Dysthymia and what role does it play?

[Devoted]

About 2 weeks ago I found out that my wife had been seeing a counselor over the summer because she was feeling bad about our marriage. When we then started marriage counseling, in the discussion about insurance, she stated that her counselor had diagnosed her as having Dysthymia. During our first, and so far only session, nothing of this diagnosis was mentioned, and because she asked me to "give her space", I have been reluctant to ask her about it. During our only session I was mortified to find out that what had brought everything to a head was that she had had a brief encounter with a man who brought back the forgotten feeling of first love. She said nothing had happened, and assures me that they have no contact, but not ever having that feeling of "first love"again staying with me is what is tearing her apart. She also seems to be pulling back from the family in general. We have 16 year old twin boys at home, and when she talks of being apart for a "getting her head together" amount of time, it is always her leavening the house to live somewhere else instead of me. Again leaving the family. She has been as cold as a person can be since this came to light.
Can you give me some advice as to how much of this problem, if any,may be due to this condition of minor depression, and if my best tactic is to give her the space she asking for, and to just back off? I want to try to fix this problem, but I am told not to try by her and the marriage counselor.
I am 52, and she is 51. Married for 20 years

[ThunderHorse]

Twin teenagers could be a challenge for your wife..

I would suggest to focus on discussing parenting strategies, or watching Parenting videos, attending a parenting class.

What ciriticism and praise do you provide to her?

What compliments do you give her?

[ThunderHorse]

Dysthymia

http://www.bipolarcentral.com/otherilln ... sorder.asp


What medications is she taking? What drinking, caffiene and sleep habits does your wife have?

You talk about her getting away from the family, as if you might not have enough time alone with your wife. Can the 16 Year old twin boys spend a night someplace else, so you can have some private time with your wife?

Exercize and Yoga can help release endorphins, also massage, which are the body's natural FEEL GOOD chemicals. Also sexual relations.

Buy a couples exercise tape or book, to develop strategies of exercize senusally together.



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[Devoted]

She has been taking 30 mgs Prozac for a number of years and she does have a Strong cup off coffee in the morning. I don't know if she drinks any at work. She is a very early riser in the morning saying that she likes the quiet, "get ready time" before the house gets up. 2 hours before leaving. Up at 5:15. Because of this her bed time is about 8:15 to 8:30.
The comment on "getting away from the family" was intended to point out that instead of her asking me to leave to live elsewhere, so she can have space, she talks always of her living elsewhere away from not only me, but the kids, dog, cat etc. I don't get it.
She does do the Curves exercise faithfully, and has lost weight recently.
The thing I am worried about is that I don't think the Dysthemia has been addressed completely because of some really negative things she has told me about concerning people and family members. She has said things like, my father has never like her, and that my parents wouldn't help my sister when she was having trouble, and guess what... she has no idea if they helped her or not and my father has always adored her. She just concluded that they didn't help out. This kind of negative thinking really worries me in that she may be making a decision based on an altered sense of reality. I wonder if she has the similar negative thoughts about me.
I guess I am asking, are there noticeable signs that someone is still suffering from Dysthemia, but is unable, or unwilling to see it?

[ThunderHorse]

I am not representing myself as an expert in Dysthymia.

However, Prozac can have negative effects, particularly if a person stops taking Prozac. The after-effects can reverberate for weeks or months.

Similarly, if a person is prone to skip doeses, this can cause a problem.

Bipolar people and Schizophrenics are noted for believing they no longer need medication, and stop taking the meds, without telling their family and support people.

From what you say, your wife is not in perfect touch with the realities of what she knows, as compared wtih what she suspsects.

It seems that you might do well to contact someone who knows about the traditional Psychiatric tratment of Dysthemia. There are only a few people who might specialize in alternative treatments.

If you are waiting for Psychiatrists to fix your wife's problems, I would suggest a more active approach, of being involved yourself, as a part of the treatment. You have not really mentioned how you try to help your wife with her problem.



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[Devoted]

I have read the Doc's book, (8 secrets to being a happy hubby), which I found very enlightening, and I am putting into practice what is recommended. Things have improved slightly, but we have a long way to go. I guess what I am trying to get down to is the chicken and the egg question. Which came first? Was the Dysthemia caused by some physiological change in my wife, or was being married with children and my not so good behaviors as a husband cause the depression. It seems that this is a relevant question. If the cause is physiological / anatomical, then I wonder if I am beating a dead horse trying to improve our home life without the depression being completely addressed. On the other hand; if the Dysthemia is due to an unhappy home life, then improvement to that life would seem a cure.
Again I ask, are there any tell tale signs that someone may still have some depressive symptoms, or should the 30 mg of Prozac have it under control?

[Scott Haltzman]

Hi Devoted,

Psychiatrists can't say whether Dysthymia is an underlying disorder of brain chemistry, or whether it's a result of how people are raised, or whether it's a reaction to stress. But it does color how you see the world, and, as you have probably figured out from your wife's situation, sometimes medications can lessen the impact of its effects.

From the point of view of someone who is living with a dysthymic wife, though, you have other challenges. Most guys tend to have a "fix it" mentality, and when she pours out her hurt, you may want to either figure out how to get it better, or find someone who can. Many times, all your wife may be looking for in that situation is a listening, supportive and validating ear. That can be hard to do, especially if you're prone to seeing (or if she's prone to seeing) her condition as being an excuse for why nothing should be expected of her. A diagnosis can explain and inform, but it's not a great thing when it becomes her chief identity.

Thanks for taking the time to read my book. You'll find that the listening chapter can be helpful at times like this, as well as the "Aim to Please" chapter. At such times as this, just showing you're there and you care (in ways that she can understand and see) may be all you can do.

Scott



Please remember, that the information in this posting if for information only and should not be construed as advice

[Devoted]

Thank you Doctor for your reply,
The many light bulbs that went off in my head as I read your book really validated why my wife has become disenchanted with me and her life. I thought that all was reasonably well and that what we have together was a pretty common married life. More like room mates than husband/wife/lovers. But in your writings, causing me to look at things from her point of view, really made me see that the “messages” I was sending by my actions and inactions were the opposite of what would make her feel cherished and adored. I now look at the things I do to help around the house are not done by me because I think I have to do them, but because I do them, and do them to the best of my ability, (like I would do at work), it is a non verbal confirmation of how I respect her and cherish her. I am changing my work schedule to be more in line with hers and I am catching up on a lot of things around the house that have been sitting on the back burner.
She is still giving me the cold shoulder which is making it difficult to try to “get to know her” again, but it seems to be getting a bit better.
One thing that I find a bit confusing; Even though she barely speaks to me when we see each other during the day, she has started to move over in bed towards me at night and slightly makes contact with me with just a knee or foot or something. It has been every night for about three weeks, and it is something that has not happened in years. I don’t even know if she is aware that she is doing it, but I have my fingers crossed that is a signal of some sort that there are still strong feelings for me and that we have a chance for reconciliation.
As far as the Dysthemia; I guess all I can do is love her, show her I care with my actions, and hope, in the end, that she can come to piece with her feelings and be happy once again.
And you’re right. Wanting to “fix” everything when you can’t… is agonizing.

[ThunderHorse]

How are your foot massage techniqes?

I think you arfe shortchanging yourself if you are relying on your wife's exercise program in the morning to release all the endorphins needed to feel good al the way throught he day and night.

How are you coaching your Twin sons, 16 years old, to be sensiive and supportive?

My wife had a no-fixer today. My wife was complaining about something for which there was not real way to fix it. I said, "I sorry that you are unappy about XYZ." I said that maybe 15 times, as she talked.

Eventualy, she replied, "Thanks for understanding my unhappiness."

I suggest that it is not really relevant whether the family set her off, or if your wife always had the detectable pre-disposition to depression. So when she is depressed, try to be understanding, with a touch of encouragement, as you can sneak in.

What types of foods are good for depression? There is a book on TV of alternative remedies. Search Depression Herbs


St John's wort comes up. Have you talked to your health food store. ADHD News has a section on St John's Wort. I recall that some people don't like it, for reasons I have forgotten. But some like it.


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[moc]

I feel for you as I have similar "messages" being sent by my wife. She did not experience the Dysthmyia but she has been under similar medication for anxiety disorder. She quit cold turkey from Paxil and was then given Prozac (3 weeks ago) but she has yet to take any. Careful not to take the "messages" as I did that all is 100%. They are what they are, steps. Each day is a blessing that you receive those steps. She probably is aware she is doing it and testing the waters. I rushed it and fell backwards several steps. Now, there is more of the touch and I feel I can also give just a bit more. A rub, a pat, or even just holding the knee of foot to send warmth. As with my experience, the talking came soon thereafter, along with more desire for comfort for her by me. It really is tough, and a long journey, but patience for men is one of the hardest things to have. Like Dr. Haltzman says, we are fixers, somethings broke, let me know we will fix it and all is said an done. Consistency and patience are difficult but can achieve greatness.

[Scott Haltzman]

She is still giving me the cold shoulder which is making it difficult to try to “get to know her” again, but it seems to be getting a bit better.

Hi Devoted--You've been working hard on this. How are things progressing?

[Devoted]

Well Doc, I have become to realize that some of my wife and my difficulties could be a two for. I have come to believe that she, of 52 years, may be in the process of menopause, or pre menopause along with the dysthymia. I started to realize that along with her unhappiness with me, she was annoyed by all sorts of other things which in the past she was able to ignore. Like the people she works with, her job in general, our kids, being around any body, as well as taking the winter personally. She now likes to be alone in our bedroom and listens to music with scented candles going all the time. She now has super sensitive sense of smell, (kind of like when she was pregnant), so scented candles are a must. Plus for the first time I can remember she has become really forgetful. For instance, 2 times in one week leaving the fore mentioned candles burning after leaving the house. Lots of missed place things as well as forgetting events and such.
I came across a web page with a discussion forum like this one dealing with menopause issue called Power Surge, (a cute alternate word for Hot Flash) and in the replies to my postings under the same name, I have other, mostly women thinking I am on the right track. I have also learned that the effect of what she is going through is what I touched on above. That our relationship had problems before that she was able to deal with or ignore; but now is compelled to face and deal with. I can accept that, and have tried to alter my behaviors. By the way the gift giving this year was much a success mostly because I PAID ATTENTION! To her, and recognized her wants and desires. Directly related to what I read in your book. I went with her to the mall, which in the past I would avoid like the plague, and observed things she looked at and talked about, and guess what? I knew what to get her for Christmas.
A couple of nights ago I think she may have had her first “hot flash”. She woke me up in the middle of the night telling me that she felt sick to her stomach, really warm and had thrown off all the covers which is completely different than usual. The next day she was fine so maybe she will come to the conclusion that it is really happening. The responders on the other site have suggested that if it is the case that she is being affected by menopause, that I should back off, take my cues from her, and give her the space she needs without taking it personally.
Maybe the next book could be The Secrets of Getting through Menopause in 1 Piece. Thanks Devoted

[Kathy]

My marriage went fairly well for 10 years even though there were many things happening most would have divorced or separated over. The next 10 were rocky, kids growing up and challenges, woman with maddening crushes on my husband, etc. The last 7 not so great. But we have been together so long we no nothing more. We both want a deeper closeness. I'm having the same problems at age 47, same symptoms as you describe. I htink health issues makes it worse. It started 1st during menopause at age 40, came back again age 44, and now again. Each time I'm taken off hormones. I had a blood clot age 47, and then rediagnosed with Epilepsy age 47. I believe the medications I'm taking and also now obvious depression makes it worse. He tried, then I tried unfaithful finding still no fulfillment at different times in this marriage. But I still think my husband is taking part in 50% in all of this for the things he is not willing to admit nor change. SO now my husband does his hobbies and getting into great health and brags of a future mid life crises. But he's spending about 40 hours a week on his hobby. My cognitive skills are down, alot - so I'm laying low while I try to get the right med.s and then I want to exercise to be helathy again for starts. So I'm looking for reponses where someone overcame this kindof stuff and how. Thank You God Bless.

[Devoted]

If you haven't already, I will suggest that you check out the forums page of the website Power Surge. It is a vast network of people and topics, and if you want feed back, you will get feed back. I have never used a page like it before, but it is helping me through my journey. Devoted