Asking for Wife's Praise

[ThunderHorse]

Asking for Praise



It is challenging for me to ask my wife for praise. For Praise to be Real, it should logically be voluntary! Right? WHY should I have toa ask for Praise, that I have earned and I deserve?


Perhaps. But some marriage books suggest that Wives are not tuned in to giving recognition that is meaningful to a husband.

There fore, this thread is started with the ideas, or phrases, and rationales for asking for praise.

Further, how to enjoy praise, after you have had to ask for it.

WHAT I WOULD LIKE TO HEAR FROM WIFE:


1. Thanks for the effort you make in getting to work on schedule.

2. Thanks for the effort you make in getting the cars inspected, emissions renew license plates, and get the oil changed.

3. Thanks for overlooking things that irritate you like food particles left in the sink, and left on standing dishes on the counter, and food sauces left spilled on the kitchen counters..

4. Thanks for overlooking that I am streaky and inconsistent.

5. Thanks for making an effort to help with the laundry.

6. Thanks for listening to my wishes to delay buying parts for the washer.

7. Thanks for helping with the yard work.

8. Thanks for managing paying my credit cards.

9. Thanks for your help in managing the family finances.

10. Thanks for often trying to keep your socks picked up, and put in the hamper.

11. Thanks for hanging up the towels in the bathroom

12. Thanks for sponging off the soap residue around the tub after you take a bath.

13. Thanks for keeping up with the news, and letting me know what you think is important for us to think about for our future and retirement.

15. Thanks for thinking about religious ideals and underpinning beliefs that help us to follow ethical ideas of right and wrong, and how we treat others.

16. Thanks for working to improve your social skills, so you can get along better on the job, and in the family.

17. Thanks for giving some attention to parenting skills, so we can give good counsel to our children and friends.

18. Thanks for making an effort to sort out the mail sooner than later.

19. Thanks for your help to shop for automobiles, as we need to replace, or consider expensive auto repairs and alternatives

20. Thanks for working on the computers, and trying to work around the closed door cabinet that makes things more difficult to work on things.

21. Thanks for answering any of my questions with openness, and giving me a feeling that you are not hiding things from me.

22. Thanks for listening to me with understanding when I just need a hug.

23. Thanks for taking the initiative, to try to find compromises, when disagreements come up.

24. Thanks for giving me the feeling that if I need your full attention, focus and application of powers, that you will be there to help me.

25. Thanks for being gentle with me under all circumstances.






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[Scott Haltzman]

Thank you, TH, for making this contribution to the forum. I may use this list in my presentation at the upcoming Smart Marriages conference in San Francisco.

[ThunderHorse]

Feel Free to use any of my postings in your talks or future books. You may wish to embelish my ideas a little. These requests came in a short spurt of time. Too often we expect our mate to know what we want, without having to tell them.

[ThunderHorse]

In addition to recognition of effort, I would like recognition of validity of my ideas.

I invalidated some of my wife's ideas tonight, and I could sense the effect of my invalidation.

I really was trying to make a point that I don't appreciate my wife invalidating my ideas.

There is a gradient scale, form worshiping my ideas unquestionably, to simply avoiding contradicting my ideas.

The first step is in Chapter 10, introduce yourself.

So my wife may know my ideas, but seems to have the opinion that all my ideas are frivolous, or subservient to her ideas, or LESS than her Church's ideas.

I have not really formulated a good approach to ask my wife to respect my ideas.

Maybe, I could ask her, let us suppose we might be asked to dinner to one of my friend's homes. Let us say that they know about all my ideas, and they agree with all my ideas.

So since you do not agree with hardly any of my ideas, let us make an exercise of your finding a way to say something positive about each of my personal ideas, on politics, religions, personnel management, everything.

So let us just take a few ideas, and you can practice finding something positive to say about several of my ideas. The situation would be something like, one of the people inviting The world would sure be a better place to live if the legislators followed your husband's ideas, wouldn't they?

You husband recognizes some key aspects of pollution and the environment doesn't he?

So a goal of Congeniality, would be a step. Not endorsing, but at least, giving recognition to some aspect of value in the husband's position. beliefs, ideas.




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[moc]

ThunderHorse, thank you for this list of recognition.

If you find a way to have this accepted by your wife, let me know your tactic. I also find that I have traits like most men from Dr. Haltzman's book, I have many communication skills that are not like men. I want to feel appreciated too by words and actions nearly at the same time. Why is this so hard for women today? Is it because we as men had not for so long that its difficult for women to trust us that we are sincere in our efforts to change and maintain? At this point, any thanks from my wife for doing all the things she has completely dropped out of sharing with me (laundry, dishes, etc.) would be a warm welcome. But it must be sincere, and not contrived. I won't get much from her sitting afar, reading a book and blurting it out while not even lifting an eye from the page.

What I have issues with right now is that if I have the nerve to discuss with her things I believe in that might be hurtful from what she is saying or doing, that I want to resonate your words..."seems to have the opinion that my ideas are frivolous or subservient to hers...". In fact, I will go as far as to say when discussing them, I get laughed at feel that they are not worth her listening to or understanding. That some of these things I find important, would not be thought about and considered in her world. But if I did the same, then I am not understanding how important something is to her.

Why do we have to understand the double standard?

[ThunderHorse]

.....What I have issues with right now is that if I have the nerve to discuss with her things I believe in that might be hurtful from what she is saying or doing, that I want to resonate your words..."seems to have the opinion that my ideas are frivolous or subservient to hers...". In fact, I will go as far as to say when discussing them, I get laughed at feel that they are not worth her listening to or understanding. That some of these things I find important, would not be thought about and considered in her world. But if I did the same, then I am not understanding how important something is to her.

Why do we have to understand the double standard?

The other day, I pulled one off.

I mean my wife was giving me criticism, and I switched it around to a compliment to myself, an Ego Boost, and my wife allowed the switcheroo to remain unreversed.

Specifically, I have a problem with the home computer, and I have been delaying making needed replacement or repairs. One of the reasons I am delaying is, because whatever I do will not be perfect, and I am avoiding hearing her complain about whatever I do, and her coming up with unworkable plans, in hindsight. My ideas will be to expensive, too wasteful, too inadequate, otherwise insufficient, etc.

So my wife says to me, "What are you going to do about the home computer?" I replied, "I am interested in any sugestions you might have.....

I continued, "I want to thank you for your trust in me to come up with some viable solution. Thank you for trusting me to find a solution for the problems with the home computer? "

My wife had no answer. No retort.

So if there is no compliment in my wife's remarks, I will fabricate someting psitive, related to what she said, and slap it out there in the middle of the table, as if she intended to give me a compliment, or otherewise boost my ego.



My wife sometimes calls me to tell me things with which I disagree. but I just thank her for letting me know, or thank her for calling.





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[Mommyof3]

ThunderHorse, I disagree with a lot of your tactics in dealing with your wife.

[socialdistortion]

Mommyof3 said-

ThunderHorse, I disagree with a lot of your tactics in dealing with your wife.

Dear Mommyof3,

Totally!

Social Distortion

[ThunderHorse]

ThunderHorse, I disagree with a lot of your tactics in dealing with your wife.

Specifics? Sugestions?

I have given up on my wife expressing gratitude for what I do for the family. Ideally, I would not even like to think about what I do for he family, in terms of asking for appreciation. But my wife is not tuned in to giving me recognition, on her own, without prompting.

I appreciate recognition, and become resentful when I do not receive recogniton, or experience disparagement. So I am taking responsibility for not feeling unappreciated, by taking he intiative to point out where I feel I deserve recogntion. Hopefully, no other husband in the world has a wife who overlooks efforts on behalf of the family. Hopefully this thread is completrely foreign to all women, because all the other women instinctively give praise and recogntion to their husbands and lovers.

I posted this thread for feedback. I am pleased that no one likes this thread, because that means everyone else is doing better than me. But I am making do.


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[elizacol]

Thunderhorse,

I think for people to understand your posts, they would have to have read some from way back...to understand your wife and the dynamics of your relationship. Anyone happening upon this thread, not having read your previous posts, would likely have the reaction that some on this thread did.
(Does that make sense).

I think I get your tactics. They serve as a reminder that men (my husband, specifically) truly do need/desire respect and praise. I think women (in general) don't always realize that!! I know I didn't for the first 19 years of our marriage. So, when I read your posts, it reminds me. And no...it (giving praise and recognition) does not come naturally to me (and possibly to many women-not sure).

So, thanks for the little reminders here and there. Today is our 24th wedding anniversary. Years 19-20 were tough! We almost didn't make it. Thanks in part to this forum, we are going strong, once again. Your posts played a role in that.

Best wishes to you and your marriage. I admire how you don't give up.

[Scott Haltzman]

WTG, Elizacol. Happy Anniversary. Your fight to save your marriage is an inspiration!

-Scott

[bakergirltt]

Hi everyone

I'm new here and I've been going through your posts and thought I'd reply to this one.

Firstly, to Elizacon, congratulations and I applaud your tenacity. I, myself, have had that little hiccup in my marriage during the 19th -20th year and the last year has been a roller coaster ride for us,with lots of low, despairing points but, I'm happy to say, we've come through. It's a long, complicated story, I'll save the details for another time if anyone is interested, in fact, I want to write a post under infidelity later on (that should give you a hint

What I want to say now though is that going through all of that has made us stronger and I have been able to see the many ways that I contributed to our problems, mainly by not understanding my husband and his needs, which btw he never communicated to me.

So, with that in mind, I want to say that I wish every husband would tell his wife exactly what he needs from her, it would certainly save a lot of time and unnecessary guessing on our parts. I appreciate that not everyone is the same and certainly some of the needs may not be viewed by the woman as necessary at all, in the same way that husbands view their wives needs as sometimes over the top, especially when it comes to emotional needs. I know my husband wants to take off in another direction when I get emotional... he just doesn't handle it well.

However, I think if we know what you want, we'll be better equipped to handle those needs, even if its hard for us to supply them. We could at least understand why you react the way you do sometimes. The most frustrating thing about my husband for me.. and I'm learning now that most men are like that.. is the stonewalling, the shutting off. I find it very painful because those are the times I need to feel close, I want to understand what he's thinking and feeling, but its like this giant wall has gone up and I'm beating myself against it but it prevails. I understand its his way of dealing with things, but for me its almost like he's protecting himself from me and that, for me, shouts loudly that he doesn't want to give me all of his heart. He's afraid of being vulnerable to me. Anybody else feel this?

Anyway, Thunderhorse, you seem to have a sense of humor, a lil twisted, but you have a formula there... you give what you want to get. Its a little bit like how we women think.. we give what we want (at least most of us do). I know its dumb but somewhere along the line, I hate asking for what I want, I give more of it, hoping he'll catch on and give it back. I've learnt that formula doesn't work for us. I need to be specific because he has a very logical, analytical mind and he doesn't do the intuitive thing too well. He's not going to "see" that I need something the way I "see" his needs (the obvious ones) or the kids' needs. We don't think alike at all and I need to accept that I have to work harder at not expecting things from him that he's just not wired to give.

I will add though, that, as a housewife and mother, I have not felt appreciated very much either. I do lots of things everyday, make lots of sacrifices that have by and large gone unnoticed and I have felt taken for granted alot. Over the years my husband has seldom thanked me or praised me for lots of things.. in fact most times it was only about what I'd cooked or baked. So, it works both ways, do you thank your wife for ironing your shirt , fixing your breakfast or fixing you a good meal? Or does that all fall into her duties as a wife and it ought not to be something to be grateful for? You see, a wife could believe that its her husband's job to take care of, for instance, the car. She may not feel that she has to thank him each time, anymore than he may feel that he ought to thank her for ironing his shirt. Am I making any sense here? I'm sure there are people out there who think this way... I'm not saying its right, its obvious we all need to work a little more towards expressing gratitude and showing appreciation for even the little things.

Over the last year, my husband has actually told me thank you for fixing him lunch everyday when I give him is lunchbag before he heads out the door. Because of the effort he's making, it doesn't bother me if he forgets one day cause he's late and rushing out the door... I know he appreciates it. Its a whole lot more than I got in the first 19 years of marriage.

So, to all you struggling out there, take a page out of Elizacol's book... don't give up, the fight isn't over until you do. From my own experience, somewhere over the mountain you may be facing now, is a beautiful vista and giving up the climb means you'll never get there.

God bless you all

[Southern Guy]

Everyone can use some praise from time-to-time. It does not need to be constant. One compliment a month would be a new one for me.

Now to be fair, I am not the best in giving out compliments either. On the flip side, I also don't criticize.

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[ManOnTheHill]

Response #3:
Thunderhorse you have told of multiple different problems that each need to be addressed to discover what the true cause of your distress is. You have described your problem as a communication problem. Communication problems are commonly cited as a cause for unhappiness in marriage. Five of the common communication patterns associated with divorce/unhappiness are contempt, criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and belligerence. Consider how your day-to-day conversations reflect these patterns and do your best to stray away from falling into these patterns regardless of what your wife says.
One thing Dr. Scott Haltzman states is that “To understand the way to your wife’s heart, you must first learn what makes her tick.” Figure out which of your behaviors she specifically does not like and bite your teeth when she criticizes you for them. Pick and choose your battles if you fight every battle you will undoubtedly push her away. Also agree to disagree and avoid the subject altogether. Doing this will make it easier to move on from these unpleasant subjects and move further into the future. You have also claimed that your wife does not do much for your family. It is clear that you feel that you are taking on unequal amounts of responsibility in the relationship. Begin delegating responsibilities to your wife and even go as far as to teach her to do things. If she says that she cannot accept these responsibilities then stop doing them altogether. Eventually she will have to do them or let things descend into chaos. From chaos order will come it may come fast or slow but chaos will build up and eventually overwhelm you into change.
One final thing that you must consider and may be very hard to admit is that this is a personal problem. Your need to be complemented shows that you are insecure. Ask yourself why you need to be complemented and why on such a wide array of things. It is normal to need some praise for your handwork to keep you motivated through your struggles of everyday life. Consider how much praise you truly need, anything more than once a week is excessive. If you consistently demand all of this praise your wife may be seeing your insecurity and be turned off by it. Consider if your roles where switched and she asked for praise relentlessly. How could you love someone who does not even like themselves or take any pride in their abilities? If you believe yourself to be insecure go see a therapist, they will help you with any problems you may encounter in your day-to-day life.
You may also want to consider that you have narcissistic and perfectionist tendencies. In your post you give your wife no credit and make no mention of anything she does. Your tendencies for perfection and narcissism have made you able to accomplish things that many other people cannot. When you do not consistently receive praise for these things it deeply hurts your ego. If you consider yourself narcissistic go to see a therapist immediately as narcissism is a complex tricky issue that is hard to deal with by yourself. Thunderhorse you seem motivated and intelligent, I wish you luck in getting more praise from your wife.