Trying to save my relationship

[Tyler]

New to this forum I am desperate to save the woman I love so much from leaving. We are in our mid 40's and she is not yet out of a previous marriage. The problem we are having is with intimacy. When things are good we make love 5-8 times a week. Sometimes hours apart. Because I do not pursue her sexually that much she feels like I do not desire her. Several months ago she found I had been looking at porn online. I'm not a bad man but this made her feel very bad. Like I was looking for something else instead of her. I even lied about it which was a bad mistake. I was very embarrassed over it and she was very upset. I also have a lot of bad headaches. I especially get them after an orgasm and often during love making. This has caused problems to. So again,she feels like it is her. She is the most beautiful woman I know and no one else comes close to how I feel and desire this woman. She feels like I dont desire her sexually but nothing could be farther from the truth. Sometimes it's difficult to make love 3 times a day or 5-6 times in a weekend. I dont want her to feel like this and I have told her my feelings for her but she does not believe me. I am getting help for the headaches but I need her in my life to be whole. And I want her to feel whole to. I would appreciate any help on this. Thank you.[/b]

[ThunderHorse]

I am desperate to save the woman I love so much from leaving. She is the most beautiful woman I know and no one else comes close to how I feel and desire this woman. Thank you.[/b]

How are your listening skills? Do you give her 15 min a day of unconditional venting time?


LISTENING


1. When someone has said something, try repeating back what you heard. Then ask, “Did I get that right?”

2. If you heard wrong, seek clarification.

3. If you heard right, ask if there’s anything else the speaker would like to share.

4. Continue to seek clarification until the speaker says he or she feels heard.

5. Finally summarize what you heard. By then, if you have a different point of view, the person you are talking to it will be open to hear it.
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... highlight=
3rd post



8th Post Down 15 Min Listening
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ght=listen

2nd Post Down 15 Min Listening
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ght=listen

3rd Post Down, Gives some phrases for a husband to be encouraging wife to talk.
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ght=listen

Husband has wife who says she hates him, Listening discussed:
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ght=listen

Post 2, 7 and 12 discuss the Love diet of offering to listen several times a day, even when your wife is usually not interested in talking,
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... light=diet










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[socialdistortion]

Dear Tyler,

Let me get this straight. You are dating a woman (who is still technically married to someone else). She wants more sex (which you refuse to initiate). You complain about headaches (possibly caused from sex). She caught you watching pornography (which is something you rarely do). She feels you do not desire her sexually (despite multiple daily sexual encounters). Is that right?

SxDx

[Tyler]

I am always willing to sit down and talk about whatever is bothering her. I thought I did okay listening but maybe not. She is moving out still. I feel devastated.

[ThunderHorse]

I am always willing to sit down and talk about whatever is bothering her. I thought I did okay listening but maybe not. She is moving out still. I feel devastated.

I personally try to keep up my listening and complimenting skills. I have confidence that if my current marriage fails, that I will still be able to have a meaningful relationship with another woman, in the future.

What has been your response to her talking about moving out? Have you argued with her, or pleaded with her? Can you try some active listening skills? "Certainly anyone can sometimes feel like giving up." "You are certainly attractive and energetic, and many men would be pleased to spend some time with you."



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[Tyler]

Dear Tyler,

Let me get this straight. You are dating a woman (who is still technically married to someone else). She wants more sex (which you refuse to initiate). You complain about headaches (possibly caused from sex). She caught you watching pornography (which is something you rarely do). She feels you do not desire her sexually (despite multiple daily sexual encounters). Is that right?

SxDx

LOL,crazy sounding aint it? I dont refuse to initiate I just dont do it often enough (sex). She has pursued her divorce for nearly a year and it is just dragging out. I've had these headaches for over a year. I started getting them after I did an exercise wrong ( I guess). I have an appointment to get looked at. I had looked at the porn that one time and she found out. No,I dont look at porn now or in a long time. Years ago I did. It gets old and I dont miss it one bit.

We ended up in a bad fight after she had been drinking some. She does not have a problem with it,but has a problem IF she drinks. We ended up in court and she was found guilty of hitting me and she was very truthful about everything. She will have to go to domestic violence classes and I think it will do a world of good for us both. Years ago I had to go when I told my X wife I would "spank her". The meetings are very informative. We are still together and she has been very regretful over the whole ordeal. We talk a lot and I think I do a pretty good job listening. She does to. I may not always understand but I really do try. She has cried a lot over it all and I tell her not to beat herself up over it. We are a strong couple overall. I think these few steps backwards will help us take several steps forward.

Thanks all who posted offering help.

[ThunderHorse]

[quote="TylerWe ended up in a bad fight after she had been drinking some. She does not have a problem with it,but has a problem IF she drinks. We ended up in court and she was found guilty of hitting me and she was very truthful about everything. She will have to go to domestic violence classes and I think it will do a world of good for us both. Years ago I had to go when I told my X wife I would "spank her". The meetings are very informative. We are still together and she has been very regretful over the whole ordeal. We talk a lot and I think I do a pretty good job listening. She does to. I may not always understand but I really do try. She has cried a lot over it all and I tell her not to beat herself up over it. We are a strong couple overall. I think these few steps backwards will help us take several steps forward.

Thanks all who posted offering help.[/quote]


Glad to hear things are stable, or maybe even looking up.

Here is a link to a thread that includes discussions of Anger, Anger Management, and verbal/physical abuse:

http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ight=anger

Post 3, 4. 5 and 6





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[socialdistortion]

LOL,crazy sounding aint it?

Dear Tyler,

Glad to see you can have a sense of humor in this serious situation. Crazy yes, but whatever works. I am glad to hear you both working so hard on sorting this out. Something you might be interested in reading… http://drhaltzman.blogspot.com/search?u ... -results=7

Good luck,

Social Distortion

Ps- “Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit” http://thewordguy.wordpress.com/2009/09 ... 6z%C9%99m/

[understand224]

Dear Tyler

Let me see if I understand this correctly, the girl you love feels that sex is a way to show u desirer her. She feels that if you don’t want to have sex it means you don’t want her. You do desire her but don’t always want to have sex. Then one day she found porn on your computer and now her self-esteem is very low because in her eyes this shows that you are looking for something else instead of her. But in reality you find her to be the most beautiful girl and love her so much. I am in a similar predicament as you are. I love my boyfriend very much but he always wants to have sex. If I chose not to have sex he feels like I think he is ugly or that I am seeing someone else. It hurts me that he feels that way and would think like that when he is my world.
In my psychology class I learned that for a woman the connection between intimacies is more important than it is for the man. I also learned that anxiety and low self-esteem for a woman is expected after a divorce. And according to Sternberg’s triangular theory of love, intimacy plays a very important role to have the ultimate love “consummate love”. What I learned is that it really helped me with this problem and that good communication enhances satisfaction in a relationship.
You are probably wondering how this helps you. Well the next time you’re going to have sex with your girlfriend make it more romantic. One way is to put more effort in fulfilling her needs and making her feel like she is your world. A woman always loves the reassurance that she is important in her mans’ life. Show her how you really feel rather than just telling her. Actions speak louder than words. Also do things to show her how beautiful she is and how much you love her other than sex. This will show her that she don’t have to have sex with you to feel beautiful. Doing things like giving her flowers every once in a while or small things like texting her in the middle of the day just to tell her you love her and was thinking about her. The last thing you should do is tell her how you feel during sex. Sit her down and explain to her how you sometimes get headaches during sexual activity.

[carlwalters739]

Just always think that your gonna life with your partner forever. Breaking up is never an option

[davidwarn123]

thanks

[bbotelho94]

So basically the problem in this relationship is that your wife feels she is not desirable to sexy enough for you. I understand you have "side effects" after having sex. The major problem at hand is you need to figure out what it is you can do other than sex to please your wife in a way to make to happy and feel she is the only one for you.

According to Dr. Haltzman, " Sex is not the overriding factor in either marital happiness or marital disstress. And while in most cases women want a romantic experience and men want sex, there are many steps to take while making both parties happy." A relationship is not all about sex, your wife just does not feel wanted or sexy and you need to find a way to please your wife and make her happy if thats all she wants. Dr. Haltzman also says, " Being a happily married hustband means regularly and consistently demonstrating your love to your wife." As stated its not all about the sex and your wife needs to realize that too.

This advice applies to you because you and your wife have a lot of talking to do. Its not only your problem but its hers too. Not only did she find you looking at porn in the past but it hurts her to know you get headaches after sex she feels unwanted, and unloved. It hurts to know you could look at porn and not please your wife with her sexual desires. Not only does she want some attention but she wants the intimacy she felt before.

I advice you and your wife to have a talk about how you feel and how she feels and maybe figure out something you both could do to please each one of you to have a healthy and happy relationship. I would also consult with a doctor maybe there is something other than talk and understanding you could do to help your wife with her desires.
I hope this helps and good luck!

[jwhitwam]

Dear Tyler,
Everything about your relationship except the sex is fine? You have sex 5 to 8 times a week but don’t pursue her that much? She wants you to go after her. You lied about viewing porn after she caught you and now thinks that she isn’t good enough and you need to go elsewhere for satisfaction? You say you get headaches during and after intercourse and she feels as if this is all of her fault? Even though she doesn’t believe you when you tell her your feelings for her but you need her in your life to be whole?
It doesn’t seem that this problem should be too big to fix. Dr. Haltzman says that “Women want to feel intimacy, closeness, romance, relationship to help them feel “in the mood.” For women, good sex is as much emotional as physical. Men should use conversation to learn about their wife’s needs. Let her know you just want to understand her feelings about sex. Being romantic just to get sex doesn’t work for women.” Just sharing your feelings with her clearly isn’t enough. She needs that sexual reinforcement to go with it.
Instead of talking the talk you need to walk the walk. Men tend to need visualization in sex while women are the opposite and are more turned on by emotions and feeling connected to her partner. She wants to feel the intimacy and romance that you two had felt before this. Learn to express your feelings in other ways besides words.
What you could try doing is start by doing small romantic things to show her how much you care and love her. Stop watching porn and show her that you are making an effort to focus only on her. Consult a doctor about what is giving you headaches and fix that before anything else. This may allow you to enjoy the experience more and in turn she will as well. Good luck and I hope everything works out for the best.

[helpful eyes]

The problem you are having is that your wife does not feel like you want her sexually or find her attractive enough to want to have sex with her. You also have headaches that cause pain during and after intercourse, which could prevent the body to want to get excited knowing that after it does pain will arise. The main thing now is how to control the amount of sex you and your partner wants while maintaining a good health without having the headaches.

Although you have frequent sex, she still does not feel like you find her attractive and wants to move out. A relationship is not all about sex and although you are having frequent sex she wants more. According to Dr. Haltzman, “What I noticed about the men's movement, is that men LOVE women. They genuinely, deeply, passionately think women are wonderful creatures…they are intrigued by women and relish the role the women play in their lives." Getting her to understand your love is more important than the actual aspect of intercourse.

In this case, showing her how you genuinely, deeply, and passionately think of her should be a starting point of which you can branch outward to get more ideas. She feels like you guys are not having enough sex but it is uncomfortable, if not painful, for you but she still urges and complains to you about it. Finding a healthy middle ground in which you are both happy is the key to success here.

I think you should try taking her out more, do more romantic gestures to show your passion for her has not diminished. Yes, sex is a good and close way to show someone your passion, but so is going on adventures that surprise and thrill both of you. You should also tell her how much pain you receive from having intercourse via headaches if you have not done so yet. This should help her understand why you are not as sexually aggressive as she is and hopefully will provide some support for you guys to get your footing back in the relationship. I hope all works out for you and best of luck!