I am ready to walk out

I am ready to walk out

Postby Flgirl » Tue May 10, 2011 1:13 am

'm a point where I am confused on whether I should stay in my marriage or leave. This is our second marriage and we both had 1 child prior. We no have 2 kids between us. Our issues are lengthy. First being how my husband treats my daughter, who lives with us. He makes her feel unwanted and unloved, always disciplining her for every mistake she makes.

Secondly, we have a huge communication problem. My husband tends to always change things around to make any problem we have for me to be the cause. According to him, I am not loving enough, I am not kind enough, I am not patient enough, in other words, I'm not good enough, no matter what. I have supported him in everything he has wanted to do. We have gone through some financial problems b/c of bad investments and him leaving his job to pursue his own business. Unfortunately, things didn't work out and we ended up filing bankruptcy. We have had arguments where he has pretty much blamed me for this.

My husband has not put any effort in getting to know me or even wanting to know me. Anniversaries, birthdays, Valentines Days, and mother's days have come and gone and the extent are some flowers, pretty much with the exception of a couple times. I asked him to buy me something of indulgence once in the beginning of our marriage and he told me no. I have never asked since. Other than an Ipod, I have no gifts that he has given me. It's not that I'm waiting for him to shower me with gifts but I feel he just doesn't care enough to give me a token of his love.

I have always put my kids and him before myself and my needs. I have learnt to cook food to match his customs, I have tried to change for him to love me, I have even changed how I dressed to please him. I feel no matter what I do, it's never enough. He has even told me that he can think of at least 100 different women who are better wives than I am. He is a talker. He preaches to me. He listens to a lot of self help gurus and books and then wants to enforce those ideas and principles on me so I can change. He really makes me feel inadequate to be his wife. I know that I get emotional and say mean things when I get angry but I feel like I am going crazy because he simply does not listen to me. He wants to always show me how I am wrong instead of listening to my feelings and what I need. He also speaks very rough with me and is very demanding of me. Whenever I try to tell him, he tells me to change first and then everything will be fine. He blames my family now. He says my family blames everyone else for their problems and makes others feel like outsiders. While my family may have issues, I don't think he needs to throw this in my face every time and think he needs to change them. He speaks rough, part of it is his nature, to my family as well to the point that some of them don't want to be around him and others are afraid to talk to him. He is ready to spend money on himself and treat himself but it's a very different story when it comes to me.

He is very strict with my daughter and is very lenient with his others. Our two kids can have anything but my daughter has to really earn and work for everything, even his love, which she still doesn't have. She just turned 5 when we got married and she calls him Daddy. She does not have much contact or interaction with her own dad and she craves my husband's love so much. I see the hurt and disappointment in her eyes whenever she tries to talk to him or play with him. My daughter has some issues with being rude and being more mature than her age and this is what he says he can't deal with. I don't have any problem with hims disciplining her, but he also needs to love and show her this.

I am just so tired of being his scapegoat and whenever I am hurt I turn to him for support, comfort, and love. Instead, he goes to bed, or shuns me away. Yet he says he loves me. I don't feel his love. Till today we had trust in our marriage which may have kept our marriage standing on one leg but an incident happened tonight where I'm questioning even that. He purchased something very expensive (A Tony Robbins seminar weekend) and told me he was "thinking" of going. I so happened to have his email account stored on my ipod and happened to look at it and realized he had already purchased it. We always agreed to discuss these things first. When he asked me how I knew, I told him I saw it on his email. He has since changed hi password. He checks my email all the time. I am so lost and confused.
Flgirl
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue May 10, 2011 1:10 am

Re: I am ready to walk out

Postby ThunderHorse » Tue May 10, 2011 11:45 pm

Flgirl wrote:'m a point where I am confused on whether I should stay in my marriage or leave. He listens to a lot of self help gurus and books and then wants to enforce those ideas and principles on me so I can change. He really makes me feel inadequate to be his wife. I know that I get emotional and say mean things when I get angry but I feel like I am going crazy because he simply does not listen to me. He wants to always show me how I am wrong instead of listening to my feelings and what I need. He also speaks very rough with me and is very demanding of me. Whenever I try to tell him, he tells me to change first and then everything will be fine. He blames my family now. I am so lost and confused.






You might ask for some unconditional listening time. Let him kknow you need to vent sometimes, maybe 15 minutes per day. Maybe make a calendar, and ask him once a week, letting him know that you need some spouting off time.


If your husband is overly critical to you, what is your response? What skills have you taught your daugter about handling unfair ciriticism?


The Boring Baroque Respons is hlepful to have in your range of responses. it takes practice and patience to develop the skills of blithering compliments.

Search Suzette Elgin



Your husband needs ego boosts also. You do not mention how you work to boost his ego.



//
ThunderHorse
 
Posts: 636
Joined: Mon Jul 31, 2006 6:10 pm

Postby ThunderHorse » Wed May 11, 2011 11:30 pm

You can coach your daughter to give ego boosts to your husband. You do not mention any sports teams or how you are surprised at his ideas of who is important in his estimations. How do you show respect his religious ideas?


What parenting books and tapes do you have on hand?

Tony Robbins is not evil. I have listened to one of his tape lecture series.

You do not mention coaching your daughter on how to handle harsh criticsm. This would be a useful skill for your daughter in real life.


THE SECRETS OF HAPPILY MARRIED WOMEN, HOW TO GET MORE OUT OF YOUR RELATIONSIP BY DOING LESS, 2008, BY Haltzman and DiGeronimo
Table of Contents:
1. Know Your Husband
2. Nurture His Needs - and Yours
3. Fight Better
4. Talk Less
5. Have Lots of Sex
6. Take Charge of Your Own Happiness
7. Heal Thyself



VERBAL ABUSE THREADS

Post No 2 provides suggestions for a wife to deal with verbal abuse from a husband. Post No 12 discusses incorporating Compliments into blithering pleasantries in response to spousal abuse.
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ight=abuse

List of Secrets threads on verbal abuse before April 18, 2010
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ight=abuse

Second post on this thread lists other threads and references on Verbal Abuse:
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ight=abuse

Recent thread on Verbal abuse, with references, Second Post to Husband who was abusive, but whose wife has turned abusive.
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ight=abuse




Thunderhorse discusses his desires for wife to understand him, and boost his ego.

http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ht=couples




List of threads discussing Chairs.






Chairs, Need/Desires of men for Ego Boosts from women


Here are some “Chairs” search results form the Secrets Forum


Post near the end of the thread, wife not experiencing passion in marital relations

http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ght=chairs



Post 2 and further on, Wife feels she is doing everything right in the marriage, and household, but husband does not like to engage in conversation, and does not really like to be at home.

http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ght=chairs


Last Post Page 1, Wife asks how to get more from her marriage, and what is important to husbands in marriage. Has COUPLE words outlined.

http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ght=chairs


3rd post. Attractive wife with 3 children complains that her husband has lost interest in marital relations. Couple Word headings

http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ght=chairs









//
ThunderHorse
 
Posts: 636
Joined: Mon Jul 31, 2006 6:10 pm


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