by pfoster » Wed Nov 28, 2012 5:39 pm
In every relationship communication is key, any psychologist or therapist could tell you that. Going by what I’ve read it seems that you were really happy in the beginning of the marriage and now with the mental/emotional distress from your wife, you wish things could be better. 2 years in, and this marriage is already hurting you, is not the best sign. Just because you have taken a chance on a life decision and it turned against you, does not mean she can take it out on you. This sort of verbal/emotional abuse (yes abuse) from your partner is NOT healthy. You both need to really take a day sit down and try to figure out what she needs vs. what she thinks she lost (from the business chance), and what you can promise/do her to do to make things better. This problem is so common. Even I experienced this frustration. You will not know what she is so worked up about and so mean about until you ask for her to explain them in a manor you can understand. In one of Dr. Haltzman’s posts he says, “Many couples resolve this problem with one simple act: they ask for what they want. Other couples are chronically unsatisfied, expecting their partner to figure out what they need.”
In class, Dr. Misiurski talked about “Fundamental Attribution Error”, which she explains is “the tendency a person has to blame, an innocent victim of misfortune for having caused the problem or for not taking steps to prevent it.” If a couple engage in an argument (the misfortune), one of them is the one who brought it up, and the other is the one that should understand the problem and resolve it. With out resolving it many find that the argument leads to blaming the other (for not fixing it) other than the situation itself.
(This goes for every other discussion) If you think about it, in a relationship where person 1 and person 2 engage in a discussion or argument, person 1 maybe the one who brought up topic and started the discussion. But without plainly stating why they brought it up, they’re expecting person 2 to pick it up and resolve the problem. Thing is, person 2 is not getting the hints which brings the discussion in to an argument, and eventually leaving the two of them frustrated. Now they are frustrated at each other and person 1 may begin to blame person 2 instead of the situation. The problem with the situation is that person 1 didn’t state what they wanted in a clear manor that person 2 could understand.
This applied to the beginning of my relationship because I was his ‘1st girlfriend’ I do admit I was kind of mean when he didn’t stand up for me, or himself, or do all those lovely things (I kind of figured that was an innate response when you date someone). At least that is what I always blamed it on, so I didn’t always blame him. We’d argue a lot. It could be about how he didn’t take my hints that I couldn’t stand his clinginess, or he got them but applied it too obviously and stood across the room in stead of by my side. Or it could be how I’d drop hints on how I’d wish he’d surprise me or spend something on me after a couple years, but he never understood them and therefore never surprised me. So I became increasingly distraught and frustrated to a point where I’d blame him because he never had a relationship.
However in your situation, it seems like things where fine until that business jump. She might be protecting herself. ‘Us’ ladies do become feistier when we have something to protect. It’s obvious that the situation worsened when the financial problems began. She seems to blame you instead of the situation, even if you caused it, she shouldn’t be putting you down on this. I understand this was in 2011, but this was a post that interested me (I’m a student and this is one of my assignments).
When I experienced this in the beginning of my relationship, I applied what I learned in class and improved my relationship. I understood that I was blaming him, instead of the situation, so I set off to offer my own advice to my own relationship. After I did some research on this particular thing, many sources (friends/and myself) figured it’d be best that we sit down and explain to each other our reasons and ways of hinting. It turns out he didn’t understand me because I was his first girlfriend; it was because I was not clear enough. Now we explain in detail our expectations, wishes, hopes, and frustrations so we can clearly understand and work together to resolve them. For you, you should talk more; negotiate what you will do to help and what she should do, to also help.