Any advice for the military

Any advice for the military

Postby Gamble82 » Thu Jul 28, 2011 4:45 am

Hi this will be my first post on this forum... hopefully I can get some guidance.

I really dont know where to start... So here it goes.

My wife and I are high school sweethearts. We've been together for 13 years, living together for 12, and married for 8 yrs. we have a beautiful 6 year old daughter.

When we first got married I decided to join the military to better our lives. After my basic training I had an affair (8 years ago). When my wife found out we both didnt know how to deal with the problem. We decided that our love and relationship was worth saving and decided to move on. Life continued. I stayed in the military worked to put my wife through Nursing school, we had our daughter and a couple years ago bought our first house. My wife has always had a certain "unconditional love" towards me. I felt everything was going great...
Last summer I deployed, not long just 4 months. While I was away we fought more often than normal. I took it as just the stress from being away for so long. But I accused my wife of cheating on me (for no good reason, I was being a jerk).
When I got back I felt my wife was really distant, and the sexual tension was building between us. She told me she felt like I was using sex as a band aid... I told her that her rejection hurt me and after some nasty arguments and a week later my wife decided she needed a break and left for a week.
She came back all smiles and telling me that she loved me and we can get through this. Well 10 months later its only gotten worse. She told me that Im controlling and need to trust her. So in order to work on my trust and control issues and I began to go to counseling. That only made matters worse. Our relationship hit rock bottom when we had an argument over the 4th of July and she told me that we are finished and my whole counseling thing was a little too late. She told me that she thinks of me as a friend and not a husband, and the whole "I love you, but Im not in love with you" line. To have sex with me makes her sick to her stomach. That she never got over my affair from 8 years ago and she wants to leave. I begged and pleaded with her to try and save our marriage and she agreed to try anything. We are currently going to couples counseling (provided by the military) but I dont think its working. My wife still tells me she loves me and kisses me, but no more. She seems cold and distant most of the time, but its like there are moments she lets her guard down and we connect. I love this woman, we love our daughter! I try and be loving and romantic but she gets mad and tells me Im smothering her or Im hovering. My job keeps me flying a lot so when Im on the road I like to call home and talk, but she gets upset and tells me "she feels like Im checking in on her" All I want is to go back to feeling wanted. This last trip I was on was 2 weeks. The day before I came home I asked her playfully if "she missed me?", her reply was "I guess, but it has been quite with you away"
I love my wife and I want to work this out, but Im an emotional wreck!! I dont know what I should do.
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Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2011 3:59 am

Postby socialdistortion » Sun Jul 31, 2011 1:17 pm

Dear Gamble82,

Ah, the ripple effects of infidelity. You say you have been married for 8 years and that you cheated on her about 8 years ago? So you cheated on her right in the first year of marriage. Not a good start.

You also say you are untrusting and controlling. Not good either. Try to look at this from her perspective. If she was going to write about your marriage what would she say? What would she say she wants from you?

Social Distortion
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Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2010 8:20 am

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