Asking for Wife's Praise

[ThunderHorse]

Response #3:
Thunderhorse you have told of multiple different problems that each need to be addressed to discover what the true cause of your distress is. You have described your problem as a communication problem. Communication problems are commonly cited as a cause for unhappiness in marriage. Five of the common communication patterns associated with divorce/unhappiness are contempt, criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and belligerence. Consider how your day-to-day conversations reflect these patterns and do your best to stray away from falling into these patterns regardless of what your wife says.
One thing Dr. Scott Haltzman states is that “To understand the way to your wife’s heart, you must first learn what makes her tick.” Figure out which of your behaviors she specifically does not like and bite your teeth when she criticizes you for them. Pick and choose your battles if you fight every battle you will undoubtedly push her away. Also agree to disagree and avoid the subject altogether. Doing this will make it easier to move on from these unpleasant subjects and move further into the future. You have also claimed that your wife does not do much for your family. It is clear that you feel that you are taking on unequal amounts of responsibility in the relationship. Begin delegating responsibilities to your wife and even go as far as to teach her to do things. If she says that she cannot accept these responsibilities then stop doing them altogether. Eventually she will have to do them or let things descend into chaos. From chaos order will come it may come fast or slow but chaos will build up and eventually overwhelm you into change.
One final thing that you must consider and may be very hard to admit is that this is a personal problem. Your need to be complemented shows that you are insecure. Ask yourself why you need to be complemented and why on such a wide array of things. It is normal to need some praise for your handwork to keep you motivated through your struggles of everyday life. Consider how much praise you truly need, anything more than once a week is excessive. If you consistently demand all of this praise your wife may be seeing your insecurity and be turned off by it. Consider if your roles where switched and she asked for praise relentlessly. How could you love someone who does not even like themselves or take any pride in their abilities? If you believe yourself to be insecure go see a therapist, they will help you with any problems you may encounter in your day-to-day life.
You may also want to consider that you have narcissistic and perfectionist tendencies. In your post you give your wife no credit and make no mention of anything she does. Your tendencies for perfection and narcissism have made you able to accomplish things that many other people cannot. When you do not consistently receive praise for these things it deeply hurts your ego. If you consider yourself narcissistic go to see a therapist immediately as narcissism is a complex tricky issue that is hard to deal with by yourself. Thunderhorse you seem motivated and intelligent, I wish you luck in getting more praise from your wife.

Thank you for your thoughts.

I would enjoy more ego boosts in my marriage. I do not feel I need praise, but my efforts for the family might be improved with more compliments and recogniton of my efforts.

Insecurity and Narcissim are concepts of degrees. Therapy for myself is an option for which I keep open. There is a therapist available to me, If that seems to become part of the issue. I have people I depend on for venting, outside the marriage, so I don't depend, or lean, on my wife for my venting.

Your post was sufficiently detailed that it seemed a response would be a recognition to show that I have considered your ideas.


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[ThunderHorse]

There have been some responses to my suggesting that I would like Ego Boosts. Some positive, some negatrve.

One basis of a marriage improvement regimen is based on the idea that women' brains and men's brains are wired differently, and some marriages could be happier, if Husbands and wives better understdood the differences in their needs. So if you are looking at this thread from a Female perspective, you will likely disagree with my ideas. Dr. Haltzman has written two differnt books, one mof Mne and one for women, in recognition of those differences. Search also Love and Respect. This thread has had quite a few readers. I'm still looking for more recognition from my wife.

Additonal Request for Approabation from my wife:

26. I reconize your efforts and time to post on Marriage Improvement Boards is helping you to develop the skills and insights to become a better husband, and I thank you for spending the time to become a better husband, and a better parent.




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[BA337]

So I can see that you feel that you aren’t getting as much recognition from your wife as you’d like. You feel that she doesn’t appreciate everything you do each day is being noticed. It’s very understandable why someone would want a little praise after all the hard work they have done. What does she do every day for you? Does she work or stay at home? Do you also give her praise when she does something for you?
In my psychology class, Dr. Misiurski discusses the Law of Effect theory. This theory states, “Rewarded behaviors are more likely to be repeated whereas unrewarded behaviors are less likely to be repeated.” It says that voluntary behaviors can be modified by their consequences. It’s a surprise that you are still doing everything for her the same way when you started. Your wife may not be praising you simply because she isn’t used to it. Because she never acknowledged your behavior at first, she figured that she didn’t need to.
In Dr. Scott’s book; The Secrets of Happily Married Women he writes “Men want to be acknowledged for their achievements. They like people to connect with them on the basis of what they’ve done to make their home a better place. This is a need that we still see in men in their marriages today-which in this age of gender equality is often misunderstood.” This relates exactly to how you’re feeling. Maybe if you praise your wife more, she will return the favor.
It seems that both of you have a communication problem. You need to talk to your wife and communicate your needs and expectations with your married life. If you love her and want things to work out, you should tell her that you feel like you're not being appreciated and that it would help if she could be more supportive so that the both of you could start working on things together and supporting each other. You should find time one night; after everything is done around the house and both of you are relaxed to talk about this. You need to confront her and tell her what is on your mind or else nothing will change. She needs to know how you truly feel this way it won’t lead into deeper problems in the future. Everyone wants to feel appreciated for the hard work they do for the person you love, so take a step forward and confront her.

[ThunderHorse]

Dear BA 337,

I wanted to let you know that I have re-read your post today, and find many valuable, thoughtful observations and suggestions.

Sitting down at a quiet time with my wife is a good suggestion for many issues, for many types of wives.

I beleive that my wife is Right Brain, Creative, toward being short attention span, and hyper focus.

So what seems to work better for me, is to have short phrase prepared, to mention in a pleasant manner, when an issue comes up.


Maybe after I have done my 15 daily minutes of encouraging my wife to vent,


"Can you think of any encouraging words for me at this time? Maybe later?"




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