Helpless and tired married guy.

[altheticguy]

hi everyone,
I'm new to this site and really need to write my feelings about my marriage and hopefully get some supportive feedback. So, thank you for allowing me to do this here! As quickly as possible, I've been married for close to 20 years with 3 adorable children. After 6 months into the marriage my wife basically changed, she started arguments over small things, then she hardly allowed me to touch her. Things became worse and I thought I was in a nighmare. But, I thought that since my parents divorced I didn't want to do that to my children. Moving along here, my oldest is now 18 and things are the same. Whatever mood she happens to be in that dictates and sets the tone for the rest of the family's day(s). She seems to enjoy or at least want to argue for the simplest reasons eg: the drawers not completely shut, screamed at me for doing the dishes by hand and not using the dishwasher ETC ETC YIKES! I desire so much to be with a woman who is even somewhat normal and loving! I am a very active dad (sports coaches) and find the friend of the courts visitation schedule is horrible. When I brought up splitting she threatened to fight any extended visitation beyong these courts rules. I feel that I am not able to last any longer. So, I'm worried about my youngest son who is only 11, if I left before he turns 18? PS I tring to get my children into counselling. If anyone has any supportive advice I would very much appreciate it! Again, thank you for allowing me to write and vent.

[Scott Haltzman]

It's hard sometimes when you feel that you're the only one working on the relationship. But I wonder if I asked your wife, if she'd say the same thing, they SHE'S the one who works on the relationship and you just neglect her!

I empathize with you; your situation is the reason that I wrote my book, "The Secrets of Happily Married Men."
Because, like sports, if you can figure out what the rules are, then you don't have to feel frustrated. To date, men have been looking to woman for the rulebook, but other men are the ones who know how to make marriage something they love.

Have you read it?

Scott

[barwitch]

Helpless and Tired Married Guy,
I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. Six months into the marriage is a very short time for a mate to change. According to my Psychology Professor a person usually will take two years for their true colors to show in a relationship. How far into your relationship did you get married? Do you feel as if she is the only one that has changed? How far into your marriage did the two of you have your first child? Is there a possibility that these changes might be an affect of Post Partum Depression? The birth of a first child can bring major transition and potential stress, especially for mothers. The key to reducing stress during this transition is for the two of you to have realistic expectations.

When you say that she starts arguments over small things, are you sure that you are not criticizing her and she is just not being defensive? Do you ever wonder if the reason she does not want to be touched by you may be because of any extra weight from her pregnancies? I was married and my ex-husband made numerous comments to me about my post pregnancy weight. That made me feel very unattractive to him and to myself. I felt the only time he would initiate physical contact of any kind was when he was trying to initiate sexual contact.

Have you tried to put yourself in her shoes? Is she tired and irritable because she feels that she does the majority of the household chores? Talk with her. Twenty years of marriage is not something you want to walk away from. Research shows that most marriages that do end in divorce usually happen within the first ten years. I think that you have made it over that milestone and should at least talk with her about the way you feel and possibly marriage counseling. You obviously love your children very much and are able to identify what you feel are the problems in your marriage. Hopefully talking with someone