Separated husband

Separated husband

Postby Liz » Wed Mar 09, 2011 2:57 pm

Hi, I am very new to this sort of thing, however to get the story out, my husband of 11 years married, 22 years together left just over 4 months ago saying that he was not happy and needed some space. Didn't know there was a problem, but let him leave, as I love him, and wanted to help. We have 5 children, 20 years down to 3 years.

There is nobody else involved, he is not happy with me, I guess I became too overpowering, controlling in the house. Having read Scotts book, I have realised how he must have been feeling. We still talk fairly often, he comes up to spend the day with us all during the weekend. We have been intimate several times since he left, but he doesn't want to come home. I don't think he believes that I can change or that it will be any different.

My question, how do I reach my husband to let him know that in fact, I have done alot of soul searching, have changed, and I really want this marriage to work.

How do I show him, that he is the most important thing, and that we could have the best marriage ever.

Would really appreciate all the help I can get. Have read the books Divorce Busting, and also doing Mort Fertel's program.
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Postby ThunderHorse » Sat Mar 12, 2011 10:05 am

What aspects of respect are you giving? What can you imporove or expand?

List of threads discussing Chairs.

Chairs, Need/Desires of men from women

Here are some “Chairs” search results form the Secrets Forum

Post near the end of the thread, wife not experiencing passion in marital relations ... ght=chairs

Post 2 and further on, Wife feels she is doing everything right in the marriage, and household, but husband does not like to engage in conversation, and does not really like to be at home. ... ght=chairs

Last Post Page 1, Wife asks how to get more from her marriage, and what is important to husbands in marriage. Has COUPLE words outlined. ... ght=chairs

3rd post. Attractive wife with 3 children complains that her husband has lost interest in marital relations. Couple Word headings ... ght=chairs

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Postby Happinessoneday » Tue Aug 30, 2011 11:49 am

It sounds to me like things are already headed in the right direction. It seems that he spends a lot of time with you and his family which is a good thing. There is really no need to say anything about the change you've made, actions speak way louder than words. He'll see the change in you without your having to say a thing.

One mistake I think you are making, however, is the fact that you are being intimate with him. You are basically giving him all the rewards of being a married couple but you are living apart. I would withhold the intimacy if I were you. I know it will be difficult, but if his living away from you should not be rewarded with wonderful things like intimacy.
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Re: Separated husband

Postby justmakeaneffort » Tue Nov 22, 2011 8:32 am

Dear Liz,
Convincing someone that they are in fact the most important thing in our life is one of the hardest things a person tries to accomplish. Marriage is one of the most sacred bonds two people can share and when something comes between that it could be a long journey to fix it. You should be proud of yourself for realizing that you have changed after taking sometime to yourself and realized that there was room for improvement. I understand where you are coming from, in my last relationship I was a little controlling and things ended badly between my boyfriend and myself. I took some time and realized I was in the wrong and made some changes. I can honestly say I am happier now than I have ever been. My question for you is have you taken the time or attempted to talk to you husband? Have you tired having a heart to heart with him and open the doors for communication?
In my psychology class we just learned about marriage. To help reinforce her points, my professor; Dr. M, introduced us to Dr. Scott Haltzman and his ideas on finding and maintaining happiness in marriage. I’m sure you have heard of Dr. Scott’s book Secrets of Happily Married Women. One of the key points Dr. Scott makes is to know your husband. One way to meet your husband’s needs is to use your womanly abilities to improve the connection between you and your husband and your husband will respond. You want to know that you are making him happy and he wants to know that he is making you happy. When you are both positive about who you are you are more motivated to do more for each other. Another point Dr. Scott makes is to fight better. Dr. Scott says “first let your husband know, in detail, what you need. Second, use your communication skills to help solve problems.” When you are talking with your husband be straight forward and honest. Don’t add unnecessary details that could be misinterpreted. When you are your husband work together to solve problems you both should be asking questions and feedback on what happened and what could be done to fix the situation and keep it from happening again. Be there for each other and be on the same team, don’t be enemies and turn against each other.
You should be proud of yourself for realizing that you had a problem and that you needed to change for the better. It takes courage not only to want to change but to in fact change your lifestyle and what you’re used to doing. Now that you are changing you need to continue to fight for what you want; you husband. The best advice that I can offer is that you should be open and honest with your husband and slowly take the steps to prove to him that you are a different person and that things will be different this time around. Maybe you and your husband could go on a weekend getaway just the two of you. Take that time to learn new things about each other that you may not have known before. You may find commonalties that will bring you closer. Or, maybe you and your husband should start by going out on dates again and rekindling your flame. Hopefully it’ll help you both realize what initially attracted you to each other when you first started dating. Just remember that commitment is “the decision and intent to maintain a relationship in spite of the difficulties and costs that may arise.” Make sure that both you and your husband understand that concept. I wish you the best of luck and hope things work out for you the way you want them to in the end.
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