Getting Rid Of Nightmares Of My Wife Cheating On Me

[TornadoKnight]

I'm new here. I'm looking for help to try and figure out why I keep having different nightmares of my wife cheating on me in different ways the whole time we have been married. We have been married for almost 20yrs now. This is our first marriage for us both. (Wife-40yrs & Myslef-41yrs) I don't have them all every night. It seems to be every so many months or so infrequently. So many times my wife is acting flippant that she is or has cheated on me in very different ways in these dream situations that are like the worst emotional gut kick to me. I run between the leftover emotions of anger, greef & betrayal.

Any ideas how I can figure out a way to stop these. I know that in some ways I have a low self esteem. My wife gets mad at me when I tell her & it colors my attitude for the day after I have the nightmare. (She thinks that I don't trust her enough and seems to think it's foolish that I keep having these nightmares.) I know that I can't completly get rid of all nightmares. But haven't had any luck on how to stop them or get over the residual emotions.

Any ideas would be great.


Thanks in advance,
Matt

[ThunderHorse]

There are two chapters in The Men's Secrets book on Listening. Here is a thread on listening ideas frompast posts.

http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpBB3/viewtopic.php?f=9&t=609

One approach is to control what YOU can control. Yourself. You can have confidence that you conduct yourself, so as not to invite your wife to feel that cheating is OK with you. So avoid flirting.

You can improve yourself as a husband. How? Probably many ways, but choose one program or one apprach, and feel confidence both that you are doing well as providing your spouse's needs, and more generally, that you are a desirable husband. You cannot control if your wife leaves you, or stays. If my wife leaves me, I have confidence both that I know how to be an encouraging, loving husband, and the confidence that as my wfe's needs evolve, that I have the skills to learn to meet new aspects of my wife's needs.

What are you doing to become a better huysband? What are the good things you do now?

You can't control nightmares, but you can build your self-confidence. You can try to become a better husband. You can build confidence that you are a good husband, deserving of your wife's fidelity. The nightmares should take care of themselves.


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[ThunderHorse]

Listenting to your Wife:

Listening is different from ordinary conversation. In ordinary conversation, men express ideas to each other. Conversation proceeds that one man expresses some ideas, and then another man expresses His ideas realted to the ideas being discussed, etc..

There are some women who are comfortable with men discussing thier ideas. Most women are more interested in thinking through their own ideas, in talking to others. So if your wife is not interested in helping you with your problems, you should prbably understand that this is how most women are. If you need to discuss problems, then it is better to have someone outside the marriage to discuss your problems. Counselors are avaialable, or some other person who does not raise the issue of fidelity.

In listening to your wife, you need to avoid expressing your own ideas on Politics, Religion, Sports, etc. Listening for venting is to encouarge your wife to talk about that interests her. Just give acknowldging comments, without disagreeing or agreeing, like "Is that right." "That is certainly something to think about." "I never thought about it that way." "You may have a point there." "Seems like a dilemna."

Many women need a partner to discuss thier ideas and challenges. Women often form a bond with a man, who reliably allows her to vent, some 15 minutes a day. If you have an idea to present to hyour wife, then I try to find a considerate manner in which to present the idea of my request. First, I try to get my wife to finish her 15 Minutes of venting, before I talk about what I want. The idea of fidelity may be degrees of being considerate to the feelings of our spouse. Getting into technical definitions of affairs, detracts from the bond of a husband encouraging his wife to vent for 15 minutes a day.




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[burtonone]

So you truly want to stop having these nightmares about your wife cheating on you? Have you yet to ask your wife if she has had dreams about you cheating on her? She may not even remember any of her dreams, ever! To be honest right from the start, your problem could be something as simple as you having the tendency to remember your dreams more often than the average person, or you may have some type of sleeping disorder.
You should ask your wife if happen to act out while you have these nightmares, and/or you tend to have nightmares of other things. In my psychology class with Dr. Misiurski, I learned that having nightmares, or night terrors, is actually a sleep disorder just like insomnia. Dr. Misiurski says, “Night terrors are sudden arousal from sleep and intense fear accompanied by physiological reactions (e.g., rapid heart rate, perspiration) that occur during slow wave sleep.” So do not begin to worry yourself too much Matt, your nightmares may be completely out of your control. There is nothing wrong with talking to psychologist or a doctor about your problems if you feel the terrors begin to get out of control.
Now I am not sure as of now if you do act out your night terrors, so this may not be the case here. If you are interested in finding out if this could pertain to you, inform your wife. Do you wake up screaming or sweating with a rapid heart rate? These things you may overlook in the moment, but are quite common symptoms of a night terror sleeping disorder.
In the meantime, try not to get caught up on the things that you think of yourself or she says about you like “it colors your attitude.” If you feel that the nightmares are getting out of hand, don’t hesitate to talk to a therapist, psychologist, or whoever you think could help with your problems. There are solutions to your problem Matt, so keep you head and esteem up high!

[JessStilltheone]

So it seems as though your dreams are creating an uncomfortable and unnerving anxiety towards your relationship. How long have these dreams been occurring? Rather recently? or have they been happening for years prior? Are there any other reoccurring conflicts in your relationship? I used to have the same problem. When I found out that my boyfriend of two years had been cheating on me, and then left me for the other girl, I used to have terrible night mares. I would wake up in the middle of the night either in a cold sweat, sick to my stomach, violently shaking, or a combination of the three. Even though these are dreams, I understand how big of an impact they have in waking life. The feeling, either way, isn't very reassuring.
In my psychology course, my teacher, Dr. Misurski, taught us about Freud and his theories about dreams. Though I do not completely endorse Freud, some of his theories seem to be relevant in secret desires, etc. He proposed that dreams were a way of the subconscious to communicate with the conscious mind using code. He suggested that a dream consists of two elements, the manifest content and the latent content. The manifest content (how thoughts "manifest" as objects that symbolize real life entities) was the story line of the dream-whatever happened and whatever appeared to the dreamer. The latent content of the dream, was what the dream really meant in real life-how the symbols should be interpreted. Freud believed in this way, the subconscious could communicate wants, fears, and sometimes warnings. Much like prophetic dreams.
Your subconscious might be trying to tell you something. Very obviously, you do have a fear of your wife cheating, or even leaving you. Though the dream seems to be very straight forward, it may not be as what you think. Yes, you wake up with the terrible feeling, and I can understand how her attitude can only make this hurt more, but even she needs to understand that you cannot control what you dream. Again, dreams represent other things. As far as I've looked into it, there are many books and websites that have a very similar definition. Dream moods, specifically defines adultery in dreams often a symbol for neglect. That you fear abandonment, and that you may feel as though you are being taken for granted. That maybe she's been feeling less affectionate? Maybe instead, if the other is less likely of a possibility, you feel you are not living up to others' expectations.
These dreams you are having seem to stem from a recurring anxiety. Therefore, there is more than likely a real world issue that is causing these dreams to continue happening. My personal advice for you is to sit down with your wife and talk. Try to get her to sympathize with you, rather than to criticize you for the things you can't control. Try to get her to understand that you can't help these dreams, and tell her how these dreams make you feel. Calmly approach the subject, get her to talk with you so she can either confirm or deny your fears without her feeling as though you are accusing or attacking her. You should also try to sit down and maybe figure out what these dreams maybe could mean or symbolize to you. If you figure it out, then you will be able to fix what is causing the anxiety in the waking world, and thus be free of these anxiety dreams in the sleeping one. If it does turn out that there has been dishonesty happening in your marriage, consider this: Dr. Scott says that infidelity occurs in more than 40% of marriages. Though this causes a major riff in the trust between the two individuals, it is not always a cause for divorce. Instead, if both are willing, try counseling, or even sticking it out and working through it together. This option is both financially and personally more sound. He says that, when worked together on a personal level, it is more rewarding, provides the family with a stronger stability, and increases the length in the relationship, as well as the happiness, and the bond between the two individuals. You have been married for twenty years already, do not give up hope, and everything will fall into place. Good luck.