My wife thinks lowly of me

My wife thinks lowly of me

Postby armada » Thu Aug 04, 2011 3:05 pm

I have been married for two years now.My wife thinks i am a loser and an idiot.She makes that clea with her behaviour and indirectly mentions it.I left my job a year ago to open a business with a relative but things didn't work out as planned.I left the business and was unemployed for a while.I am back into work now for the last 5 months but my salary hardly allows us to make the end of the month.I am trying to get a better job and all I say to my wife is that I am aware that I shouldn't have gone into that business adventure but also tht I am human and am doing everything possible to rctify the mistake and that she should be a bit more supportive.I have tried all sorts of methods but when I try to talk to her she pushes me away or it turns into an argument.I love her and want to be with her until death do us apart.But her constant critisizm and put downs,arguments and telling me I mean nothing to her and lack of cooperation has brought me to a stage where I have switched off.I have started to believe that I am incompetent and whatever I do I will not get her to like and respect me.I currently have taken a step back and decided to focus on getting a better job and improving the financial situation rather than what she thinks of me.We are not talking to each other currently.It hurts me a lot but I have decided to be mature and leave things to time.Do you think things can get better if I ignore her and focus on myself?Suggestions please.
armada
 
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Postby OptimismIsKey » Tue Nov 15, 2011 3:16 pm

Armada,

I am sorry to hear that you are going through a difficult time. I noticed that you had said "My wife thinks I am a loser and an idiot". Do not allow yourself to over analyze the situation either. Over thinking ruins you. Ruins the situation, turns things around, makes you worry and just makes things worse than it actually is. When she said this were you in an argument? Had you also may be upset her first and she retaliated. When people are angry they tend to say things they don't mean. I have experienced that personally. Sometimes walking away while they are angry is best, let them cool down and come to their senses. Then talk to them about the situation later, and be specific when telling them what they said hurt you.

I also noticed you said you have been married for two years, two years is not a very long time. My question to you is, did you rush things? How long were the two of you together prior to the marriage? Did you live together for a period of time before getting married so you could in a sense, "test" the marriage and see if you were meant for one another or were you going to get under each other’s skin and fight daily. Professor Ski has always said, after being with someone for two years is when you finally see their true colors. That is when you begin to see who they truly are as a person. Maybe you didn't get to know your wife well enough before marrying her. However, do not put all the blame on yourself. People change, and in this case maybe she was the one who changed.

Communication is essential in a relationship. If both partners cannot communication effectively the relationship will eventually fall apart. Relationships are also about compromising and forgiveness. So you made a business mistake, you are only human. If you are putting forth the effort and searching for another job she needs to give you credit. You also need to keep in mind though that she is a female, who thinks much differently than you. Her first instinct is to nurture. Knowing that you were unemployed for quite some time was stressful for both of you I'm sure. Stress also has an impact on relationships. However, if you were unemployed did she at least offer to search for a job? You need to help one another! I do not feel as though walking away from the situation and letting time take over will do you any good. Never run from your problems, face them head on. If she is angry sure let her cool down for a few hours, but do not let weeks at a time go by without speaking to her. You approach her, ask her to meet and talk about things. Come to an agreement. If she becomes argumentive and has nothing but negative comments then maybe she is not the one for you. Easier said than done. But at the end of the day you will be able to rest your head on your pillow and know that you did all you could to try and save your marriage, the rest is on her. I truly wish you the best of luck. Remember, everything happens for a reason.
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Postby Js93 » Sat Nov 19, 2011 5:24 pm

Dear Armada,

It seems like your frustrated with the way things are going with your relationship due to the fact of your mistake. You say that when you try to talk to her she pushes you away. Have you taken time to let her know that it hurts you when she puts you down? It is important that you let her know how you feel even though she pushes you away. I see that you admit to your mistake instead of creating more conflict between the two of you which is a great start.

In psychology class we've had discussions upon this situation and when it comes to financial situations it can cause conflict because women want a man who can do his part to support them and their family financially and when and issue comes in between women tend to question wether a man will be able to support the family having financial issues. In my notes from psychology class it states "spouses’ stress at work can have significant impact on marital and family interactions" which falls under work and career issues and this is exactly what you are going through.

Ignoring her is not the best way to handle the situation because with all the anger she has towards you she might end up leaving you. you say you want to be with her till death does you guys apart. So you should give it your all to make it work. Since you made a mistake which effected your relationship it is your responsibility to fix that mistake so that you can be an in a healthy relationship. Also try avoiding arguments because it only causes bad conflict and may cause distance between you two.
Js93
 
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Postby Js93 » Sat Nov 19, 2011 5:25 pm

Dear Armada,

It seems like your frustrated with the way things are going with your relationship due to the fact of your mistake. You say that when you try to talk to her she pushes you away. Have you taken time to let her know that it hurts you when she puts you down? It is important that you let her know how you feel even though she pushes you away. I see that you admit to your mistake instead of creating more conflict between the two of you which is a great start.

In psychology class we've had discussions upon this situation and when it comes to financial situations it can cause conflict because women want a man who can do his part to support them and their family financially and when and issue comes in between women tend to question wether a man will be able to support the family having financial issues. In my notes from psychology class it states "spouses’ stress at work can have significant impact on marital and family interactions" which falls under work and career issues and this is exactly what you are going through.

Ignoring her is not the best way to handle the situation because with all the anger she has towards you she might end up leaving you. you say you want to be with her till death does you guys apart. So you should give it your all to make it work. Since you made a mistake which effected your relationship it is your responsibility to fix that mistake so that you can be an in a healthy relationship. Also try avoiding arguments because it only causes bad conflict and may cause distance between you two.
Js93
 
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Re: My wife thinks lowly of me

Postby honestyy22 » Mon Nov 28, 2011 8:20 pm

Dear Armada,
You guys have only been together for two years not that is not a very long time, and to hear that things are already starting to get rocky does not seem like a good sign.
My psychology professor says that it can take two years until the person really starts to show their true colors. You also should not regret you decision of leaving your job to trying to open up a business it was something you really wanted to do, and you thought that you could make more money to help you guys out so you can live better.
Also during psychology we have discussed abusive relationships, and by what I'm am reading it sounds like she is verbally abusive to you. Which any kind of abuse is bad wether it is physical or mental, because when she is mentally abusive it hurts your self esteem, and not good for you, because if you are not happy with yourself you cant be happy with someone else.
Finally, you should be concentrating on yourself, and your on the right track keep looking for a better job because women like to know they can be supported and not have to worry. And do not always go to her let her come to you when she is ready, because when you try and come and talk to her about things she just gets aggravated because at that time she doesn’t want to hear it. Also do let her get you down.
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Re: My wife thinks lowly of me

Postby loveyourspouse » Tue Dec 06, 2011 2:53 pm

After reading what you said it seems to me your upset with your own mistake. You don't like when she puts you down, but have you ever once told her that you don't like when she puts you down? Its very important in a marriage to be able to talk to your wife when something is wrong. You need to express what your feeling to her. The perfect way to start is to be honest and own up to your mistake which is the best way to save your marriage.

I'm a student at CCRI and in my psychology class we've learned about this kind of situation and what I've gotten out of it is when it comes to financial situations it can be a tender spot with women because women want a man can support them in anyway and to always have the closure of not having to worry about anything. What I learned from my lecture in class "stress at work can have significant impact on marital and family interactions" and this is exactly what your going through with your wife.

There are many ways you can approach this but ignoring her is not going to help you in any way. She already has a lot of anger built up towards you so ignoring her will only fuel the fire. If you want to be with your wife as bad as you say you need to work at this in every way you can. You should work at your marriage just like you work at your job, try anything at all. You made this mistake with her so if you are truly trying to make this work you need to do whatever you can to fix this problem. If you stay honest and work at this marriage you will be fine, just try to avoid confrontation with your wife at all coast so you can save your marriage.
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Re: My wife thinks lowly of me

Postby pfoster » Wed Nov 28, 2012 5:39 pm

In every relationship communication is key, any psychologist or therapist could tell you that. Going by what I’ve read it seems that you were really happy in the beginning of the marriage and now with the mental/emotional distress from your wife, you wish things could be better. 2 years in, and this marriage is already hurting you, is not the best sign. Just because you have taken a chance on a life decision and it turned against you, does not mean she can take it out on you. This sort of verbal/emotional abuse (yes abuse) from your partner is NOT healthy. You both need to really take a day sit down and try to figure out what she needs vs. what she thinks she lost (from the business chance), and what you can promise/do her to do to make things better. This problem is so common. Even I experienced this frustration. You will not know what she is so worked up about and so mean about until you ask for her to explain them in a manor you can understand. In one of Dr. Haltzman’s posts he says, “Many couples resolve this problem with one simple act: they ask for what they want. Other couples are chronically unsatisfied, expecting their partner to figure out what they need.”

In class, Dr. Misiurski talked about “Fundamental Attribution Error”, which she explains is “the tendency a person has to blame, an innocent victim of misfortune for having caused the problem or for not taking steps to prevent it.” If a couple engage in an argument (the misfortune), one of them is the one who brought it up, and the other is the one that should understand the problem and resolve it. With out resolving it many find that the argument leads to blaming the other (for not fixing it) other than the situation itself.

(This goes for every other discussion) If you think about it, in a relationship where person 1 and person 2 engage in a discussion or argument, person 1 maybe the one who brought up topic and started the discussion. But without plainly stating why they brought it up, they’re expecting person 2 to pick it up and resolve the problem. Thing is, person 2 is not getting the hints which brings the discussion in to an argument, and eventually leaving the two of them frustrated. Now they are frustrated at each other and person 1 may begin to blame person 2 instead of the situation. The problem with the situation is that person 1 didn’t state what they wanted in a clear manor that person 2 could understand.
This applied to the beginning of my relationship because I was his ‘1st girlfriend’ I do admit I was kind of mean when he didn’t stand up for me, or himself, or do all those lovely things (I kind of figured that was an innate response when you date someone). At least that is what I always blamed it on, so I didn’t always blame him. We’d argue a lot. It could be about how he didn’t take my hints that I couldn’t stand his clinginess, or he got them but applied it too obviously and stood across the room in stead of by my side. Or it could be how I’d drop hints on how I’d wish he’d surprise me or spend something on me after a couple years, but he never understood them and therefore never surprised me. So I became increasingly distraught and frustrated to a point where I’d blame him because he never had a relationship.
However in your situation, it seems like things where fine until that business jump. She might be protecting herself. ‘Us’ ladies do become feistier when we have something to protect. It’s obvious that the situation worsened when the financial problems began. She seems to blame you instead of the situation, even if you caused it, she shouldn’t be putting you down on this. I understand this was in 2011, but this was a post that interested me (I’m a student and this is one of my assignments).

When I experienced this in the beginning of my relationship, I applied what I learned in class and improved my relationship. I understood that I was blaming him, instead of the situation, so I set off to offer my own advice to my own relationship. After I did some research on this particular thing, many sources (friends/and myself) figured it’d be best that we sit down and explain to each other our reasons and ways of hinting. It turns out he didn’t understand me because I was his first girlfriend; it was because I was not clear enough. Now we explain in detail our expectations, wishes, hopes, and frustrations so we can clearly understand and work together to resolve them. For you, you should talk more; negotiate what you will do to help and what she should do, to also help.
pfoster
 
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