam I"m pregnant. That is the only reason we aren't separated now. We have tried to make it work since but it just seems to spiral downward. I had begun to think things were working out until last night. Apparently I was dead wrong. I'm completely lost now and don't know what to do. Hormones aren't helping.

It seems that one of the issues is that your husband speaks to you and your daughter in anger. Then he balmes his anger on others, and does not take responsiblity for his actions.

Have you asked your husband to get Anger Management Training? Does he have other family members who could assist you in getting your husband help, so he will yell in an angry manner, less frequently?


There may be some assistance available from the VA. Possibly as part of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD

There may be books at a library on how to manage Anger.

ANGER MANAGEMENT
Dewey Library 152.4

Google “Anger Management” for the locality of interest. There are some therapists who offer a course in Anger Mangement, either for groups, or for couples or individuals.

Increased results can be achieved if a couple takes the course, or therapy, together. One of the basic principles of Anger Management therapy is to find shades of gray in issues, instead of right or wrong, helps diffuse anger, and put issues in a more realistic perspective.

Examining choices of roles people make in choosing to express Anger, or in refraining from expressing their feelings.

Other skills sometimes taught as part of Anger Management include, Active listening, Empathizing, Asking Questions, “I Feel” statements, Looking or ways to partly agree, and considering Ego.

Minimizing Negative Communication, such as blaming, nagging, denial, and ridicule.




//

[ThunderHorse]

My husband and I have been married for 5 years in November. It has been a roller coaster of emotional upheaval throughout most of our marriage. We have a 3 1/2 yr old daughter and I am 6 months pregnant. While I have my faults and I freely admit to them I cannot seem to please my husband no matter what I do. .

Perhaps the situation can be thought of in terms of criticism as separated from Anger. Criticism comes with marriage. But crticism can be made in the form of polite suggestions.

Expressing criticism as Anger, frequently, is abusive, and should be addressed. The expression of Anger can be yelling, speaking in a derisive tone of voice, angry silence, or angry facial expressions. Anger management strategies mentioned in the above post might be appropriate

The expression of criticism, can be dealt with as an issue to be negotiated, for timing, intensity, frequency, etc.

Another part of the downward spiral is that after criticism and angry expressions, the mood for marital relations is lost, which sometimes leads to the spouse with anger issues, to have more frustration, and more of a tendency to become anger at smaller and smaller things. Finding an opportunity to take a positive step in the mostly downward spiral, is difficult, and challengeing even when there is an opportunity. Finding steps that will reduce stress might be an objective, even if fully procreative activities are not occuring.







//

[ThunderHorse]

My husband and I have been married for 5 years in November. It has been a roller coaster of emotional upheaval throughout most of our marriage. We have a 3 1/2 yr old daughter and I am 6 months pregnant.


. He hasn't spoken to me since and that was last night. He left before we woke up this morning and didn't return or answer any of my calls during the day. Walked through the door and greeted Jordan, totally ignoring me. I made spaghetti since I didn't know when he would be home. He walked the dog, and all the other stuff he does completely ignoring me. He's spoken to me once to ask if the dog was fed. This is a different type of stress and it is affecting me physically. I tried to speak to him but after being ignored decided it was better to let sleeping dogs lie. .

Emotions are part of being human, and marriages will have occasional iupheavals.

One strategy described in the INTIMATE ENEMY books, and elewhere, is to have a pre-arranged chilliong out process. Not knowing where your spouse is, can be a source of stress, or even the expression of Anger. Therefore, having a pre-arranged locaton for cooling down, or process for taking a few hours out, or over-night, can alllow a spouse time to re-gain composure, and express unhappiness in a more constructive manner, than simply disappearing.

Also, times to be at home, but not talking for a whicle, is something that can be pre-arranged, to minimize hurt feelings. Giving a spouse space, is sometimes good judgement.



//

[ThunderHorse]

My husband and I have been married for 5 years in November. It has been a roller coaster of emotional upheaval throughout most of our marriage. We have a 3 1/2 yr old daughter and I am 6 months pregnant. .

I was reviewing the Fight Better chapter of The Secrets of Happily Married Women. There are a number of detailed suggestions, that might be of help to you.

One principle is to avoid fights, by anticipating conflict, and discussing the issue, before a bigger fight erupts.

Another principle is that Parenting is a big issue in many marriages. So addressing differences on marriage issues, like how your daughther should be treated when she has trouble going to sleep. Many parents have faced that challenge, and there are probably chapters in books, the could serve as a discussion starter.

Another principle is Making Up after a fight. There are some suggestions for avoiding prolonged bad feelings.

Another is that husbands often fight by attacking first, and then withdrawing second. So understanding this pattern, gives the signs of signals of openings to reduce tension, and make up.

The Secrets of Happily Married Women book is not discussed much on this forum. Maybe because once a wife reads the book, she doesn't need to post anymore problems.




//