jealous of co-worker

jealous of co-worker

Postby memenendez » Sat Mar 05, 2011 2:33 am

Over the course of our marriage of 18 months, and dating for 6 months, my wife and I have had several trust issues that I have been the cause of. The catalyst of these trust issues was her previous husband, but I made many of the same mistakes he did early on. Some of my previous mistakes had been myspace women surfing, pornography, and once a flirtatious comment online.

This launched huge suspicions into my phone, computer, and everyday conversations with co-workers. I understand that I caused this, and dealt with every confrontation it caused. From shortly before we married she had trust issues with me, but we got married anyway and now have a 9 month old son.

Our latest confrontation, which has both of us at a breaking point, is over a co-worker that has needed a ride to work every workday for a month. The first time I drove this girl, my wife told me that she had a problem with it, but didnt ask me to not continue driving her (a month later she revealed thats when I should have stopped and I agree). I continued to pick her up and drop her off at work, where we both work in the same physical office.

I'm in the military so we are consistently told to watch out for one another. This situation had me divided between being a good soldier and being a good husband, at the time. Now I realize that she should just have gotten someone else to drive her instead of risking my already extremely fragile marriage.

I told my wife that I would stop driving her after a week, but she said it would be okay, if:

* I told her the night before whether I was driving the other woman the next day.
* I told her everytime I drove the other woman.
* I told her every detail of every conversation I had with this or any other woman.
* and she must meet the other girl. (tho everytime I invited her to something fun ((superbowl, hockey game, out drinking)), the girl bailed which made our relationship look even more suspicious)

Foolishly I agreed, and failed miserably several times over the next few weeks. After failing this agreement twice in two days, she became very serious about leaving me and taking our son so that I would never find either of them.

Apologizing does nothing as my word now means nothing to her. Promising not to ever let the other girl in the car and actually doing this made an unnoticable difference, but proved to her undoubtedly that my wife means more. She feels betrayed for another woman, tired of me breaking promises, and surely exhausted of feeling this way for so long.

I deploy in a month with this other woman to a combat zone. My wife needs to be able to trust me gone for a year with this woman, which seems impossible to both of us. She has given me the opportunity to make this right, but I have no idea how. Roses, love notes, and telling her I love her and how much she means to me will do nothing to solve this.

I need a real solution. Not a quick fix. The trust we need is going to take a long time for me to earn back, but the problem right now is how to resolve THIS one. Thank you.
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Postby ThunderHorse » Sat Mar 05, 2011 2:17 pm

Thank you for your service to the Western world, through the Military.

Here are some ideas, but the answers to your situation may take some work.

Agreemets can be renegotiated, so regretting a prior agreement with your wife, seems misplaced. What phrases can you use to re-approach the negotiation? "I know I promised, A, but upon reflection it seems we could come up with a more workable arrangement."

You mention confrotations, when your wife brings up the concept of other women. It seems that getting defensive, is part of the sequence, and your emotinal response creates a cycle that has emotional rewards.

Husbands should have some phrases thought out in advance, about how to smoothly handle the questions about possibilities of other women.

Personally, I have some rules I follow, that keep me from creating expectations from other women. So I can recite my rules, for keeping my relations with other women on a professional level.

My rules are avoiding telling any other woman anything less than positive about my wife. I try not to sit with the same woman on the bus two days in a row. If there is a woman who knows my wife, I will sit with my wife's respectful friend. I don't go places without telling my wife where I am going.

Your wife seems like she may be using another woman as an excuse to become verbally abusive to you. You do not mention the counter-intuitive concepts of handling verbal abuse.

Post No 2 provides suggestions for a wife to deal with verbal abuse from a husband. Post No 12 discusses incorporating Compliments into blithering pleasantries in response to spousal abuse. ... ight=abuse

List of Secrets threads on verbal abuse before April 18, 2010 ... ight=abuse

Second post on this thread lists other threads and references on Verbal Abuse: ... ight=abuse

Recent thread on Verbal abuse, with references, Second Post to Husband who was abusive, but whose wife has turned abusive. ... ight=abuse

Compliments for husbands to give wives during blithering Boring Baroque responses to Verbal abuse: ... .php?t=477

Can you post more ideas for compliments for wives?

You do not mention your unconditonal listening skills, and your level of success in getting your wife to vent 15 min per day? Why can't you encourage your wife to vent about her ideas about other women?

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Joined: Mon Jul 31, 2006 6:10 pm

Postby socialdistortion » Sat Mar 05, 2011 11:18 pm

Dear Memenendez,

The solution is obvious; you need to cut off all contact with this person outside of necessary work related situations. You need to tell her without explanation that you can no longer drive her to or from work. You freely admit that you don’t have the best history of being a trusted mate. The best prediction of a person’s future behavior is his past behavior. Give your wife a break. She is right, you are wrong.

Good luck,

Social Distortion
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Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2010 8:20 am

Postby socialdistortion » Sat Mar 05, 2011 11:25 pm

Thunderhorse wrote-
I try not to sit with the same woman on the bus two days in a row.

I like this. This is very good advice.

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Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2010 8:20 am

Duty to God, Country, or wife?

Postby Scott Haltzman » Sun Mar 06, 2011 8:08 pm

Speaking as a marriage educator: Yes, you are supposed to help a buddy out in the military, but when you help out a buddy that in any way could be seen as an object of attraction to you, then you can be sure that your wife will (rightfully) get concerned.
You yourself may not feel the least bit of an attraction, but if your wife is worried, just find a guy to car pool with and accept that you are doing your wife a big favor by keeping your distance.
Scott Haltzman
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Joined: Fri Jan 20, 2006 9:30 pm
Location: Barrington, RI

Re: jealous of co-worker

Postby ThunderHorse » Mon Mar 07, 2011 4:16 pm

memenendez wrote:Foolishly I agreed, and failed miserably several times over the next few weeks.

I Started a related thread under Communications, Re-Opening Negotiations. ... .php?t=578

Other posts have suggested that you take concrete steps to reduce situations giving rise to the jealousy felt by your wife, and I have tried to make some suggestions along those lines also. I do not suggest that Re-Opening Negotiations is the total answer to your situation.

I do suggest speaking to your wife in a calm manner, encouraging her to express all her feelings. Either spouse can take steps to avoid a confrontational tone of discussion.

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Re: jealous of co-worker

Postby bwg22 » Mon Dec 05, 2011 9:42 pm

There seems to be the big problem of jealousy in your marriage of 18 months and 6 months of dating prior to that. Jealousy is a major problem in a relationship because relationships are based on trust. If there are trust issues in a relationship then all issues down the line in the relationship will relate back to the trust issue. Technology seems to play a role in the relationship issue as well.
Dr. Scott Haltzman says, “ Married people must put marital happiness first, considering how their actions and desires affect their partner rather than pursing personal happiness as their priority.” This means that no matter what married people must put all other things going on in their lives aside and tend to their marriage. In order to over come the jealousy factor in your relationship you must tend to your partner’s needs before your own. If that means you must give up your cell phone or computer then that is what it takes and it must be done to show your commitment.
If i was in your position then there are a few different thing that I would do in order to show some sort of commitment or trust. the first thing that I would do in order to show some commitment is grant full access to your cell phone. That should show some commitment to your partner. the finally thing I would do is give your partner your e-mail address username and password and do that for your other social network sites as well. That would be the ultimate way to show trust.
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